I'm annoyed...
Why does this keep happening?
I went to use my debit card at the store tonight and it was declined. According to my records I had like 200 bucks, but of course Dennis being the fucking retard that I can be forgets to write down that I picked up my contacts which is like 75 bucks...and bought gas last night which was 25...and whatever the fuck else I bought. So now I have like 5 bucks in my checking account and fifteen in my savings. I'm returning some stuff to the Gap cuz I dont like it so that will be a little more money. Oh, but yes...I don't get paid till Friday and this is my long week at work, so I will be driving back and forth a gazillion times and will need to refill my tank at least twice more. Not to mention my cell phone is now shut off too, cuz I didn't pay the bill. I don't remember getting the bill, but of course that doesn't mean that I didn't get one. So now I have NO money till Friday and even then its gonna be gone again! WTF! This living paycheck to paycheck shit is for the birds.
Next...let's move on to my weight issue. I have been packing on the pounds like it is going out of style. If fat gurls were hot, I would be the Brad Pitt of this world. But since they aren't in...I'm just another fat gurl. SO I decide...Hey I'll go on South Beach for a few weeks and see what happens. RIGHT! It's like all seafood and all that shit. Fuck it. I'll just be fat and happy...or not.
Oy! Did I mention that I am breaking out like a 16 year old school girl? Yay me! Love it!
Let's see...what else can I bitch about to kill some time here....oh yea....I have a lot to do...school is starting in September, haven't finished all of the paperwork for that yet. To be honest, getting out of bed is a process for me these days. Maybe tonight I will make a list of things to do and set a plan of action for myself...something to do, right?
Ugh! I wish my mom was here right now....she would know just what to say to make me feel better. Man, I miss her. I know I know...it's to be expected. I think about her all the time...all of the things that I should have said, or the things that I should have done. Did you know that she was all set to come home from the hospital before I went to Denver in April and I said No. I knew that there was no way my aunt and my nana would be able to take care of her, especiallly with me gone. I told her that I would feel better if she was there where she could get treatment that she needed and I didn't have to worry abotu her being at home. I never thought that she would never come home. I feel bad, because she wanted to come home and I blame myself that she couldn't have. That was the last time that I really saw my real mom. My mom who wasn't all doped up and barely making sense. God I miss her so much. I keep looking for the slightest thing to show me that she is there and I can never seem to find it. I mean yea, the tear thing at the cemetary was nice, but it wasn't her. I want her to like come and visit me...tell me that she is OK...tell me that she loves me and tell me that she misses me. I want to know how my dad is, and if they are happy and stuff. I want her to know how much I love her and how bad I feel that I said No. I shouldn't have gone to Denver. I should have stayed home. All of my instincts told me not to go, and I went anyway. I know she wanted me to go, but I also feel like I shouldn't have gone. If only I knew then what I know now...if I only knew that 2 weeks later she would be gone.
My sister sent me an email today and asked me about going to Georgia for July 4th. I have to work so I can't go. She also told me that she would be going to the islands for Thanksgiving, but that we would go to Florida for Christmas. Fucking blows...it just won't be the same without my mom here. She was the one that held us all together and now I feel like we are going to fall apart no matter what.
OK, well I need to stop writing, Im a crying mess right now and everyone is looking at me.
I went to use my debit card at the store tonight and it was declined. According to my records I had like 200 bucks, but of course Dennis being the fucking retard that I can be forgets to write down that I picked up my contacts which is like 75 bucks...and bought gas last night which was 25...and whatever the fuck else I bought. So now I have like 5 bucks in my checking account and fifteen in my savings. I'm returning some stuff to the Gap cuz I dont like it so that will be a little more money. Oh, but yes...I don't get paid till Friday and this is my long week at work, so I will be driving back and forth a gazillion times and will need to refill my tank at least twice more. Not to mention my cell phone is now shut off too, cuz I didn't pay the bill. I don't remember getting the bill, but of course that doesn't mean that I didn't get one. So now I have NO money till Friday and even then its gonna be gone again! WTF! This living paycheck to paycheck shit is for the birds.
Next...let's move on to my weight issue. I have been packing on the pounds like it is going out of style. If fat gurls were hot, I would be the Brad Pitt of this world. But since they aren't in...I'm just another fat gurl. SO I decide...Hey I'll go on South Beach for a few weeks and see what happens. RIGHT! It's like all seafood and all that shit. Fuck it. I'll just be fat and happy...or not.
Oy! Did I mention that I am breaking out like a 16 year old school girl? Yay me! Love it!
Let's see...what else can I bitch about to kill some time here....oh yea....I have a lot to do...school is starting in September, haven't finished all of the paperwork for that yet. To be honest, getting out of bed is a process for me these days. Maybe tonight I will make a list of things to do and set a plan of action for myself...something to do, right?
Ugh! I wish my mom was here right now....she would know just what to say to make me feel better. Man, I miss her. I know I know...it's to be expected. I think about her all the time...all of the things that I should have said, or the things that I should have done. Did you know that she was all set to come home from the hospital before I went to Denver in April and I said No. I knew that there was no way my aunt and my nana would be able to take care of her, especiallly with me gone. I told her that I would feel better if she was there where she could get treatment that she needed and I didn't have to worry abotu her being at home. I never thought that she would never come home. I feel bad, because she wanted to come home and I blame myself that she couldn't have. That was the last time that I really saw my real mom. My mom who wasn't all doped up and barely making sense. God I miss her so much. I keep looking for the slightest thing to show me that she is there and I can never seem to find it. I mean yea, the tear thing at the cemetary was nice, but it wasn't her. I want her to like come and visit me...tell me that she is OK...tell me that she loves me and tell me that she misses me. I want to know how my dad is, and if they are happy and stuff. I want her to know how much I love her and how bad I feel that I said No. I shouldn't have gone to Denver. I should have stayed home. All of my instincts told me not to go, and I went anyway. I know she wanted me to go, but I also feel like I shouldn't have gone. If only I knew then what I know now...if I only knew that 2 weeks later she would be gone.
My sister sent me an email today and asked me about going to Georgia for July 4th. I have to work so I can't go. She also told me that she would be going to the islands for Thanksgiving, but that we would go to Florida for Christmas. Fucking blows...it just won't be the same without my mom here. She was the one that held us all together and now I feel like we are going to fall apart no matter what.
OK, well I need to stop writing, Im a crying mess right now and everyone is looking at me.