1st PPC Mission!
“Fine. Disguises?”“Generic normal people with a few oddly placed straps?"
“Uh… well, that shouldn’t be too out of place, I guess.” A few moments of clicking later, the two agents stepped through the shimmering blue portal into some utter Generic Surface.
“Hey, Roxi! Can I play Kingdom Hearts?” a girl asked her roommate.
Caitlyn, hiding behind some of the Generic Surface and praying the SEP field would hold, blinked. “It’s a single-player game… why would you play it while hanging out with someone?”
“They’re roommates,” Kimmie offered. “Maybe it doesn’t count as social and she’s just asking to be polite?”
Caitlyn shrugged. “Well, charge for being called ‘Roxi’ anyway.” She scanned the Words. “No name is spelled R-o-x-i.:
“Also, it’s similar to Roxas.”
“True. Two charges in one sentence.”
“One word. Jesus.”
"I don't know, Kym. CAN you?" the other girl, whose name was Roxi, said.
"OK. MAY I play Kingdom Hearts?" the first girl, named Kym, said.
The agents blinked, almost in unison.
“How many charges is that?” Caitlyn demanded. “Abuse of capslock, gratuitous Y’s -”
“You have a Y in your name,” Kimmie pointed out, scribbling.
“That’s different! It’s a perfectly legitimate spelling of the name Caitlyn! There is no legitimate spelling of Kim that contains a Y!”
“Relax already. We don’t need any excess punctuation flying around.”
“Shut up.” Caitlyn turned her back to her partner, then had to crane her head into a very peculiar angle to add, “Also, we have to call the Department of Redundancy Department when we get back."
“Gotcha.” During the squabbling, the fic had continued somewhat. The narrative informed them that Kym had left the room to get a drink of water (as the fic did nothing to indicate when she had left or when she had been in the room in the first place, Kimmie jotted down “tense abuse” and “possibly being one of the Auditors of Reality”) and Roxi had turned on the console.
Kym came back in. She tripped over the cord, spilling her water all over the PS2. Colorful sparks started shooting from the game console.
“Is that a normal reaction for a suddenly-soaked gaming console?” Caitlyn hissed.
“No way in hell.”
“Charge.”
"Duh.
"OMG! ROXI! LOOK AT THE TV!" Kym screamed, pointing to a swirling portal-type thingy that had taken over the screen.
“Chatspeak in normal conversation, further abuse of capslock, use of the word ‘thingy’ in third-person description, inexplicable portals -”
“Gotcha.”
"Poke it with a stick," Roxi whispered. Kym picked up a stick and poked the TV with it twice.
“What on earth? Idiotic reactions, idiotic ideas, abuse of malletspace -”
"I gotcha.”
The glass burst and Kym and Roxi were sucked into the portal-thingy.
“Inexplicably bursting glass, sheer idiocy, deus ex machina - well, technically, portalus ex Playstation -” Caitlyn ranted as the Sues’ yells echoed back through the portal.
“I got - never, ever try to make up Latin again, you got that?”
“Shut up. We’re not using that portal, are we?”
“Hell no, I don’t trust it.”
“Okay, then, start up a portal,” Caitlyn ordered.
“You’re the one with the Remote Activator, remember?”
“Oh. Uh, if you hadn’t been distracting me, then -”
“Damn, I need a beer,” Kimmie interrupted.
“You had one right before we left!”
“Well, I need another beer!”
“Alcoholic!”
“Well, they can repair my liver if anything happens.”
“And your brain cells?”
“This fic is doing at least as much damage to my brain cells as a beer, and it doesn’t get me drunk."
By this time, Caitlyn had gotten the Remote Activator to produce a decent portal to the newly Sue-infested Destiny Islands. Once there, it appeared that the girls had figured out where they were and were charging towards a silver-haired boy.
“What part of the timeline is this, anyway?” Kimmie asked, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear and poking her head around the tree that they’d materialized behind.
“Well, the only PS2 game that let you play on the Islands was the first one, so I’d say this is the very beginning, but charge for not specifying.”
“Gotcha. Also, molesting a canon character.”
“Already?”
“Yes. We should probably get closer.” The girls crept along the sand, arriving just in time to overhear Riku casually telling his attackers he was fine.
“Making Riku ridiculously calm about being molested by two randomly appearing strangers -”
“Already writing it, Caitlyn.”
"Let's go find Sora!" Roxi said, quickly losing interest in Riku.
“Having the attention span of a goldfish -”
“Already writing it.”
Will the fangirls find Sora? Will Riku run away before they remember he exists? What'll happen to Kairi? Stay tuned!
“In-text authors’ notes, not even marked -”
“I see ‘em.”
“Well, fine. Wait a second. What does she mean, what’ll happen to Kairi? Why should anything happen to Kairi?”
“I suspect we have Kairi-bashing incoming. Fu -”
“Kimmie!”
“ - un. Jesus.”
By this point, the next chapter title was scrolling through the Words. Krazy Kaira and Sorry Sora. The mini-Darkside popped into existence and had to be forcibly detached from Kimmie’s necklace. By the time that was over and they had caught up on the Sues, Kairi was foaming at the mouth. Literally, according to the words.
“What the hell did we miss?” Kimmie demanded.
"Riku! IS Sora hurt? Is he dead? I haven't seen him in HOURS!" Kairi yelled.
“Why would he be hurt? Since when is Kairi this neurotic?” Caitlyn demanded. “Right, badfic. Write that down, will you?"
“What, write down that it’s badfic?”
“No! Lack of logic -”
“Again? Oh, whatever. Anyway, I already got making Kairi insane and neurotic as well as the logical lack. And putting a K in ‘crazy’."
“Great, thanks. Uh, I mean - good, you should be.”
“Whatever. Crap, the Sues are taking off again.” The girls ran for the Seaside Shack.
“How do you even run in those heels?” Caitlyn demanded, stumbling over the sand.
“Practice!”
“Waste of time, if you ask me.”
“Whatever, just hurry up!”
“Wait, why don’t we just portal?” Caitlyn demanded.
Kimmie skidded to a halt and stared at her partner. “Why aren’t we portalling?”
“Because you didn’t think of it!”
“Well, you didn’t think of it till now!” the purple-haired girl squawked.
“But I did think of it!”
“Well - oh, whatever, get out the activator. You know, in real life these teenagers would probably be hiding some booze around here. Think we can find some?”
“If you cause any uncanonical booze to manifest I’m seriously going to shoot you,” Caitlyn snapped.
“I wasn’t going to cause any, I just wanted to know whether there might be any lying around.”
“Well, we don’t have time.” The portal blossomed into existence as Caitlyn spoke, and the two ran for it, arriving just in time to see the Sues staring at a treed Sora.
“Did they chase him up there?” Caitlyn asked, skimming the Words. Face met palm a moment later. “Oh, please no.”
"So… very… high…" Sora whimpered, a clear tone of fear in his voice. Kym shook her head in disgust. The agents mirrored her actions, although less at Sora.
“I’m already charging for making Sora scared of heights, so don’t say it,” Kimmie announced.
“Blaming Sora for the results of their actions -”
"And to think… we wanted to take him home as a pet," they heard Kym very audibly whispering.
“And charge for that too.”
“Not really fair,” Kimmie protested.
“What?”
“It’s really hard not to want to take him home with you, actually. We can’t charge for a normal reaction.”
“Seriously?”
“Yes. We’re talking spaniel puppy levels of cuteness here.”
“Oh, whatever.” An incredibly loud crack interrupted the debate.
“What the hell was that?!” Kimmie hissed. Caitlyn scanned the Words again.
“Roxi just karate-kicked the tree over in order to get Sora down.”
“What the fu -”
“Shush! We need to keep our attention on the fic. Oh, and charge for realizing that they’re throwing the canons out of character and not doing anything about it.”
“Huh?”
“They called him the newly wimpy Sora. They know exactly what they’re doing,” Caitlyn growled.
“Fu -”
“Will you please watch your language?”
“Fine - whoa, we’re almost out of fic.”
“We are? Shit! EVERYBODY STOP RIGHT THERE!”
“Wait a second!” Kimmie yelped into the ensuing frozen tableau. “Why do you get to swear? And didn’t we just charge for misusing capslock?”
“That was a totally justified use of it!”
“What’s going on here?” Riku demanded, somewhat to the surprise of the agents.
“Relax,” Caitlyn informed him, turning on her heel and trying not to strike a pose. “We are professionals. We’ll just take these ladies out of your hair for you now, if you’ll just hand them over.”
“Okay, we seriously need to talk methods later,” Kimmie grumbled, wading in and grabbing Kym by the back of her shirt. “Caitlyn, grab the mad karate girl.” The agent and Sue squawked in tandem, but Caitlyn complied. “Great, everybody - crap, who’s got the neuralyzer?”
“I have it.”
“Great. Show’s almost over, folks,” Kimmie called, covering her target’s eyes with one hand and using the other to prod the Sue’s ribs with a dagger. Caitlyn grabbed Roxi’s hair and forced her head towards the sand. Kimmie ordered, “Everybody look at the -”
“Hey! I’m the one holding the neuralyzer, I get to make the speech!” Caitlyn protested. “Everyone look at the light!” Flash. “Great. You never saw these girls, everything’s all right, just another normal day on the Destiny Islands -”
“And Kairi doesn’t have rabies, and Sora isn’t scared of heights -”
“Right, that. Okay, let’s move.”
“Agreed. Come on, missy.” The two agents dragged their prizes towards the beach, hoping the canons wouldn’t wander that way.
“Where are we going, anyway?” Kimmie asked.
“Uh - let’s portal them fifty fathoms under the ocean.”
“How deep is that?”
“Deep?”
“Very helpful. We’ll just hope it’s good enough.”
“Chargelist first!”
“I remember.” Kimmie dumped the squeaking Sue at her feet and planted one foot calmly on her stomach. “All right, ladies, we’ve got misleading titles, considering two people an invasion, having a name very similar to a canon character’s in Roxi’s case, misuse of Y’s in Kym’s case, repeated abuse of capslock, tense abuse, possibly being one of the Auditors of Reality, creation of mutant gaming consoles, creation of random portals, repeated counts of stupidity, chatspeak in normal speech, use of the word ‘thingy’ in casual conversation, abuse of malletspace to randomly manifest sticks, causing a PPC agent to fail horribly at making up Latin -”
“Hey!”
“Repeatedly causing PPC agents to seriously need booze, failing to specify a point in the timeline, molesting a canon character, causing said canon character, who incidentally has enough on his plate without being molested, to be very calm about said molestation, having an attention span that would try the patience of a goldfish, unmarked in-text author’s notes, placing a K in ‘crazy’, creating the mini-Darkside Kaira, making Kairi inexplicably insane, neurotic and possibly rabid, making Sora OOC and afraid of heights, complaining about Sora being OOC as a result of your actions, being aware that Sora is OOC and not caring, thinking that knocking down a tree is a safe way to get someone out of said tree - although that might actually be fun - successfully karate-kicking a tree over in the case of Roxi, causing a PPC agent to spout an unimaginably long run-on sentence, and being a couple of irritating Mary Sues. Technically. The penalty is death.” Kimmie stuck the paper back in her belt and reached for the portal.
“I got it,” Caitlyn announced, gesturing at the glowing blue doorway.
“How did you get the Remote Activator?”
“You dropped it while you were catching Kym.”
“Oh.”
“Well, shove ‘em on through?”
“You betcha!”
“Wait, you can’t do this!” Kym protested.
“Watch us, honey.” Kimmie hauled her up, ignoring her squirming, and shoved her through the portal with a boot to the behind for good measure.
“Don’t you dare do this!” Roxi yelped to Caitlyn. The former Sue, looking remarkably grim, wrestled the current Sue’s arm behind her back and shoved her forward. Somehow, she managed to make a splash.
“Nice work, sis,” Kimmie offered. Her partner grinned at her briefly; then Kimmie watched her face shut down.
“My name is Caitlyn, not sis.” She scowled at the Remote Activator and started setting it for PPC HQ. Kimmie sighed and focused on the promise of some of that beer. Possibly Bleepbeer, in fact, to take off the edge.
They stepped into the RC, and Caitlyn, without a word, crossed to the mini-fridge and tossed Kimmie a Bleepbeer. Kimmie blinked for several moments.
"Thanks."
"Whatever."
Kimmie sighed and uncorked the bottle as fast as she could.
“Uh… well, that shouldn’t be too out of place, I guess.” A few moments of clicking later, the two agents stepped through the shimmering blue portal into some utter Generic Surface.
“Hey, Roxi! Can I play Kingdom Hearts?” a girl asked her roommate.
Caitlyn, hiding behind some of the Generic Surface and praying the SEP field would hold, blinked. “It’s a single-player game… why would you play it while hanging out with someone?”
“They’re roommates,” Kimmie offered. “Maybe it doesn’t count as social and she’s just asking to be polite?”
Caitlyn shrugged. “Well, charge for being called ‘Roxi’ anyway.” She scanned the Words. “No name is spelled R-o-x-i.:
“Also, it’s similar to Roxas.”
“True. Two charges in one sentence.”
“One word. Jesus.”
"I don't know, Kym. CAN you?" the other girl, whose name was Roxi, said.
"OK. MAY I play Kingdom Hearts?" the first girl, named Kym, said.
The agents blinked, almost in unison.
“How many charges is that?” Caitlyn demanded. “Abuse of capslock, gratuitous Y’s -”
“You have a Y in your name,” Kimmie pointed out, scribbling.
“That’s different! It’s a perfectly legitimate spelling of the name Caitlyn! There is no legitimate spelling of Kim that contains a Y!”
“Relax already. We don’t need any excess punctuation flying around.”
“Shut up.” Caitlyn turned her back to her partner, then had to crane her head into a very peculiar angle to add, “Also, we have to call the Department of Redundancy Department when we get back."
“Gotcha.” During the squabbling, the fic had continued somewhat. The narrative informed them that Kym had left the room to get a drink of water (as the fic did nothing to indicate when she had left or when she had been in the room in the first place, Kimmie jotted down “tense abuse” and “possibly being one of the Auditors of Reality”) and Roxi had turned on the console.
Kym came back in. She tripped over the cord, spilling her water all over the PS2. Colorful sparks started shooting from the game console.
“Is that a normal reaction for a suddenly-soaked gaming console?” Caitlyn hissed.
“No way in hell.”
“Charge.”
"Duh.
"OMG! ROXI! LOOK AT THE TV!" Kym screamed, pointing to a swirling portal-type thingy that had taken over the screen.
“Chatspeak in normal conversation, further abuse of capslock, use of the word ‘thingy’ in third-person description, inexplicable portals -”
“Gotcha.”
"Poke it with a stick," Roxi whispered. Kym picked up a stick and poked the TV with it twice.
“What on earth? Idiotic reactions, idiotic ideas, abuse of malletspace -”
"I gotcha.”
The glass burst and Kym and Roxi were sucked into the portal-thingy.
“Inexplicably bursting glass, sheer idiocy, deus ex machina - well, technically, portalus ex Playstation -” Caitlyn ranted as the Sues’ yells echoed back through the portal.
“I got - never, ever try to make up Latin again, you got that?”
“Shut up. We’re not using that portal, are we?”
“Hell no, I don’t trust it.”
“Okay, then, start up a portal,” Caitlyn ordered.
“You’re the one with the Remote Activator, remember?”
“Oh. Uh, if you hadn’t been distracting me, then -”
“Damn, I need a beer,” Kimmie interrupted.
“You had one right before we left!”
“Well, I need another beer!”
“Alcoholic!”
“Well, they can repair my liver if anything happens.”
“And your brain cells?”
“This fic is doing at least as much damage to my brain cells as a beer, and it doesn’t get me drunk."
By this time, Caitlyn had gotten the Remote Activator to produce a decent portal to the newly Sue-infested Destiny Islands. Once there, it appeared that the girls had figured out where they were and were charging towards a silver-haired boy.
“What part of the timeline is this, anyway?” Kimmie asked, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear and poking her head around the tree that they’d materialized behind.
“Well, the only PS2 game that let you play on the Islands was the first one, so I’d say this is the very beginning, but charge for not specifying.”
“Gotcha. Also, molesting a canon character.”
“Already?”
“Yes. We should probably get closer.” The girls crept along the sand, arriving just in time to overhear Riku casually telling his attackers he was fine.
“Making Riku ridiculously calm about being molested by two randomly appearing strangers -”
“Already writing it, Caitlyn.”
"Let's go find Sora!" Roxi said, quickly losing interest in Riku.
“Having the attention span of a goldfish -”
“Already writing it.”
Will the fangirls find Sora? Will Riku run away before they remember he exists? What'll happen to Kairi? Stay tuned!
“In-text authors’ notes, not even marked -”
“I see ‘em.”
“Well, fine. Wait a second. What does she mean, what’ll happen to Kairi? Why should anything happen to Kairi?”
“I suspect we have Kairi-bashing incoming. Fu -”
“Kimmie!”
“ - un. Jesus.”
By this point, the next chapter title was scrolling through the Words. Krazy Kaira and Sorry Sora. The mini-Darkside popped into existence and had to be forcibly detached from Kimmie’s necklace. By the time that was over and they had caught up on the Sues, Kairi was foaming at the mouth. Literally, according to the words.
“What the hell did we miss?” Kimmie demanded.
"Riku! IS Sora hurt? Is he dead? I haven't seen him in HOURS!" Kairi yelled.
“Why would he be hurt? Since when is Kairi this neurotic?” Caitlyn demanded. “Right, badfic. Write that down, will you?"
“What, write down that it’s badfic?”
“No! Lack of logic -”
“Again? Oh, whatever. Anyway, I already got making Kairi insane and neurotic as well as the logical lack. And putting a K in ‘crazy’."
“Great, thanks. Uh, I mean - good, you should be.”
“Whatever. Crap, the Sues are taking off again.” The girls ran for the Seaside Shack.
“How do you even run in those heels?” Caitlyn demanded, stumbling over the sand.
“Practice!”
“Waste of time, if you ask me.”
“Whatever, just hurry up!”
“Wait, why don’t we just portal?” Caitlyn demanded.
Kimmie skidded to a halt and stared at her partner. “Why aren’t we portalling?”
“Because you didn’t think of it!”
“Well, you didn’t think of it till now!” the purple-haired girl squawked.
“But I did think of it!”
“Well - oh, whatever, get out the activator. You know, in real life these teenagers would probably be hiding some booze around here. Think we can find some?”
“If you cause any uncanonical booze to manifest I’m seriously going to shoot you,” Caitlyn snapped.
“I wasn’t going to cause any, I just wanted to know whether there might be any lying around.”
“Well, we don’t have time.” The portal blossomed into existence as Caitlyn spoke, and the two ran for it, arriving just in time to see the Sues staring at a treed Sora.
“Did they chase him up there?” Caitlyn asked, skimming the Words. Face met palm a moment later. “Oh, please no.”
"So… very… high…" Sora whimpered, a clear tone of fear in his voice. Kym shook her head in disgust. The agents mirrored her actions, although less at Sora.
“I’m already charging for making Sora scared of heights, so don’t say it,” Kimmie announced.
“Blaming Sora for the results of their actions -”
"And to think… we wanted to take him home as a pet," they heard Kym very audibly whispering.
“And charge for that too.”
“Not really fair,” Kimmie protested.
“What?”
“It’s really hard not to want to take him home with you, actually. We can’t charge for a normal reaction.”
“Seriously?”
“Yes. We’re talking spaniel puppy levels of cuteness here.”
“Oh, whatever.” An incredibly loud crack interrupted the debate.
“What the hell was that?!” Kimmie hissed. Caitlyn scanned the Words again.
“Roxi just karate-kicked the tree over in order to get Sora down.”
“What the fu -”
“Shush! We need to keep our attention on the fic. Oh, and charge for realizing that they’re throwing the canons out of character and not doing anything about it.”
“Huh?”
“They called him the newly wimpy Sora. They know exactly what they’re doing,” Caitlyn growled.
“Fu -”
“Will you please watch your language?”
“Fine - whoa, we’re almost out of fic.”
“We are? Shit! EVERYBODY STOP RIGHT THERE!”
“Wait a second!” Kimmie yelped into the ensuing frozen tableau. “Why do you get to swear? And didn’t we just charge for misusing capslock?”
“That was a totally justified use of it!”
“What’s going on here?” Riku demanded, somewhat to the surprise of the agents.
“Relax,” Caitlyn informed him, turning on her heel and trying not to strike a pose. “We are professionals. We’ll just take these ladies out of your hair for you now, if you’ll just hand them over.”
“Okay, we seriously need to talk methods later,” Kimmie grumbled, wading in and grabbing Kym by the back of her shirt. “Caitlyn, grab the mad karate girl.” The agent and Sue squawked in tandem, but Caitlyn complied. “Great, everybody - crap, who’s got the neuralyzer?”
“I have it.”
“Great. Show’s almost over, folks,” Kimmie called, covering her target’s eyes with one hand and using the other to prod the Sue’s ribs with a dagger. Caitlyn grabbed Roxi’s hair and forced her head towards the sand. Kimmie ordered, “Everybody look at the -”
“Hey! I’m the one holding the neuralyzer, I get to make the speech!” Caitlyn protested. “Everyone look at the light!” Flash. “Great. You never saw these girls, everything’s all right, just another normal day on the Destiny Islands -”
“And Kairi doesn’t have rabies, and Sora isn’t scared of heights -”
“Right, that. Okay, let’s move.”
“Agreed. Come on, missy.” The two agents dragged their prizes towards the beach, hoping the canons wouldn’t wander that way.
“Where are we going, anyway?” Kimmie asked.
“Uh - let’s portal them fifty fathoms under the ocean.”
“How deep is that?”
“Deep?”
“Very helpful. We’ll just hope it’s good enough.”
“Chargelist first!”
“I remember.” Kimmie dumped the squeaking Sue at her feet and planted one foot calmly on her stomach. “All right, ladies, we’ve got misleading titles, considering two people an invasion, having a name very similar to a canon character’s in Roxi’s case, misuse of Y’s in Kym’s case, repeated abuse of capslock, tense abuse, possibly being one of the Auditors of Reality, creation of mutant gaming consoles, creation of random portals, repeated counts of stupidity, chatspeak in normal speech, use of the word ‘thingy’ in casual conversation, abuse of malletspace to randomly manifest sticks, causing a PPC agent to fail horribly at making up Latin -”
“Hey!”
“Repeatedly causing PPC agents to seriously need booze, failing to specify a point in the timeline, molesting a canon character, causing said canon character, who incidentally has enough on his plate without being molested, to be very calm about said molestation, having an attention span that would try the patience of a goldfish, unmarked in-text author’s notes, placing a K in ‘crazy’, creating the mini-Darkside Kaira, making Kairi inexplicably insane, neurotic and possibly rabid, making Sora OOC and afraid of heights, complaining about Sora being OOC as a result of your actions, being aware that Sora is OOC and not caring, thinking that knocking down a tree is a safe way to get someone out of said tree - although that might actually be fun - successfully karate-kicking a tree over in the case of Roxi, causing a PPC agent to spout an unimaginably long run-on sentence, and being a couple of irritating Mary Sues. Technically. The penalty is death.” Kimmie stuck the paper back in her belt and reached for the portal.
“I got it,” Caitlyn announced, gesturing at the glowing blue doorway.
“How did you get the Remote Activator?”
“You dropped it while you were catching Kym.”
“Oh.”
“Well, shove ‘em on through?”
“You betcha!”
“Wait, you can’t do this!” Kym protested.
“Watch us, honey.” Kimmie hauled her up, ignoring her squirming, and shoved her through the portal with a boot to the behind for good measure.
“Don’t you dare do this!” Roxi yelped to Caitlyn. The former Sue, looking remarkably grim, wrestled the current Sue’s arm behind her back and shoved her forward. Somehow, she managed to make a splash.
“Nice work, sis,” Kimmie offered. Her partner grinned at her briefly; then Kimmie watched her face shut down.
“My name is Caitlyn, not sis.” She scowled at the Remote Activator and started setting it for PPC HQ. Kimmie sighed and focused on the promise of some of that beer. Possibly Bleepbeer, in fact, to take off the edge.
They stepped into the RC, and Caitlyn, without a word, crossed to the mini-fridge and tossed Kimmie a Bleepbeer. Kimmie blinked for several moments.
"Thanks."
"Whatever."
Kimmie sighed and uncorked the bottle as fast as she could.