Stay there. I'll be back with the shovel.
I've been sitting here thinking about some things.. i mean what else is there to do right now. I'm at my cousins house. Sitting around while they are at school. I'm no that bored.. they say boredom is lack of imagination. i agree with that. because you always have something to think about. No matter what. Your mind is never blank. So i've been thinking... i guess. About what my life has become thus far. What i want out of life and what i'm searching for at the moment. I guess i want what everyone wants... Love? money? friends? haha. It's wierd. I have so many friends, but I feel like there is no one i can actually talk to. If that makes much sense. Are things really what they seem? Do people expect too much? do i? I don't know. Maybe I do. I was texting last night.. cause i really dont like talking on the phone.. and I really couldn't get out what i wanted to say to him. I'm so scared to be judged. I wish i wasn't. I don't want to be hurt... or let down or made fun of or anything. I dont really look at things like.. ok there are two ways to go.. either go down that road where i say what i feel and what I think and hope for the best? or just keep my feeling internal like i always do.. I think i may have took that first road. I always tell myself that i don't fall into things too quick. I try to push it off. or as far as i can. I want to spare my feelings you know? But i'm wrong, i lie to myself. I don't want to get into something.. but I lie again. I'm pretty certain that I do. I'm just like anyone else. i want that kiss that lasts a lifetime. I want that embrace that never ends. I had that once... but good things never seem to last with me. maybe that's not true. Do i set myself up for another let down? bah... damn questions i keep asking myself. I don't know the answers. I hate watching romance movies.. love stories. I get jealous of what they have. I want to be 10,000 miles away and know that one person is thinking, "i really miss hayley."
Why do i even like this guy so much? i mean, we've hung out like.. what?... 5 times? ha, jeeze. But i guess that's why. There is a mystery to him.. something i can't catch. I like that. I like that challenge.
hmmm... i think straight up answers are better. Fuck beating around the bush. i do it sometimes. But for the most part. I'll tell you.... or.. maybe i'll just tell you what you want to hear. naw... ;)
well.. i never figured out the explanation to the riddle. .. or did i? you never told me. jeckass. ;]
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note:
why do you always write to me and then never come find me?
i hate you for that.
not really. I could never hate you.
"I put the can in the cup"
haha.. good times. =]
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make me smile again. I dare you. Give me those goosebumps.. i get them at night when the lights are out... and i can feel your breath on the back of my neck... you know... it's kind of hard to contain myself. haha. jk jk... really though.
I can't beleive i'm like this right now. haha. I'm Hayley! i mean come on! ok ok i don't know what that is suppose to mean . haha
People or humans.. are really easy to mainpulate.. like.. You see it everyday. Commercials, billboards, ads, magazines, EVERYTHING... kinda also why i didn't want to be a Graphic designer. lol. i was in a strange state of mind in SF.
I saw my cousin the other day with his new girl... fucking so cute it made me upset. I was sitting on the couch and saw him just lean over and kiss her on the shoulder. and she smiled, and he smiled. They both smiled at each other.. like they both shared this secret that no one will ever know. No one will ever find out. And they sat and gazed into each others eyes as if that was the only way to communicate. I'm sure if they were both blind and def, they'd still know what each other was feeling. That connection... that you can't figure out until you yourself are in that situation.
I remember that.
To me, a relationship is about trust and understanding. It's about not knowing what to say at the wrong time, it's about knowing what to say at the right time. It's about holding hands and walking through a crowded street. And arms wrapped around each other when there is no one for miles. It's about telling him/her you care without saying a word. Its about taking care of him/her when they are sick. It's about fighting about stupid things and making up half an hour later. It's about longing for the other when they aren't around. It's about calling her honey, or sweetie or darling or babe.. and she smiles. It's about laughing at the dullest things, and about calling each other out when they are wrong. It's about laying around on the living room floor looking up at the ceiling and talking about anything and everything. It's shy, it's happy, it's depressing, it's cute, it's romantic, it's loyal, it's trusting, it's patient... and kind. It's staying up late talking, and getting those midnight snacks. Making love... again and again... and again. perhaps. it's crying on his/her shoulder. It's exciting, it's a breath of fresh air in a foggy city. It's hectic, and crazy. it's about shaving your head because she lost her hair from cancer treatments. It's about support. it's writing each other sappy poems, and about giving advice when they ask. It's about falling alseep on his stomach, while he plays with her hair. It's about sitting on a bench, heads resting against each others. it's about being corny and sappy.It's telling her you'll be by her side no matter what. And sticking to it. it's that sudden heart flutter when you see him/her. It's about that shaky feeling you get in your hands and legs. It's the little things. It's about being spontanious and And it's also calm and quiet. it's about being able to sit in the quiet and not say a word.. and know that it's not awkward or wierd. And sometimes it's about being wierd. It's about creativity, and imagintaion. it's about the dorky things. and that nerdyness. It's about giving each other space when they need it... it's about those small kisses you plant on the shoulder or cheek. And it's even more about the smile. You can tell alot about a person by their smile. and you can tell even more about that person when you look into their eyes. eyes are the gateway to the soul. it's not giving up. It's about that chance you take. Because you just have to.
i admit. It's been lonely lately. Not just because i want what i described.
I've been feeling a little abused... not in a physical manner.. but verbal.
Who tells someone after not seeing them for at least a year that when they saw you at the show, their heart dropped. Or who tells someone that they wanted you since they first layed their eyes on you... but never said anything while you were still living in SF. fuck that. Who calls someone babe and who tells you that they love you... and you've never met them before.
Love is a powerful thing.. it's so powerful the word is even dangerous grounds. Which is why i never say it.. unless i REALLy fuckin mean it. I don't walk that path. I'm not the heat of the moment "love you" person. No. Tell me "i love you" when i know you don't... I won't talk to you anymore. i can't have that. It's misleading. It's hurtful. Its false. false false false. There is true and false in love. Don't ever make it false. just don't. Don't say it because you feel you have to. It shouldn't be a chore.
I won't walk on the clouds until I can walk on the ground first.
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i remember someone once telling me that he was "in like" with me... ? that doesn't really make sense now does it? or does it?
another misleading thing. It's the same thing as telling someone you love them, but are just too afraid to say the whole "love" part.
i don't know. I think that whole saying is annoying.
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I doubt anyone is even reading this. But it's mainly for me. I guess. I just need to get things out. I type or write what i want to say better than i am with saying them. and now i need a cigarette. I'm one of those girls who needs reassurance. don't hesitate to tell me anything. seriously.
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It's about not staying for the wrong reasons.
someone told me they did't want to put all this time and effort in for me to just leave...
but i also don't want to put time and effort in... to just get hurt.
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I do have some things to think about.
Kiss me again.
what should i do for my b-day? hmmm does anyone really care?
I just thought of another thing... it's actually cute. ha
So I liked this guy a Lot and we talked and i've actually known him for a LONG time... let's say around 5 or so years. So anyways, We both liked each other and it was cute for a while. haha. i was giddy as hell over this guy, and i'm sure he was fond of me as well. So i found out he was sick.. not sure with what, but he was sick. I wanted him to know that i cared for him, so i talked to some of my friends, I was like "Aww should i get him a card? or what? i wanna do something for him. But what? a get well card?" haha silly me. ;) So one day, i knew he was at home, and i went over to Safeway, bought him a single red rose, and put it on his doorstep with a note. I'm thoughtful. You know? flowers always make people happy.. no matter what. So the next day, he came up to me and gave me a kiss on the cheek, and said "thank you for the rose".
you know how fucking happy i was? iwas happy that i did something like that first of all.. I put my insecurities behind me and just did it. And it didn't turn out so bad. ha. It was a good time.
We still talk, he's a good friend of mine now.. silly brad. haha
I just thought of that. lol.
This is a really long enrty. But i have a lot to say.. =]
P.S.
Brendon Urie is my age... oh shit..
do i have a chance? HAHA
Riiiight
Panic at the Disco. ;]
cake
play radio play
saosin
30 seconds to mars
pop noir
machines make noises
cowboys vs indians
the killers
hope kills
some bands that have been in the mix lately.