I hate thoughts
It's one of those nights. You know the ones where you have to get up early in the morning but you can't sleep because your mind won't shutup and keeps reminding you of all the painful stuff in life.
My mind keeps jumping subjects so quickly that when the pain hits it knocks the wind out of me.
I was thinking about my mortality and I was thinking would Aaron cry if I died? What would happen to Gabriel? What would it do to Don?
The my thoughts went back to a kitten named Eclipse that Aaron and I had for three weeks. It was six weeks old when he died. I remembered in graphic detail the day he died. Then I began to think of my Dear sweet Yuna...my princess. I hope she didn't Die when Aaron let all the cats outside. I hope someone picked her up and she's safe warm and alive. I'm still so mad at Aaron for letting her out...she was never meant to be an outdoor cat.
Then i started seeing stuff between Aaron and I from Highschool to now like playing an old movie. I love Don but sometimes thinking about Aaron still feels like a punch to the gut and I still cry...even though no one sees it...I kinda want someone to see it.
I want to be held and just cry. I'm so tired of being strong.
I don't want to lose Gabriel. I'm so scared. All I've ever wanted was to have a family of my own...I never asked for any of this.
I want the thought of Aaron to no longer hurt. Most of the time I think of him now and get mad...but sometimes I wonder if it just covers up the pain.
Aaron comes to get Gabriel Thursday night. I'm dreading it.....Aaron keeps telling me I could go up to Idaho and see Gabriel but I can't do it. I don't trust Aaron and I will not be up in Idaho that close to him for that long.
I want to stop crying....maybe my friend is right maybe i'm not over him yet....as much as I love Don maybe I'm not completely over Aaron yet.....
My mind keeps jumping subjects so quickly that when the pain hits it knocks the wind out of me.
I was thinking about my mortality and I was thinking would Aaron cry if I died? What would happen to Gabriel? What would it do to Don?
The my thoughts went back to a kitten named Eclipse that Aaron and I had for three weeks. It was six weeks old when he died. I remembered in graphic detail the day he died. Then I began to think of my Dear sweet Yuna...my princess. I hope she didn't Die when Aaron let all the cats outside. I hope someone picked her up and she's safe warm and alive. I'm still so mad at Aaron for letting her out...she was never meant to be an outdoor cat.
Then i started seeing stuff between Aaron and I from Highschool to now like playing an old movie. I love Don but sometimes thinking about Aaron still feels like a punch to the gut and I still cry...even though no one sees it...I kinda want someone to see it.
I want to be held and just cry. I'm so tired of being strong.
I don't want to lose Gabriel. I'm so scared. All I've ever wanted was to have a family of my own...I never asked for any of this.
I want the thought of Aaron to no longer hurt. Most of the time I think of him now and get mad...but sometimes I wonder if it just covers up the pain.
Aaron comes to get Gabriel Thursday night. I'm dreading it.....Aaron keeps telling me I could go up to Idaho and see Gabriel but I can't do it. I don't trust Aaron and I will not be up in Idaho that close to him for that long.
I want to stop crying....maybe my friend is right maybe i'm not over him yet....as much as I love Don maybe I'm not completely over Aaron yet.....