HOSPITAL
(POST-INCIDENT)
"It was a Monday…
They brought me in on a stretcher. I was tired up & handcuffed. The next morning I woke up and I was bruised. Handcuffs suck. I guess that’ll teach me for wrestling w/ 3 police officers.
It started out with a sentence of 2-3 days. The next 12 hours, it changed from 7-10 days. Word is, I won’t be getting out in Saturday for my SATs. Oh well.
They changed my diagnosis: from Depression to BPD; Bipolar Disorder. And/Or mood cycling. Interesting."
(CUTTING)
"The funny thing was, while at school I could tell you about 10 names off the top of my head of people who cut, but here it seems like I was the only one. Everyone else didn't seem shocked by it. They weren't even phased. It was a neutral expression they wore when they saw the scars on my arms. The only emotion was interest. "What does that say?" "JEREMY" and "FUCK LOVE". Exciting, right?"
(THE INCIDENT)
"I'm not even quite sure how it is that I got here. All I knew, was that by the time I was aware if how much shit I just got into, it was too late...
I guess it srarted when he pulled me backward. Through the rubble that I had strewn on the floor. He pulled too hard. Too aggressively. I fell backwards. I got up fighting.
Everyone has their limits, mine was dehabitilization.
I would have knocked his ass down the stairs backwards if his momma didn't get in the way. I wouldn't hurt her. I loved her. No one should have to hit a pregnant lady..."
(HIS MOTHER)
"She tried to tell me that it was over and that high school relationships do not last. I didn't want to hear it. I had already known. It wasn't fair to beat that dead horse in my face.
She wouldn't stop. I thought scissors would make her stop. I saw them, picked them up and then threatened myself with them. She did something unexpected; she ran to me. She fought me for them. I smashed my head through the window when she had finally forced them from my hands."
(THE DAMAGE)
"And then the cops came...
By that time I had knocked my glasses off. I couldn't really see what was going on around me. All I knew is they were touching me and I was kicking & screaming.
I guess I broke his bed. The baseboard. I heard the sickening snap of wood.
They threw me on the bed. I was face down. Next came the handcuiffs. I could not give up. Kicking and screaming obsenities. That's how those three men got ontop of me. I was crying hystarically. "Nice boogers," the comment as they flew out of my nose.
I couldn't breathe & my hands went numb. Someone's knee was jabbed in my back."
(THE COPS)
""Will you co-operate and make this easier?"
"No, she won't co-operate."
They didn't give me a chance to answer.
So, I did what any other rebellious teenager would do: I made them do all the hard work."
(LAST ATTEMPT)
"One last effort to free myself. Not that I had anywhere to go but I was in Fight Mode. It didn't matter anymore. All I had was my shattered dignity.
When they had me in the air, I kicked and squirmed. Not so smart, looking back on it, that would have hurt.
I almost got the young guy. Was he in training? I almost got him to let go of my feet."
(THE HOUSE)
"Down the stairs & out the door. All the places I had known so well. His house. I had been there soo many times. Would this be the last?
Outside. It was black as night with Christmas lights. Familiar voices & something new. A stretcher. And restraints. Lost hope. Swallowed up. I was officially stuck. No place to go but wherever they took me."
(THE LOVE OF A MOTHER)
"She was there by my side again. My would-have-been mother-in-law.
"Don't touch me! Don't touch me!"
It hurt too much. Reality sucks."
------------------------
(DESCETE)
"He wasn't supposed to tell anybody. That was the deal. According to his (useless) "word" amongst his mother and the cops. I guess that means he lied. That he's a liar. What a dog.
He had to tell someone I practically despise. He had to tell someone I work with. I'm soo furious. This is rediculously uncalled for. I hate him. I hate him soo much it hurts.
He's not worth the tears & the pain. He remindes me this everday. How did I miss it before? How did I let it go ignored?"
(MEN)
"They say love is blind. Not only is it blind, but it's extremely unkind.
The only man a girl can trust is her daddy. It's hard not to hate their species. I shouldn't allow one pig to ruin it for everyone else. I feel bad..."
(AS MY WORLD CAME CRASHING DOWN)
"He wasn't just my boyfriend. He was my everything. My world. I built my life around him. Needless to say, my world is SHATTERED and I'm left all alone to pick up the pieces.
Which is better? Complete solitude or bring locked up in Unit S-2? The PG-Rated Psycho Ward. It's pretty sad when you preffer to be here rather than the outisde world. It let's you know how much your life really does suck after all."
(BROKEN)
"Id'd rather be in here, than out there.
At least untill our cwould-be "two year anniversary". If I was allowered to go before December 6th, I might loose my mind, I've already lost my soul and have precious little dignity left. If I lost my mind I might as well be dead. So much for "Ms. Potential"."
(IMMOBILE)
"I'm scared of being a vegetable. It's one of the only things that prevents me from REALLY trying to kill myself. Not being able to act as I like, speak as I wish. To me, that is worse than death. I would honestly then be able to say that I am trapped inside my head. Silently Screaming."
(FAMILIAL REQUESTS)
"It's hard to tell the truth when everyone wants you to lie. "Just smile." "Pretend to be happy." I smile and nod like a compliant zombie just to soothe the ones I love. But I can't do those things, no matter how many times you ask them of me. I'm sick of the half-truths. I'm sick of pretending. I no longer want to be "the best pretender you'll ever meet." I'm sick of my life being a lie, I'm sick of being someone I'm not..."
(DEFINITION)
"I broke down just as the egg shell that surrounds my highly fragile inner truth (my actual being) has shattered. You can only hold so much in before it all comes out. And let me tell you. It comes out when you lest expect it, in the most highly destructive manner, as one of those moments that will eventually re-define your life."
"It was a Monday…
They brought me in on a stretcher. I was tired up & handcuffed. The next morning I woke up and I was bruised. Handcuffs suck. I guess that’ll teach me for wrestling w/ 3 police officers.
It started out with a sentence of 2-3 days. The next 12 hours, it changed from 7-10 days. Word is, I won’t be getting out in Saturday for my SATs. Oh well.
They changed my diagnosis: from Depression to BPD; Bipolar Disorder. And/Or mood cycling. Interesting."
(CUTTING)
"The funny thing was, while at school I could tell you about 10 names off the top of my head of people who cut, but here it seems like I was the only one. Everyone else didn't seem shocked by it. They weren't even phased. It was a neutral expression they wore when they saw the scars on my arms. The only emotion was interest. "What does that say?" "JEREMY" and "FUCK LOVE". Exciting, right?"
(THE INCIDENT)
"I'm not even quite sure how it is that I got here. All I knew, was that by the time I was aware if how much shit I just got into, it was too late...
I guess it srarted when he pulled me backward. Through the rubble that I had strewn on the floor. He pulled too hard. Too aggressively. I fell backwards. I got up fighting.
Everyone has their limits, mine was dehabitilization.
I would have knocked his ass down the stairs backwards if his momma didn't get in the way. I wouldn't hurt her. I loved her. No one should have to hit a pregnant lady..."
(HIS MOTHER)
"She tried to tell me that it was over and that high school relationships do not last. I didn't want to hear it. I had already known. It wasn't fair to beat that dead horse in my face.
She wouldn't stop. I thought scissors would make her stop. I saw them, picked them up and then threatened myself with them. She did something unexpected; she ran to me. She fought me for them. I smashed my head through the window when she had finally forced them from my hands."
(THE DAMAGE)
"And then the cops came...
By that time I had knocked my glasses off. I couldn't really see what was going on around me. All I knew is they were touching me and I was kicking & screaming.
I guess I broke his bed. The baseboard. I heard the sickening snap of wood.
They threw me on the bed. I was face down. Next came the handcuiffs. I could not give up. Kicking and screaming obsenities. That's how those three men got ontop of me. I was crying hystarically. "Nice boogers," the comment as they flew out of my nose.
I couldn't breathe & my hands went numb. Someone's knee was jabbed in my back."
(THE COPS)
""Will you co-operate and make this easier?"
"No, she won't co-operate."
They didn't give me a chance to answer.
So, I did what any other rebellious teenager would do: I made them do all the hard work."
(LAST ATTEMPT)
"One last effort to free myself. Not that I had anywhere to go but I was in Fight Mode. It didn't matter anymore. All I had was my shattered dignity.
When they had me in the air, I kicked and squirmed. Not so smart, looking back on it, that would have hurt.
I almost got the young guy. Was he in training? I almost got him to let go of my feet."
(THE HOUSE)
"Down the stairs & out the door. All the places I had known so well. His house. I had been there soo many times. Would this be the last?
Outside. It was black as night with Christmas lights. Familiar voices & something new. A stretcher. And restraints. Lost hope. Swallowed up. I was officially stuck. No place to go but wherever they took me."
(THE LOVE OF A MOTHER)
"She was there by my side again. My would-have-been mother-in-law.
"Don't touch me! Don't touch me!"
It hurt too much. Reality sucks."
------------------------
(DESCETE)
"He wasn't supposed to tell anybody. That was the deal. According to his (useless) "word" amongst his mother and the cops. I guess that means he lied. That he's a liar. What a dog.
He had to tell someone I practically despise. He had to tell someone I work with. I'm soo furious. This is rediculously uncalled for. I hate him. I hate him soo much it hurts.
He's not worth the tears & the pain. He remindes me this everday. How did I miss it before? How did I let it go ignored?"
(MEN)
"They say love is blind. Not only is it blind, but it's extremely unkind.
The only man a girl can trust is her daddy. It's hard not to hate their species. I shouldn't allow one pig to ruin it for everyone else. I feel bad..."
(AS MY WORLD CAME CRASHING DOWN)
"He wasn't just my boyfriend. He was my everything. My world. I built my life around him. Needless to say, my world is SHATTERED and I'm left all alone to pick up the pieces.
Which is better? Complete solitude or bring locked up in Unit S-2? The PG-Rated Psycho Ward. It's pretty sad when you preffer to be here rather than the outisde world. It let's you know how much your life really does suck after all."
(BROKEN)
"Id'd rather be in here, than out there.
At least untill our cwould-be "two year anniversary". If I was allowered to go before December 6th, I might loose my mind, I've already lost my soul and have precious little dignity left. If I lost my mind I might as well be dead. So much for "Ms. Potential"."
(IMMOBILE)
"I'm scared of being a vegetable. It's one of the only things that prevents me from REALLY trying to kill myself. Not being able to act as I like, speak as I wish. To me, that is worse than death. I would honestly then be able to say that I am trapped inside my head. Silently Screaming."
(FAMILIAL REQUESTS)
"It's hard to tell the truth when everyone wants you to lie. "Just smile." "Pretend to be happy." I smile and nod like a compliant zombie just to soothe the ones I love. But I can't do those things, no matter how many times you ask them of me. I'm sick of the half-truths. I'm sick of pretending. I no longer want to be "the best pretender you'll ever meet." I'm sick of my life being a lie, I'm sick of being someone I'm not..."
(DEFINITION)
"I broke down just as the egg shell that surrounds my highly fragile inner truth (my actual being) has shattered. You can only hold so much in before it all comes out. And let me tell you. It comes out when you lest expect it, in the most highly destructive manner, as one of those moments that will eventually re-define your life."