Lost...
I'm feeling a little lost today.. more so that something or someone is vacant from my life.. I always had a picture of how my life would be now.. and it just isn't the life i am living now.. I really want the poly family life.. I want it for my kids so i know they are taken care of but i also want it for me.. not just sexually but for companionship.. I NEED that so badly in my life..
I thought I was going to have it a few months ago.. someone i loved when i was a teen came back in to my life and it was nice at first but I struggled to get him to see me.. and when he did he just showed up.. I'm not one for surprises.. not like that.. not when pain rules my life.. in the end he asked me to leave my Kumo.. and i said no.. he promises me he would never ever ask me that and he broke that promise.. he broke a lot of them.. like coming to see me once a week.. the last time i saw him was almost 2 month before he asked me to leave Kumo.. why would i leave Kumo for someone who can't find a way to see me.. and fine.. i know he worked out of town but he still came back on weekends.. and yes he worked friday and saturday evenings.. but all i asked was for one sunday a month.. and on weeks he was in town to see me one day.. I am still angry and hurt and really miss him to.. which is purely ridiculous..
I just want a happy life where i am loved and where i don't feel lonely anymore.. I miss feeling passion.. I miss real conversations.. I miss a lot.. I miss intelectual stimulation.. even a little .. ok a lot of geek talk.. I miss being around people who think and do big.. I miss talking and listening to people who talked outside of the box..
I just.. feel.. lost...