greatness is a ghost
so, something early on that i realized about texas, right? it rains alot. i mean, there is a lot of chaotic weather. above all really, it's just hot.
i always feel stuffy.
today i am just about fed up with my own self-defeating mentality. i think it's so interesting that i have given myself the ability to manifest the things i want and yet i fail to fine-tune those experiences into the person I AM, and not the person i WAS. it feels so BPD, like the 'other' me is carrying out my wishes for HER, when isn't it supposed to be me in the driver's seat here?
it's very hard to tell NOW when the moment is, it's hard not to think that you might be making a terrible mistake when you're in the middle of said mistake.
what i do know though, is that there is no true place for me to carry on in TX as i have been carrying on in OH. I can't spend rainy days with nothing on my plate but liquor and regret. it's almost as if the sunshine does not allow for it. the drinks feel different. the music doesn't quite hit the same. why would it? when i got there, i was 25.
they say that's the last step of youth, you know. maybe that's what this is, at 26 i am just fed up with 25 year old me's antics. its not working. it doesn't feel as good.
there's so many things that i need to confront that i still feel like i'm unable to and even that is impossible isn't it because what did i go through all of those experiences for if i refused to learn from them?
what does it mean that my stance has hardly changed? am i just being dense, or at 26 is this just who i am and i can no longer bend my own will?
i wonder if there's a reason to all of this. i know that meaning of life and purpose fulfilling shit is just cap but, i can't help but apply that to myself because i want my life to mean something. i want to make the right decision. i want to do the right thing. so...why?
why does it seem like the things that i want to do aren't right? and why does it seem like the right things are now things i can no longer handle anymore?