... in which it's just a reading joke
More fic! Stocking-stuffer time, hurrah.
My Flatpoint, Tis Of Thee
(Strangers With Candy, um, C for 'as cracked as the show', for sparkofmyteens)
When Flatpoint High gained a new Political Science teacher, pretty much everybody was pleased. Well, except Mr Noblet and Mr Jellineck, who were more 'confused', but that was because they had been busy having sex behind the giant posterboard saying 'Flatpoint High Welcomes Our New Teacher' when the announcement had been made.
Nobody except the students was able to remember the new teacher's name - she was from India or somewhere, although according to Cherri Wolf she was Canadian - but everyone agreed that she worked way too hard. She actually set up and ran not one but two student voluntary organisations, marked homework on time, and most disturbingly of all, knew what a lesson plan was.
Her third week there, she asked for permission to run a mock election. There would be students putting their names in as candidates for the various political parties, primaries, and then a mock inaurguration of their new President. Once he'd realised she wasn't actually attempting to overthrow the current administration, Principal Blackman had agreed. It would be an educational experience, opening young minds to the ways of the world.
Clearly, it had to be stopped.
"She wants to use my beloved watercolor box to actually paint with!" bitched Geoffrey. It was still warm weather outside, so the boiler room was cold and unused. (And, he feared, getting grease on his awesome new orange pants, but that was a risk he'd have to take.)
"She refused to let me in the general election!" screeched Chuck, pausing to pose dramatically and wipe a tear from his eye. "I mean... she's making us all look bad!"
Geoffrey looked at him. "Chuck, you only got two votes. And one was you."
"Weren't only students allowed to vote?" asked Principal Blackman.
"Shut up!" cried Chuck, and went to sulk in a corner underneath his 'Chuck Noblet For President' poster (which had 'vote faggot!' on it in bright red Jerri-Blank-style capitals).
"Come on, Chuck," said Geoffrey, waving a cookie at him to tempt him out. "We have to find a way to get rid of her!"
"He's right!" said Blackman. "We have to find a way to beat her like Napoleon beat the British at Waterloo, before we're exiled to a small island." He paused, thoughtfully. "Hmm... a small island... doesn't sound bad." He got out a personal dictaphone and spoke into it. "Note, get myself exiled to a small island." He turned it off, and looked expectantly around at his staff, who were sitting on stools and various bits of strange boiler-related machinery in a rough circle. "Come on now, people, what've we got?"
"Feed her to cougars?" suggested Geoffrey after a while.
"... feed her to the students?" said Chuck, from under his poster.
"Sell her to the circus?" said Cherri.
"No!" said Blackman. "Not after that last time with the trapeze-artist midget. We need something more scheming, more... pointlessly nefarious."
"I know," said Iris Puffybush slowly and carefully. "How about fixing the election so the winner is someone so terrible, so soul-destroyingly ludicrous she'll give up and move away?"
And that was how, at the end of two weeks, Jerri Blank was crowned President of Flatpoint. She smacked her brother Derrick over the head with the bible, cackled, and ran up and down the stage yelling, "Suckers!" The new teacher was found crying in the girls toilets before running off, never to be seen again. Immediately after, Principal Blackman made a moving speech about democracy returning to Flatpoint. And Chuck and Geoffrey went and celebrated having the boiler room to themselves again by having lots of sex.
My Flatpoint, Tis Of Thee
(Strangers With Candy, um, C for 'as cracked as the show', for sparkofmyteens)
When Flatpoint High gained a new Political Science teacher, pretty much everybody was pleased. Well, except Mr Noblet and Mr Jellineck, who were more 'confused', but that was because they had been busy having sex behind the giant posterboard saying 'Flatpoint High Welcomes Our New Teacher' when the announcement had been made.
Nobody except the students was able to remember the new teacher's name - she was from India or somewhere, although according to Cherri Wolf she was Canadian - but everyone agreed that she worked way too hard. She actually set up and ran not one but two student voluntary organisations, marked homework on time, and most disturbingly of all, knew what a lesson plan was.
Her third week there, she asked for permission to run a mock election. There would be students putting their names in as candidates for the various political parties, primaries, and then a mock inaurguration of their new President. Once he'd realised she wasn't actually attempting to overthrow the current administration, Principal Blackman had agreed. It would be an educational experience, opening young minds to the ways of the world.
Clearly, it had to be stopped.
"She wants to use my beloved watercolor box to actually paint with!" bitched Geoffrey. It was still warm weather outside, so the boiler room was cold and unused. (And, he feared, getting grease on his awesome new orange pants, but that was a risk he'd have to take.)
"She refused to let me in the general election!" screeched Chuck, pausing to pose dramatically and wipe a tear from his eye. "I mean... she's making us all look bad!"
Geoffrey looked at him. "Chuck, you only got two votes. And one was you."
"Weren't only students allowed to vote?" asked Principal Blackman.
"Shut up!" cried Chuck, and went to sulk in a corner underneath his 'Chuck Noblet For President' poster (which had 'vote faggot!' on it in bright red Jerri-Blank-style capitals).
"Come on, Chuck," said Geoffrey, waving a cookie at him to tempt him out. "We have to find a way to get rid of her!"
"He's right!" said Blackman. "We have to find a way to beat her like Napoleon beat the British at Waterloo, before we're exiled to a small island." He paused, thoughtfully. "Hmm... a small island... doesn't sound bad." He got out a personal dictaphone and spoke into it. "Note, get myself exiled to a small island." He turned it off, and looked expectantly around at his staff, who were sitting on stools and various bits of strange boiler-related machinery in a rough circle. "Come on now, people, what've we got?"
"Feed her to cougars?" suggested Geoffrey after a while.
"... feed her to the students?" said Chuck, from under his poster.
"Sell her to the circus?" said Cherri.
"No!" said Blackman. "Not after that last time with the trapeze-artist midget. We need something more scheming, more... pointlessly nefarious."
"I know," said Iris Puffybush slowly and carefully. "How about fixing the election so the winner is someone so terrible, so soul-destroyingly ludicrous she'll give up and move away?"
And that was how, at the end of two weeks, Jerri Blank was crowned President of Flatpoint. She smacked her brother Derrick over the head with the bible, cackled, and ran up and down the stage yelling, "Suckers!" The new teacher was found crying in the girls toilets before running off, never to be seen again. Immediately after, Principal Blackman made a moving speech about democracy returning to Flatpoint. And Chuck and Geoffrey went and celebrated having the boiler room to themselves again by having lots of sex.