wondering..
I've always wandered what it would be like to be seen as beautiful.. not eh.. ok looking.. not cute.. not pretty.. but to be seen.. just once as beautiful.. and not being told I'm beautiful because that is what someone says to shut me up.. I mean someone looking at me.. tears in their eyes love and adoration because i am so beautiful to them and they feel so much joy that i exist in their life the tears flow..
I know it happens.. just not to damaged ones like me... I get the flirting and then when i really feel for someone i get told I'm being too clingy or that even though they flirted they were only seeing me as a friend.. or i am told I live to far away.. or that i put no effort forth to see them.. I'm home bound I get out maybe once a month.. if i am lucky twice I have no escape.. I have no way to leave my house except with Kumo.. I have my kids with me 24/7.. my kids are my job and i don't get paid one red cent to do it.. no breaks.. no vacation.. my little piece of a break is when i am lucky enough to have someone to visit me.. and no it doesn't happen much at all.. blue moons happen more frequently... and yet I guess I'm supposed to hike to see someone and abandon my kids.. I guess I am a freak of nature because I love my kids.. because i don't see my kids as trash like i was seen as trash..
for once i wanna be seen as worth it.. worth the drive.. worth the time.. even if it is just sitting and watching the kids act silly and talking.. I haven't had a real conversation with someone is so damn long.. and i don't mean typing.. i mean... talking.. other people are worth it.. why not me.. i just don't understand it... what is so in-attractive about me?