Gibberish

May 10, 2009 00:57



There is time here. Time to think, as we hurry to move. We are constantly moving, and yet… Constantly standing still. During these times I wonder if you yourself are wondering. Moving about in your world, what do you think, feel, live, and remain to be. This lifestyle has changed my perception in so many ways. Trailing the last years we have spent in limbo. Moving near in hearts and then polar opposed. How does one move and feel with a knowing of the opposite? You would know, you know them well. Firstly thinking of you as an extremist- seeing how you are just a mass of feeling. In this world I am a part of called Basic Combat Training. There is little sense, and in that state there is nothing left but to feel. There have been these moments when I’ve felt you near, as if calling me to our meeting place. That feeling leaving always shortly after, leaving me to wonder if you were calling out to me. As you moved, as I moved farther away from center. I’m missing you for these reasons. Reasons known and still for the most part unknown. You are to me like ore to a magnet. Why is it, that you pull me so easily? To think, to wonder, the hows and whys of what you mean and where you dwell.

Stillness, has become a mind setting. Moving is only by command making the transition to thought instant. “The girl with the green eyes”, I’ve said throughout the years to you. Having no doubt that you are her. Who else moves and guides the way one in love should move and guide me. It is not that I have wanted to make you her, I believe that you just are her. Misunderstanding has brought us breaks, and reunions. Music has been shaded in as lines of shared material as well. The Arts as a whole really. Like One republic, Keane, DJ Leozinho, and so many more. The DVD list that is vibrantly populated with movies from all corners of our minds. Encompassing childhood through now.  Everyone could know what I know. As most close to me know. The witch was right about the girl, as I met you as one. You’ve turned into a woman, from a “Baby woman”. I’ve watched as you’ve grown and move so much. 1st love, 2nd love... I wanted to be 3rd and final. I was perhaps ahead of myself. I’ve been remembering what you said about studying abroad, going to New York would make you so close to me. Here I lay in bed and share stories of you with my brothers. As they tell me stories of their loves. Greatness is the only word that comes to mind, as I share to all sitting around me. On my back looking at the sky, thinking and moving but still. Moments in time flow by the millions like fish in a stream. All my moments with you land marked. Like the first time I saw you, sitting there in your black sweater. You wouldn’t smile for me for at least a year. Making me want to see it more. I thought of you as an angel. The secrets we’ve told, and the countless hours we’ve shared. You were priority, as I sat online just to wait for you... Even when we were at odds.

Feb 2nd 2009

The sky today was in halt to make way for the passage of clouds. As slow day to say the least. Filled with more moving to stand and wait, and actual waiting. I see so many moves lain about me, like the 3rd eyes chess game. Moving, defensively, offensively, while others instances remain in step. When I leave here will I find you disconnected? More removed from those bright lights I met you in? Should I digress? I will, and retreat into you. Can it be that things will never go back to the same as they were? Yet become so much better, enhanced maybe. Or unhindered by space and enchanted by time. As I move on here and then on from here, one can only wonder the whats and wheres you go. Not in the physical, but within the limitless bounds of your mind. Are you here or there? It’s been sometimes since we’ve spoken, the ties that bound us seemed severed somewhere along the way. How do you miss your reflection? As I’ve looked for days and it’s simply not there. Or perhaps distorted to a point of unrecognizability. From the start of this, not by obligation but curiosity. At first, you were a mystery, in a sense you still remain one. Those green circles hiding countless secrets and in the same, revealing all. Your value, truth, kindness, the Arts, and life. From the start of this we have attracted one another’s energy. How can one see so much of one’s self in another, how can one miss another never had? You’ve been the collective of a dream, born every night since birth.

Told over to me by a 3rd party and solidified by the jade circles. Under this blue sky, as the wind blows here, silently making its presence known through lofty air. I disengage from this body. It’s never enough to want, want must be accompanied by need, and the heart, and the heart can only make the body move. Never the opposite, as slaves of this we will have none. Until the remainder is complete.

Feb 4th

The cold is all around me, wrapping me about as I stand her in the middle. 72 soldiers strong, weapons in hand, snivel gear on my back and legs. A memory comes to me, of you in a picture on the beach, standing at a distance. A puzzle then, how you remain one still. Every secret like a pore. Numbering the millions, you are... mutifaceted. Every angle a beautiful color of sorts. You are magnetic. My eyes are tired, and my heart is full. There will be more. With love

Feb 5th

Looking around at the multitude of illness. Me here practically to escape the cold, and because they own illness. Besides the cold, and because my thoughts. Besides the cold this place is only without a pace that moves quickly.

Tired, defeated they look as I sit here ready to push. These memories still remain in this cold weather. That takes me back to the holidays we’ve spent. Logic parts my eyes. Am I caught in something fanciful, thinking of someone that has moved apart, and onward? Adding more meaning to it than should be given. One can wonder, as I always am. Have I neglected the truth of the matter? The reality that you may be simply out of my reach. Too far for my physical self to reach. Having her harmony only in dreams. And in dreams awaking only to the feel of shade separation, physically. I am vested in you, as you come close and then move too far from me. Work, school, outings, the hot, the cold, and the balanced imbalance. We are searching for something in this sphere only to find it in reach of others. Tho we bond it is quickly dissolved and reduced to its individual compounds. I’ve been with you, just never with you. I understand now, I do.

What I pegged as madness in the beginning is the equal to and child wanting love. To be crying out with the means to communicate those feelings. The him, them, and all that have seen you wrong. This is known or they would remain. As I have remained, maybe because my backwards process. Learning the soul before hand, instead of just the body. We are in limbo now, are we not?

One hand feeling as a slap has been issued and then the other returning suit always. I have betrayed you. As you chose for not betraying him and forsaking me. What is more powerful in me might I ask? The answer is the need to know through all this what can be had by the last years. What can be salvaged and what can’t be discarded. One must find out, as this isn’t one of those things to be left to chance. As the elderly know it is the “what if” that weakens us. Making me feel this need for action. I’ve felt this before and have never kept myself far removed from it.

To be in the places you are, the places you go. Wondering about and learning in the process more to the depths of you. Beyond the questions and answers, glowing box, and phone calls. Only shortly concerned with the task of moving one heart from the others mind. And on and away, I think the mind knows the connection made. Chemically locked on key levels. We are qued on more than a basic level all the to an intellectual level.

The Introduction

You’ve been what I’ve know you to be for some time. The various stages you’ve assumed. Removing the waste and what you like until you’re in need of changed. In you there has been transformation. Myself wanting more but not being able to make it so. This mind still so impaired by the years of repression and complacency. Racked with peer pressure scars self inflicted and chained to self doubt. Slowing those processes and moving into something new. The era of change was introduced. The Arts containing fashion, music and literature. I was always paying attention, as you opened all for me. The entire world, for me. suddenly my little world began to expand, rapidly. Many universes all so different, but still so muddy.

Sneakers, skinnies, fitted. Urban, euro, some mixture of that fresh. Poets, singers, literature, design. The portraits of love that have moved from you to me. Then from me to you, as I give back to you what you’ve given me.

“These streets are filled with ghost.”

I remember you saying. As it was one of the very first things you uttered. Your face was much darker then. Me knowing that it would be so very long until it would lighten up, and you would let me see your smile. (Not the lips over tooth smile you would haplessly give) You awarded me with it almost a year later, so much time passed. So much data passed and sleep misplaced. Never has it been a lost cause to sit there, inching nirvana with you. From this side of the pond, offering you my culture and me yours. Such a different place you’re from. It almost seems like a different time. Wondering if you were this far from wrong for me, why were you not placed closer to me, why the opposing side of the world? There is nothing more to wonder though. This process enabling us to do something we may not have been able to do ourselves. This divide keeping something at level. With time corroding the initial foundation. So full of “we are”, we are. There have been days that I could feel you, as if you were near. Always taken away when I open my eyes.

The Digital Pixilated Box

A subject treaded on lightly. So many adjustments to be made to soften its terminology. The thing that links us in all we’ve done. When I need to feel in line with you, and all I might be with you. There is always that box. There was patience there, before the awe of distance made it harder on the heart to lay wise in separate locations.  To spend time with those that are substitutes for the true one to be with. The who doing nothing to fill the void, being that the who does nothing more than to observe. Being that the who is the only one that can fill that void. I am guilty of that as well. Knowing the greatness of your love but knowing it is so far that one will endure for a little while. This for the consciousness of things gone through. That is to say, what more can someone do, to need and want. To want and not have. It is the state of this, the state of this hurt and state of separation. We are the metaphorical ships in the night, or rather the Saudade that it’s evolved into. But if, and if there is any control in this we are to be tied to that box. Forgive me for lying, I have many regrets. What is there to merit here? That past is done, but we still have moments to share and things to complete.

This life offers us many chances for happiness and you still remain the same. Weathering your sad state to grasp some happy.

The Balance

There is balance within you, when we thought there to be none. You are so beautifully complex, like a spiders web weave, salmon’s flight upstream, or the fight against time of the common. Knowing some the things you contain, and your actions like hurricanes. You’re not to blame. You’ve shown more faces, sides, dimensions than anyone. The secrets between us about your past that held no bearing for me. Until you began to relate it thought your feelings. Betrayal, pain, lies, disloyalty, and tears. I’ve lain in bed some nights thinking back on things you’ve said. Wishing my phone would ring. What connections they made and places they lead in my mind, those thoughts. It wasn’t until I stopped thing I knew, knew this system you operate on is not that of checks and balances but that of love and unconfinement. Bring apologies in the light of you being that which you said you were. Heart pure, lungs smoky, and eyes gorgeous. The sweet smell of curry and various spices must seep forth from your skin. So selfish am I, always wanting you for myself and not wanting to share. You being this alien being, feeling, and living. How does one say the needs of the heart when the other just knows. Feelings of pleasure and the lament of sorrow you are my idea of divinity, great and many.

The Dream

So many dreams there are, mostly they fancy you. And the vision of you my heart holds. Make good use of your ability to evade my dreams, the catalyst to my needs. Showing me all that has not been fully revealed to me. To have something, something seemingly so real just to lose it before awaking. In this dream you are just as you appear to me, real. There we assume the life I wish we lead here. Days spent together, doing the things we assume we’d do. What more is there?

What a better way to spend a dream than that.

In the way things move, this part is -

What assumes the dream?

Separation

Can there be colder days than that? When the heat of battle is spent outside the bedroom, me in my Libra and you in your Aries. Our natures clashing on these fronts, as one seeks to dominate the other. We are hard pressed and slow to move toward compromise. I know myself as you know yourself. Clashing and all the while keeping all this emotion within. There have been times we have gone on, and gone on without talking. Myself too stubborn to compromise or submit fully, always willing to but never ready.

Why is it when we are faced with need, want seems to never stay its hand, in the way things may move we have been at odds because it was I that lost faith or did not stay my hand. Was it on purpose, or by chance? I too have been uncertain by something so far. As I try to reason with the idea to move heart from its shouldered position, further within. Seeking something seemingly functionless but with potential to displace the mind and mislead the heart. Fooling ourselves into think that the moves we made were a jest. Missing something it seems, losing more is apparent.

Betrayers we’ve become, losing more than we were prepared to. I was the only one to keep score. Too far stuck in my old way, there is always more to it. What do I appear to be? Maybe something more, may I know what I look like? From your prospective, am I as rigid as I appear, heartless even?

There are so many parts to this, my persona. What more is there to me you may ask. Many things lie behind these eyes, as I feel more than I should at times, do more for love then I should at times, give more than I should at times. For these, some not all... I am so sorry. There are elements in this that had only the intent to hurt. Showing one phase of it and giving another. Such a cheap exchange, having done nothing for the collective. We are. Betrayer- betrayed.

Having played the role of both I can only ask “what more”? There is none, only things left are apologies. Which carry on wings, I pray not too late.

Saudade

This is what exists at the heart. Many thoughts littering tension about. You, and the lost time through action or distance. As the missing feeling of things passed makes well its presence know. I am longing now for the things that I have come to miss. I held close to me the time we spent talking. Filling the days and late with our vibrant conversation.

These passages must be written in past tense for the things left behind. Turning the dial, from on to off at least that is how it is felt. Though I feel you’re out there somewhere in the world, distance is what keeps us apart. “When I dance she dances”. In the summer, your prom, green dress, was pairing your eyes so well. Those days you visited the beach, and the days you told me you missed me. Days numbering many we lived our lives on opposite sides. Every night coming home to one another. The coastline isn’t that vast, that two hearts can’t claim its distance... I will gain ground.

Previous post
Up