Holy tits!!!
It has been forever. Reading some of these old entries, oh man. I just gotta shake my head.
I have decided to start writing in this here journal again for no ones amusement other than my own. And not really for amusement, but rather clarity. My mind is always going 372672 mph and writing everything out has always helped, something I haven't done in years. I don't expect a single sole to ever stumble upon this or read this but if they do, then whatevs. I'm crazy, but everyone's crazy. I just really need to get my life figured out right now and a pen and paper (.) has always been a remedy.
Lets see... What's new. Haha. Just got out of a 3 1/2 year relationship! Yup. This girl right here, free spirit single slut fo life. I don't think you ever really know the type of person you are until you're in a soul-wrenching relationship with another human being. Did I mention my ex was crazy? And he made me crazy? Yup we def brought out the worst in each other. I can't believe I stayed with him so long. I look back at old independent no BS loomis and she's shaking her head at me. Turns out I wasn't as strong as i thought and I sadly let a man dictate my life/opinions. It kills me. Looking back I realize I just suck at letting go. I've never been in a break up. I've been friends with my friends for forever, I don't hop around from one group to another. When you're in my life, you're in my life for good. I guess I didn't grasp that relationships are meant to come and go. So I beat a dead horse for years. Lost my sense of identity, alienated myself, fell out of love with previous interests. I can't entirely blame Austin tho, I should have ended it upon my continued unhappiness. I let myself be bothered by him and influenced. I really can only blame myself. He's not that bad of a guy either. Well I take that back. He two timed me in the beginning and used me in the end along with cheating on me with the lamest ugliest troll whore I've ever seen (I'm not bitter at all haha). So yeah he does suck. But don't get me wrong we did have our good times. That's kinda why I'm sad now. We broke up about a month ago and I was on a single high for about two weeks. Then the sails started to wane and idle hands/alone in my thoughts set in. "Will anyone love me again?" "I'm crazy. No one ever will. And I have weird habits." "I'm a loser no one ever will." "Am I making a mistake?" "What happens when he moves on?" "I am nothing now cuz he was my everything for years" blah blah etc. I just have to let go and move on and work on me. I haven't ever really done that. That's another thing...
My sense of identity. Before I was happy being alone and single. Cuz I wasn't really ever alone. I was 20-21 year old alcoholic partier who only cared about booze. Looking back at old entries i tried to make myself sound like a had it under control. And maybe I did. But around 2007 alcohol/weed took over my life. I didn't care who I was hanging out with as long as the alcohol was a-flowing. I was incredibly selfish. I was literally never alone or doing anything for just myself. Fast forward to 2009 the party year of my life. There was literally a group of 20-60 of us that partied constantly. It kept me fulfilled, it made me happy. I felt like I had a place to belong and found my niche, one that consisted of endless pool parties dart tournaments and drunken talks. Which was very fun. But it's fleeting. Then I got in to said above relationship and well that sealed the deal on Laura development. I tied my whole identity in this relationship. At first we partied with everyone but then became hermits. Not gonna lie it did make me happy. We would stay up for hours, smoking, watching MJ videos, talking about everything and nothing, watching South Park. And that was my fulfillment. And the previous traits of me not finding inner self happiness took hold.... My identity was tied to him and i wasn't my own self. Just like before... I was a person in a sea of partiers. Not Laura loomis amazon woman. (Okay that was dumb) I've never been LLAW it turns out. My identity has always been tied to other people and what they like. Me and A broke up and here I am alone again. But that's the difference? I don't have that fail-proof 21 year old partier lifestyle to fall back on. Everyone else has moved on. Cuz they don't have horrible lets-not-progress-ourselves qualities that i do. So now I'm alone, single, still waiting tables on probation from school, with no safety net and no identity to attach myself to. See my dilemma? But see my silver lining? I am scared shitless and totally unsure of what path to take... But it's kinda freeing. I kinda feel 18 again heading up to Tx state. Like I am still young and can do anything, cuz even tho I have an identity crisis I'm still awesome and a hard ass worker. So I know I can accomplish my goals. I guess it's just a matter of doing it and where to start. I don't even know what my goals are anymore I've thought about doing so much. I have a few avenues I want to explore and think it would be kick ass but I'm not gonna say anything yet and jinx myself. I just need to stop being lazy and do it!! Now is my time. God has put me at a somewhat rock-bottom to allow me to climb out and grow and find my own way without anyone else's opinions swaying me. Wow. See writing really does make my thoughts super more coherent. It made me teary-eyed writing that. So basically I feel depressed and alone and unsure but it's kinda an awesome place to be. Like my fave quote/tattoo: "it's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything". Especially when I make baby steps in the right directions. Even something as simple as making a pot of coffee this morning... That's actually a big deal for me. And those little wins make me happy and I see I can be happy by myself. I really don't need a man. Especially given my identity track record. I need to find myself and hopefully the right guy will be interested. But I'm so damn weird no one will ever probably get close to me again haha. But atleast ill have my identity and can make my own awesome company! And I have gizmo. He's all I need.
Well this was kinda long and I actually wanna write more but will prob later. I'd like to make this a morning ritual. It's very therapeutic. And I don't plan on being so vague all the time ill give details and stuff. I just had to dip my toesies back in this journal world. :) it felt good.
Posted via m.livejournal.com.
I have decided to start writing in this here journal again for no ones amusement other than my own. And not really for amusement, but rather clarity. My mind is always going 372672 mph and writing everything out has always helped, something I haven't done in years. I don't expect a single sole to ever stumble upon this or read this but if they do, then whatevs. I'm crazy, but everyone's crazy. I just really need to get my life figured out right now and a pen and paper (.) has always been a remedy.
Lets see... What's new. Haha. Just got out of a 3 1/2 year relationship! Yup. This girl right here, free spirit single slut fo life. I don't think you ever really know the type of person you are until you're in a soul-wrenching relationship with another human being. Did I mention my ex was crazy? And he made me crazy? Yup we def brought out the worst in each other. I can't believe I stayed with him so long. I look back at old independent no BS loomis and she's shaking her head at me. Turns out I wasn't as strong as i thought and I sadly let a man dictate my life/opinions. It kills me. Looking back I realize I just suck at letting go. I've never been in a break up. I've been friends with my friends for forever, I don't hop around from one group to another. When you're in my life, you're in my life for good. I guess I didn't grasp that relationships are meant to come and go. So I beat a dead horse for years. Lost my sense of identity, alienated myself, fell out of love with previous interests. I can't entirely blame Austin tho, I should have ended it upon my continued unhappiness. I let myself be bothered by him and influenced. I really can only blame myself. He's not that bad of a guy either. Well I take that back. He two timed me in the beginning and used me in the end along with cheating on me with the lamest ugliest troll whore I've ever seen (I'm not bitter at all haha). So yeah he does suck. But don't get me wrong we did have our good times. That's kinda why I'm sad now. We broke up about a month ago and I was on a single high for about two weeks. Then the sails started to wane and idle hands/alone in my thoughts set in. "Will anyone love me again?" "I'm crazy. No one ever will. And I have weird habits." "I'm a loser no one ever will." "Am I making a mistake?" "What happens when he moves on?" "I am nothing now cuz he was my everything for years" blah blah etc. I just have to let go and move on and work on me. I haven't ever really done that. That's another thing...
My sense of identity. Before I was happy being alone and single. Cuz I wasn't really ever alone. I was 20-21 year old alcoholic partier who only cared about booze. Looking back at old entries i tried to make myself sound like a had it under control. And maybe I did. But around 2007 alcohol/weed took over my life. I didn't care who I was hanging out with as long as the alcohol was a-flowing. I was incredibly selfish. I was literally never alone or doing anything for just myself. Fast forward to 2009 the party year of my life. There was literally a group of 20-60 of us that partied constantly. It kept me fulfilled, it made me happy. I felt like I had a place to belong and found my niche, one that consisted of endless pool parties dart tournaments and drunken talks. Which was very fun. But it's fleeting. Then I got in to said above relationship and well that sealed the deal on Laura development. I tied my whole identity in this relationship. At first we partied with everyone but then became hermits. Not gonna lie it did make me happy. We would stay up for hours, smoking, watching MJ videos, talking about everything and nothing, watching South Park. And that was my fulfillment. And the previous traits of me not finding inner self happiness took hold.... My identity was tied to him and i wasn't my own self. Just like before... I was a person in a sea of partiers. Not Laura loomis amazon woman. (Okay that was dumb) I've never been LLAW it turns out. My identity has always been tied to other people and what they like. Me and A broke up and here I am alone again. But that's the difference? I don't have that fail-proof 21 year old partier lifestyle to fall back on. Everyone else has moved on. Cuz they don't have horrible lets-not-progress-ourselves qualities that i do. So now I'm alone, single, still waiting tables on probation from school, with no safety net and no identity to attach myself to. See my dilemma? But see my silver lining? I am scared shitless and totally unsure of what path to take... But it's kinda freeing. I kinda feel 18 again heading up to Tx state. Like I am still young and can do anything, cuz even tho I have an identity crisis I'm still awesome and a hard ass worker. So I know I can accomplish my goals. I guess it's just a matter of doing it and where to start. I don't even know what my goals are anymore I've thought about doing so much. I have a few avenues I want to explore and think it would be kick ass but I'm not gonna say anything yet and jinx myself. I just need to stop being lazy and do it!! Now is my time. God has put me at a somewhat rock-bottom to allow me to climb out and grow and find my own way without anyone else's opinions swaying me. Wow. See writing really does make my thoughts super more coherent. It made me teary-eyed writing that. So basically I feel depressed and alone and unsure but it's kinda an awesome place to be. Like my fave quote/tattoo: "it's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything". Especially when I make baby steps in the right directions. Even something as simple as making a pot of coffee this morning... That's actually a big deal for me. And those little wins make me happy and I see I can be happy by myself. I really don't need a man. Especially given my identity track record. I need to find myself and hopefully the right guy will be interested. But I'm so damn weird no one will ever probably get close to me again haha. But atleast ill have my identity and can make my own awesome company! And I have gizmo. He's all I need.
Well this was kinda long and I actually wanna write more but will prob later. I'd like to make this a morning ritual. It's very therapeutic. And I don't plan on being so vague all the time ill give details and stuff. I just had to dip my toesies back in this journal world. :) it felt good.
Posted via m.livejournal.com.