(no subject)
i feel like closing off. to even those i deem as responsibilities or obligations, which is a terrible thing to say, but if anyone understood my brain it would make sense. the inclusion of other people into my life, when all i've ever thought about pleasing is myself in this ridiculously hedonistic view of life, is the destruction of every nesecary part of my life i have constructed. the best friend, the dirty punk, it's all a needless part of life that everyone is taking far too seriously. i haven't had a problem with these adaptations. i honestly haven't, and if it weren't for their over-exaggeration of the situation, and that they feel somehow my inclusion into their life would make things better for them, i probably wouldn't have a problem now. it's apparent by the aruging and depression floating amongst them that this is flawed logic.
and i shouldn't care right now, which is what kills. but if anyone understood how much of myself i've surrendered. how much of myself is divided amongst these people. and how much i've become a total disappointment to them.. then i guess it makes sense that i'd be upset. but i want not to be. and so i devote myself to something else. something else that isn't what i should devote myself to. i should be doing homework.
i'm a failure and a fraud.
i hope tonight makes me feel better. somehow his inclusion into this mess of my life, and the one part of everything that has finally been sorted out and feels comfortable, makes things better. as if some part of "normalcy," as they call it, helps. as if watching movies and playing with his hair is the most natural thing in the world.
for once i'm not upset about a relationship. for once he isn't making me feel terrible about myself. for once it seems just that.. natural.
of course these feelings are maginified by my being sick, but that doesn't matter.
i suppose the only reason to keep this journal is to keep the people i love informed (ie: jenni, tylah, ashii, the rest of you that would make up this long list), but i'm unsure of whether or not i want to. unsure of whether it's a good idea. any opinion on the matter would be great, because this isn't for me any more. it's all for you.
and i shouldn't care right now, which is what kills. but if anyone understood how much of myself i've surrendered. how much of myself is divided amongst these people. and how much i've become a total disappointment to them.. then i guess it makes sense that i'd be upset. but i want not to be. and so i devote myself to something else. something else that isn't what i should devote myself to. i should be doing homework.
i'm a failure and a fraud.
i hope tonight makes me feel better. somehow his inclusion into this mess of my life, and the one part of everything that has finally been sorted out and feels comfortable, makes things better. as if some part of "normalcy," as they call it, helps. as if watching movies and playing with his hair is the most natural thing in the world.
for once i'm not upset about a relationship. for once he isn't making me feel terrible about myself. for once it seems just that.. natural.
of course these feelings are maginified by my being sick, but that doesn't matter.
i suppose the only reason to keep this journal is to keep the people i love informed (ie: jenni, tylah, ashii, the rest of you that would make up this long list), but i'm unsure of whether or not i want to. unsure of whether it's a good idea. any opinion on the matter would be great, because this isn't for me any more. it's all for you.