A Beautiful Lie
Maybe life is not as perfect as I said before.
Maybe I lie to myself, and to everyone cause I desperately want a cure to this pain.
I want to be happy so bad that I look in all the wrong places. And the wrong people.
I am so tired of crying myself to sleep every night.
And with so many doors open to me right now, I`m still standing there looking back.
I think of your mother, and why we failed.
I think of you, and the things I said before I saw you.
I think of suicide. (but faith keeps me strong)
I think of a Love that im not sure exist.
I have fixed my body, my personality, everything on the outside.
But still my soul is broken.
When I wrote that last entry, I was so happy. everything was going like a dream.
For once I could look myself in the mirror and smile. I felt perfect.
But I kept telling myself that nothing good last, and as soon as I lower my gaurd
the agonizing pain of despair and sadness will return to its rightful place.........In Me.
And sure enough it did.
I feel embarrassed and used, naked and dumb. I feel like the world is laughing at me.
I actually feel better though writing this to you, even though you will not read it for many years still.
I hope you will love me, and forgive me, and want to be in my life.
God knows I need you in mine.
Your my little girl Alhana, and I love you so much.
You are my strength now, and the only reason I will never give up or take my life.
Once again I want to tell you I LOVE YOU.
I have a $100 airline ticket gift card saved to see you.
So there is something good to write you I guess =)
Maybe I lie to myself, and to everyone cause I desperately want a cure to this pain.
I want to be happy so bad that I look in all the wrong places. And the wrong people.
I am so tired of crying myself to sleep every night.
And with so many doors open to me right now, I`m still standing there looking back.
I think of your mother, and why we failed.
I think of you, and the things I said before I saw you.
I think of suicide. (but faith keeps me strong)
I think of a Love that im not sure exist.
I have fixed my body, my personality, everything on the outside.
But still my soul is broken.
When I wrote that last entry, I was so happy. everything was going like a dream.
For once I could look myself in the mirror and smile. I felt perfect.
But I kept telling myself that nothing good last, and as soon as I lower my gaurd
the agonizing pain of despair and sadness will return to its rightful place.........In Me.
And sure enough it did.
I feel embarrassed and used, naked and dumb. I feel like the world is laughing at me.
I actually feel better though writing this to you, even though you will not read it for many years still.
I hope you will love me, and forgive me, and want to be in my life.
God knows I need you in mine.
Your my little girl Alhana, and I love you so much.
You are my strength now, and the only reason I will never give up or take my life.
Once again I want to tell you I LOVE YOU.
I have a $100 airline ticket gift card saved to see you.
So there is something good to write you I guess =)