Another Day in the Life
Well, only 367 days left in the military. I have begun counting down the days. I am officially out of the military on June 27, 2006, and I really cannot wait. I know that most of you understand the position I am in, and I really do not wish to have to live a secret life anymore. I can't wait until the day that I am officially allowed to mary the man that I love. I know to many this sounds like a simple thing, but when you are in the military, and you work with ignorant people, it makes things much more difficult than it should be. There are a minority of people who just can't imagine two men, or two women, can actually fall in love with one another. I'm not trying to be a martyr for this "cause", but I do think that it should change. I really believe that.
I have been having better days lately, but at the same time, they appear to be more difficult. I have more things to work on, including my own physical fitness. I only look forward to this aspect of the focus because I will hopefully reimerge sexy. I would really like to be one of the beautiful people. I look in the mirror, and no matter what anyone tells me I see only repulsion. I do not like the way that I look, and even if I lose weight I still see myself as fat. After doing the show last year, I had lost about 15lbs, and I was the thinnest I had been in a long time, and still I thought that I was fat. The added pressure of having to appear onstage half naked didn't exactly help with the way I felt. Christy helped a little bit, but only when she saw me not eating and drinking only water. It wasn't until about 5 days before the show that I began eating again. I would eat, in total, 15 cups of coffee with only milk, skim if available, perhaps a bagle (plain), and 1 pack of Marlboro Milds. That was my total intake, and I got really sick. No one ever knew, or needed to know, but now I am doing better. The mirror is still a problem, but I don't look anymore except to do my hair.
Now I don't want anyone to be concerned about me, but I am working with this everyday. I am happier with myself than I have been in a very long time, and I have someone who loves me just the way I am. I am so happy.
Lenny
I have been having better days lately, but at the same time, they appear to be more difficult. I have more things to work on, including my own physical fitness. I only look forward to this aspect of the focus because I will hopefully reimerge sexy. I would really like to be one of the beautiful people. I look in the mirror, and no matter what anyone tells me I see only repulsion. I do not like the way that I look, and even if I lose weight I still see myself as fat. After doing the show last year, I had lost about 15lbs, and I was the thinnest I had been in a long time, and still I thought that I was fat. The added pressure of having to appear onstage half naked didn't exactly help with the way I felt. Christy helped a little bit, but only when she saw me not eating and drinking only water. It wasn't until about 5 days before the show that I began eating again. I would eat, in total, 15 cups of coffee with only milk, skim if available, perhaps a bagle (plain), and 1 pack of Marlboro Milds. That was my total intake, and I got really sick. No one ever knew, or needed to know, but now I am doing better. The mirror is still a problem, but I don't look anymore except to do my hair.
Now I don't want anyone to be concerned about me, but I am working with this everyday. I am happier with myself than I have been in a very long time, and I have someone who loves me just the way I am. I am so happy.
Lenny