Update
Been sick as a dog for the last few days, which is great when there is so much I need to do, like try to find out how to keep my home, how to have any money, groceries, pay bills, survive, etc. I really do want to move up to Kentucky with Ashley, so am looking at how to....she's gonna look too, but I don't want to bother her....she has a life there, a husband, a job, and I don't want to burden her with a mom that now isn't really on her own. Not to mention I don't want to cut into her privacy and life.
I don't have anything here really, but at least Mama is here. I just don't know how to pay my bills. Unless I have about 6 kids, then I would get all the money I needed for rent, food, utilities, etc. but as a disabled, poverty stricken, far below the poverty line woman that's alone, I am outta luck. I just don't know what to do. Either way I annoy and bother someone....stay here and I have to depend on mama for help with things I can't do around the house, just all the things that I'm basically crippled from doing anymore, have to ask her for help with money at times cause I have NO money at all right now. I literally have 20cents in my pocket. I have no food stamps, no cash, nothing.
What I do have is a disability check for $675 a month, which pays my rent for $625 a month. Now, before everyone starts saying, MY LORD, SURELY YOU CAN FIND A CHEAPER PLACE TO LIVE!!!, Let me describe the MANSION I live in.... my home is a 4 room little cottage, one bathroom, no central AC/Heat, window units in living room and bedroom to cool, and wall heater in kitchen and small one in bathroom to heat the whole house. There is a little screen porch off the kitchen where the washer and dryer are. The carport goes in back of house to open at the porch. Total square footage is about 800 sq. ft. and that is a generous guess. For this I pay $625 a month and believe me, this is cheap in Post Rita Louisiana for a nice little house that isn't in the slums where I would STILL pay over $700 a month.
With the remaining $50 dollars I have to come up with the monthly utilities, totalled together $500 electric, gas, water, tv, phone. My medical even with Medicare helping and all, I still need at least $60 every time I go to the doctor's office, + co-pay for meds at $15 a pop, for about another $200 month, If Food Stamps still refuses to help me then that adds an additional $150-$200 in groceries conservatively a month. I don't eat meat hardly at all and am very conservative even on veggies. I do drink as much milk as I can since I don't get any calcium and am anemic. Over my food, the frivolous spent is about $65 a month on the babies pet food... Gee, I can stretch that $50 well into that $1000 a month needed, not to mention my $300 car note, and $150 insurance.
So right now, I am , as George Bailey was told by Mr. Potter, quite literally worth more dead than I am alive! I don't know what to do about any of this. My health has been declining more than I have told Mom or anyone. I've been hurting in my right back like I've been kicked in the kidneys again, which means my kidney infections are flaring up and shutting down again. I've been throwing up everything and blood in my urine for the last few days. I upped my kidney meds, but that will take time to kick in. I am still fighting for every breath I take and cannot walk from one room to another without my oxygen. My heart has gotten very weak from the pulmonary hypertension so, it takes nothing for it to start just pounding. I haven't been able to help anyone clean my house in years and Tracy just hated me for that, even though he didn't say so. I kow he wouldn't say it, but he felt like I was so lazy cause I wouldn't just get up and clean the kitchen, or the bathroom, or anything, when I asked him to clean....
I truly HATE not being able to do all of this...being unable to simply pick up a broom and sweep my house, clean my kitchen, or my bathroom without getting so out of breath that you feel like your chest is going to just burst ot of your body in its quest for air..........that surely God will let you simply open your mouth and take in a simple breath of air like a 6 month old baby.
I just wish there was a way to survive and live a life where no one had to hurt or be bothered by me. I am at a complete and utter loss for words. I love my mother. I love my daughter. and in a strange way I still care for Tracy....call it love...I know strange love, but I spent 10 years with him and when he and I were first together, we just did everything, we'd talk all night long about everything and it was so nice. We'd travel around eveen if it was just around town. We'd find little hole in the wall mexican places that served great food, while showing tv shows about cannabialism...we enjoyed each other. It was also before I started getting so sick. And the sicker I got, and the weaker I got. Over time Tracy just got tired I think of my being so ill. You know it is very hard to watch someone go thru all this over time. I was "healthy" when we met but he watched me get worse and worse. I'm not excusing him, his drinking, his alcoholism, the way he treated me at the worst times, any of it. My mom thinks I'm gonna "weaken" and take Tracy back if I talk to him or his mom and they sweetalk me as she says about all the times we were together. That I'll forget the bad times. You know, I won't forget him being drunk, I won't forget him yelling at me over nothing...my cooking an entire meal and half an hour before it's ready, he would just go off and slam the door of the bedroom, refuse to eat and talk or anything for days. He had a knack of doing it on the holidays.
I know it was his drinking that was the cause of so much of it. Alcohol does horrible things, but I also know that Trace used that as an excuse to be mean and ugly to everyone. He's run from everyone all his life. I don't know why. I've loved him with everything and every fiber of my being. I always hoped he would chose me choose me, sounds stupid doesn't it, choose me over alcohol. Story done and already covered. Do I still love Tracy? Truthfully, I guess I always will love him in my heart. Just like deep down, a part of me still cares for and sorta loves Kent. You can't spend years with a man, love a man, share a life with a man and not still care for him even if its over. It doesn't mean that the problems disappear and everything is wonderful. I wish I could stop my heart and even my brain and memory cause at times, it hurts so bad.
I don't know what the future holds. I wish I did. I would love it if the doctors I'm gonna see for my lungs can make me healthy again; that Tracy would stay sober and decide that he wants to do so for the rest of his days, difficult though that may be; that he would find a job that would truly pay enough to take care of the two of us without my mother paying for everyting time after time, making Tracy resentful of her and her hateful of him. She always says that he broke his promise he made on our wedding day when he took her aside and assured her that he would always take care of me, but he never did. My daydream: Tracy finds a great job, decides to stay sober and go to AA. I'd go to these doctors for my lungs and they'd find something to kepp me alive and actually make me better somewhat; I'k find something in Kentucky and move there to be close to Ashley and Brent, not be a burden to anyone; Tracy would ask me to got o AA counseling with him to help him stay sober, keep his job, work on us to show me that he did love me, that he could really do all that he wanted to when we met, when he told me he loved me more than life, that he would always be here for me, that he would never hurt me.
Most of all, I wish that I would be and could me what I'm never going to be, worth something and not always this needy, this sick. I have tried very hard to be good and never harm anyone in my life, maybe I haven't always succeeded, but I just want to live whatever time there might be left in peace, be that with my babies Sadie, Cammie, and Clyde; Tracy; my mother; Ashley and Brent, if they will have me, or if God means it to be, alone. Maybe alone is all I deserve.
I don't have anything here really, but at least Mama is here. I just don't know how to pay my bills. Unless I have about 6 kids, then I would get all the money I needed for rent, food, utilities, etc. but as a disabled, poverty stricken, far below the poverty line woman that's alone, I am outta luck. I just don't know what to do. Either way I annoy and bother someone....stay here and I have to depend on mama for help with things I can't do around the house, just all the things that I'm basically crippled from doing anymore, have to ask her for help with money at times cause I have NO money at all right now. I literally have 20cents in my pocket. I have no food stamps, no cash, nothing.
What I do have is a disability check for $675 a month, which pays my rent for $625 a month. Now, before everyone starts saying, MY LORD, SURELY YOU CAN FIND A CHEAPER PLACE TO LIVE!!!, Let me describe the MANSION I live in.... my home is a 4 room little cottage, one bathroom, no central AC/Heat, window units in living room and bedroom to cool, and wall heater in kitchen and small one in bathroom to heat the whole house. There is a little screen porch off the kitchen where the washer and dryer are. The carport goes in back of house to open at the porch. Total square footage is about 800 sq. ft. and that is a generous guess. For this I pay $625 a month and believe me, this is cheap in Post Rita Louisiana for a nice little house that isn't in the slums where I would STILL pay over $700 a month.
With the remaining $50 dollars I have to come up with the monthly utilities, totalled together $500 electric, gas, water, tv, phone. My medical even with Medicare helping and all, I still need at least $60 every time I go to the doctor's office, + co-pay for meds at $15 a pop, for about another $200 month, If Food Stamps still refuses to help me then that adds an additional $150-$200 in groceries conservatively a month. I don't eat meat hardly at all and am very conservative even on veggies. I do drink as much milk as I can since I don't get any calcium and am anemic. Over my food, the frivolous spent is about $65 a month on the babies pet food... Gee, I can stretch that $50 well into that $1000 a month needed, not to mention my $300 car note, and $150 insurance.
So right now, I am , as George Bailey was told by Mr. Potter, quite literally worth more dead than I am alive! I don't know what to do about any of this. My health has been declining more than I have told Mom or anyone. I've been hurting in my right back like I've been kicked in the kidneys again, which means my kidney infections are flaring up and shutting down again. I've been throwing up everything and blood in my urine for the last few days. I upped my kidney meds, but that will take time to kick in. I am still fighting for every breath I take and cannot walk from one room to another without my oxygen. My heart has gotten very weak from the pulmonary hypertension so, it takes nothing for it to start just pounding. I haven't been able to help anyone clean my house in years and Tracy just hated me for that, even though he didn't say so. I kow he wouldn't say it, but he felt like I was so lazy cause I wouldn't just get up and clean the kitchen, or the bathroom, or anything, when I asked him to clean....
I truly HATE not being able to do all of this...being unable to simply pick up a broom and sweep my house, clean my kitchen, or my bathroom without getting so out of breath that you feel like your chest is going to just burst ot of your body in its quest for air..........that surely God will let you simply open your mouth and take in a simple breath of air like a 6 month old baby.
I just wish there was a way to survive and live a life where no one had to hurt or be bothered by me. I am at a complete and utter loss for words. I love my mother. I love my daughter. and in a strange way I still care for Tracy....call it love...I know strange love, but I spent 10 years with him and when he and I were first together, we just did everything, we'd talk all night long about everything and it was so nice. We'd travel around eveen if it was just around town. We'd find little hole in the wall mexican places that served great food, while showing tv shows about cannabialism...we enjoyed each other. It was also before I started getting so sick. And the sicker I got, and the weaker I got. Over time Tracy just got tired I think of my being so ill. You know it is very hard to watch someone go thru all this over time. I was "healthy" when we met but he watched me get worse and worse. I'm not excusing him, his drinking, his alcoholism, the way he treated me at the worst times, any of it. My mom thinks I'm gonna "weaken" and take Tracy back if I talk to him or his mom and they sweetalk me as she says about all the times we were together. That I'll forget the bad times. You know, I won't forget him being drunk, I won't forget him yelling at me over nothing...my cooking an entire meal and half an hour before it's ready, he would just go off and slam the door of the bedroom, refuse to eat and talk or anything for days. He had a knack of doing it on the holidays.
I know it was his drinking that was the cause of so much of it. Alcohol does horrible things, but I also know that Trace used that as an excuse to be mean and ugly to everyone. He's run from everyone all his life. I don't know why. I've loved him with everything and every fiber of my being. I always hoped he would chose me choose me, sounds stupid doesn't it, choose me over alcohol. Story done and already covered. Do I still love Tracy? Truthfully, I guess I always will love him in my heart. Just like deep down, a part of me still cares for and sorta loves Kent. You can't spend years with a man, love a man, share a life with a man and not still care for him even if its over. It doesn't mean that the problems disappear and everything is wonderful. I wish I could stop my heart and even my brain and memory cause at times, it hurts so bad.
I don't know what the future holds. I wish I did. I would love it if the doctors I'm gonna see for my lungs can make me healthy again; that Tracy would stay sober and decide that he wants to do so for the rest of his days, difficult though that may be; that he would find a job that would truly pay enough to take care of the two of us without my mother paying for everyting time after time, making Tracy resentful of her and her hateful of him. She always says that he broke his promise he made on our wedding day when he took her aside and assured her that he would always take care of me, but he never did. My daydream: Tracy finds a great job, decides to stay sober and go to AA. I'd go to these doctors for my lungs and they'd find something to kepp me alive and actually make me better somewhat; I'k find something in Kentucky and move there to be close to Ashley and Brent, not be a burden to anyone; Tracy would ask me to got o AA counseling with him to help him stay sober, keep his job, work on us to show me that he did love me, that he could really do all that he wanted to when we met, when he told me he loved me more than life, that he would always be here for me, that he would never hurt me.
Most of all, I wish that I would be and could me what I'm never going to be, worth something and not always this needy, this sick. I have tried very hard to be good and never harm anyone in my life, maybe I haven't always succeeded, but I just want to live whatever time there might be left in peace, be that with my babies Sadie, Cammie, and Clyde; Tracy; my mother; Ashley and Brent, if they will have me, or if God means it to be, alone. Maybe alone is all I deserve.