heehee
1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I
pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. You
did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know,"explained
the boy, "I leaned ! over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes
later....."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No, You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" I told you NO! If you
ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes
later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can
you bring a drink of water?"
3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him "How do you ! expect to get into Heaven?" The boy
thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep
slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in
or stay out!'"
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking
her son into bed.She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a
tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother
smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to
sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky
little voice: "The big sissy."
5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the
children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One
little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down,
the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your
Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on
microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
6 When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old
came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She
said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy
has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, but what's growing
in your butt?"
7 A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus
five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is
nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you
doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom.""And
this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes,"
he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What
are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are
learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two
plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped
laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF
WHICH, is four."
8. One day the first grade
teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to
the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She
read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky
is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand
and said, "I think he said: '! Holy Cow! A talking chicken!'" The teacher
was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say,
"I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
"Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but
mother says I'm not."
10 A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the
boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too
rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If
I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next
to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake
The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie.
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."