Maybe I am an idiot? So what
I love my mom sooooooo much. I really do, but I CAN NOT live with her. All the criticism and talking down to me just eat at me. It's played a major role in my poor self-esteem. My best self-esteem was in the years I haven't lived with her where I've been on my own and done my own thing. I mean, she tries to control everything I do.
I can make a list of all the things she says to me on a regular basis. My looks, my hair, my house, the way I take care of Jordan, the way I walk, talk. Everything I do annoys her. The jokes I make are stupid, I swear too much, I need medication, have I always been this mental?
I can't take it! I really can't. If I had a therapist he/she'd probably tell me to stand up for myself, but every time I try to my mom and step-dad always just say how "crazy" I am and how "bi-polar" I am. I have severe mood changes and that's why I can't decide on anything, or so they say.
I've had a lot to think about recently and I feel I've made the right decision for now. I keep saying "You gotta think of your future" but my mom wants me to live with her FOREVER. Seriously, she talked about buying a new house with a guest house for me to live in. WTF? So I can be monitored and told what to do every day?
I waited a long time to be able to do what I want.
My mom told me when I was pregnant at one of my doctor's appointments that if she saw me getting another Tattoo or dying my hair she'd stop coming to see me and went on to tell me how "weird" and "trashy" I was. At my fucking doctor's appointment. I LOVED my doctor visits, they were how I felt connected to Jordan even more and she had me in tears.
My mom wants the best for me, she loves me. I keep telling myself that. But I can't live with her.
I'd rather go to school the way I want to than throw everything away, including my relationship.
I did feel extreme pressure to break up with Travis. I love him and I love being with him and I lost track of that. I know I'm indecisive. I thought I could throw it all away for school. I thought I could, but then I just get angry thinking that I have to make this decision. Travis isn't bad, my parents just don't like him because he doesn't make a lot of money, but he's only 21!
Every week, sometimes more than once, I'm asked what we're doing to make more money and what Travis has decided to do. For once I wish they would call just to talk and see how I'm doing. And let me talk w/o my mom saying what I'm doing it stupid.
I never want to make Jordan feel inadequate or stupid. I never want to make her feel like she's not good enough.
Finding out what you want in life that will truly make you happy is hard.But when i think of "happiness" I think of living in a house somewhat in the country, with my children running around all cute playing in the tire swing. I can see me sipping lemonade on my porch swing catching fireflies in the evening and listening to rain fall as I wait for Travis to get home from work. I can see myself old and baking cookies with a kitchen full of my grandchildren. If I can get that much out of life I will feel like a millionaire.
On to better things! Brandy had her 3rd little boy early this morning! His name is Wilson Jack Tangman. They were going to name him Wiley Jack, which I liked a lot but Wilson is good too. It doesn't matter they're going to call him Jack. 7 lbs 7.6oz 20 inches long. I don't know what time but Margaret updated facebook about the new 6 hours ago so I guess 5am? Oh wait they're in California so 3am? Doesn't matter, he's healthy and happy I'm sure. Yay! Travis's 4th cousin! Haha I'm so excited for her to have a big family because I never did and I always felt like I was missing out.
I discovered this band called Silversun Pickups and they're awesome. Omg and don't tell anyone but I really like Miley Cyrus's The Climb.
Since I've "decided to live in poverty" like my mom so nicely stated, I've decided I want to move and I found the PERFECT apartment. 550/month 1200SF which is ridiculous, our apartment now is 700-800. At only 550? The thing is they don't have people move out much so there's a waiting list and you have to pay the 400$ deposit to get put on the waiting list. So I'm trying to get a means of saving that up, and if I can't there's always tax season! Plus Travis only has 6 more payments left on his loan which will be a great help. He pays about 140$ a month on it.
I just want a different lay out, my last apartment and this one have the same one and its' suffocating. I've nearly been here a year! And I need to move away from these crazies. People always getting effing stabbed or shooting heroine. No ma'am!
I could go on and on about this apartment but I won't, since I'm the queen of talking and not actually ever doing. hahhh
It's not even noon yet and I'm wondering what to do. I guess I could start on these US weekly mags my mom brought me.
I can make a list of all the things she says to me on a regular basis. My looks, my hair, my house, the way I take care of Jordan, the way I walk, talk. Everything I do annoys her. The jokes I make are stupid, I swear too much, I need medication, have I always been this mental?
I can't take it! I really can't. If I had a therapist he/she'd probably tell me to stand up for myself, but every time I try to my mom and step-dad always just say how "crazy" I am and how "bi-polar" I am. I have severe mood changes and that's why I can't decide on anything, or so they say.
I've had a lot to think about recently and I feel I've made the right decision for now. I keep saying "You gotta think of your future" but my mom wants me to live with her FOREVER. Seriously, she talked about buying a new house with a guest house for me to live in. WTF? So I can be monitored and told what to do every day?
I waited a long time to be able to do what I want.
My mom told me when I was pregnant at one of my doctor's appointments that if she saw me getting another Tattoo or dying my hair she'd stop coming to see me and went on to tell me how "weird" and "trashy" I was. At my fucking doctor's appointment. I LOVED my doctor visits, they were how I felt connected to Jordan even more and she had me in tears.
My mom wants the best for me, she loves me. I keep telling myself that. But I can't live with her.
I'd rather go to school the way I want to than throw everything away, including my relationship.
I did feel extreme pressure to break up with Travis. I love him and I love being with him and I lost track of that. I know I'm indecisive. I thought I could throw it all away for school. I thought I could, but then I just get angry thinking that I have to make this decision. Travis isn't bad, my parents just don't like him because he doesn't make a lot of money, but he's only 21!
Every week, sometimes more than once, I'm asked what we're doing to make more money and what Travis has decided to do. For once I wish they would call just to talk and see how I'm doing. And let me talk w/o my mom saying what I'm doing it stupid.
I never want to make Jordan feel inadequate or stupid. I never want to make her feel like she's not good enough.
Finding out what you want in life that will truly make you happy is hard.But when i think of "happiness" I think of living in a house somewhat in the country, with my children running around all cute playing in the tire swing. I can see me sipping lemonade on my porch swing catching fireflies in the evening and listening to rain fall as I wait for Travis to get home from work. I can see myself old and baking cookies with a kitchen full of my grandchildren. If I can get that much out of life I will feel like a millionaire.
On to better things! Brandy had her 3rd little boy early this morning! His name is Wilson Jack Tangman. They were going to name him Wiley Jack, which I liked a lot but Wilson is good too. It doesn't matter they're going to call him Jack. 7 lbs 7.6oz 20 inches long. I don't know what time but Margaret updated facebook about the new 6 hours ago so I guess 5am? Oh wait they're in California so 3am? Doesn't matter, he's healthy and happy I'm sure. Yay! Travis's 4th cousin! Haha I'm so excited for her to have a big family because I never did and I always felt like I was missing out.
I discovered this band called Silversun Pickups and they're awesome. Omg and don't tell anyone but I really like Miley Cyrus's The Climb.
Since I've "decided to live in poverty" like my mom so nicely stated, I've decided I want to move and I found the PERFECT apartment. 550/month 1200SF which is ridiculous, our apartment now is 700-800. At only 550? The thing is they don't have people move out much so there's a waiting list and you have to pay the 400$ deposit to get put on the waiting list. So I'm trying to get a means of saving that up, and if I can't there's always tax season! Plus Travis only has 6 more payments left on his loan which will be a great help. He pays about 140$ a month on it.
I just want a different lay out, my last apartment and this one have the same one and its' suffocating. I've nearly been here a year! And I need to move away from these crazies. People always getting effing stabbed or shooting heroine. No ma'am!
I could go on and on about this apartment but I won't, since I'm the queen of talking and not actually ever doing. hahhh
It's not even noon yet and I'm wondering what to do. I guess I could start on these US weekly mags my mom brought me.