(no subject)

Apr 17, 2005 14:59

lately i've been too busy.

too busy being in love, working too much, too hard, worrying about my weight or how many cigarettes i'm smoking, or how many vitamins i've taken. I've been busy making plans, dealing with drama, making new friends, revisiting old times with old ones, finding new things to do to keep my mind occupied. I've been too busy to think about who i am and who i'm becoming.

So i take one moment to stop and think about WHY i'm moving in a direction instead of HOW and i come up so fucking empty. and then i remember what motivated me to go travelling in the first place. when i stopped ignoring the hollow goals and plans i'd been blindly following since i was born, looked them in the eye and saw them for what they were. when i stopped doing things just to do them, and actually only did what i wanted to. i remembered what made me happy and promised myself i'd only do those things all day every day for the rest of my life. i vowed i'd never forget again, that i would never get so caught up in being busy that i missed the big picture. and then i gave up comfortableness and numbness and certainty for risk, passion, adventure, recklessness, and complete uncertainty.

and let me tell you, i was the happiest i've ever been in my entire life. even the lowest lows you had hope and inspiration. you were completely fearless and knew that if you only just still had yourself, everything would work out allright. your sweat takes the place of your tears, in bad times, you walk and you walk, and you run, and you walk, and eventually you're in a better place. if you do cry its very short and you get a hug and then you feel ten times better than you did to start with and you look at the stars and think about where you can go where its better. a housie kid will cry the kind of cry where you lay on your bed and curl up in a ball and cry for hours, and reach for hope and come up empty handed. one thing falls apart and its a domino effect. it takes a long time and a lot of new planmaking to get comfortable with yourself again. and when you wake up, you're not in much of a better place than you started.

so heres my plan, move to gainesville (which is a good start, its much better than here), work at cd warehouse (why? money), go to massage therapy school (why? money doing something i don't hate, yet, for a long time), why money? oh, to buy stuff and get a house and be happy. sure. i can do all that. its easy. and then when i get there i can make new plans. vacations possibly, collections possibly (music?), projects possibly, promotions maybe, self employment possibly, "fun" maybe. sounds good, and its an easy path there. but it still seems kind of shallow to me. just because even though it sounds comfortable, and good and easy and safe, i'm not excited by the thought of it all. i'm not shaking in my boots yet. i'm not jumping up and down in joy. nothing like that. i'm just "okay" with it. for now. but i can see my self middleaged and bored with life. and all my friends, the same.

but at least i can take solace in the thought that if i ever get sick to my stomach of it all,if all the pieces fall down, i'll still have the road, and myself.

and skip, i miss you. stop living so far away.
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