"oooh you make me live now honey (you're my best friend)"
I wish i had some control over my moods and the things i think lately. i seem to be really happy one minute then furious over some small thing the next and about ready to burst into tears in between every other possible emotion. This hasnt been such a problem at home but here i cant seem to stop losing my temper (not in front of anyone, just internally) or feeling like crying.
It also doesnt help that people keep reminding me i'm in japan when i tell them i feel a little down. "yeah i was a little homesick this week i miss suzanne/jack/gus/caro etc." "BUT YOURE IN JAPAAAAN!" I fucking know i'm in japan, i'm not retarded. I booked the flight, packed, got on the aeroplane, met japanese people and live in a japanese apartment. i eat nothing but japanese food. I hear nothing but japanese. Of course i'm in fucking japan you idiot. And NO i dont regret coming here, theres no way you could make me leave at this point, i just wish i had the said people here to be close to and talk to when i need them.
Life is actually pretty good here and i feel a kind of monotonous contentment which is fine by me, its just that there seems to be a massive hole that i can't fill no matter how many nice people i meet. Plus my bf living about 2 hours away (by plane and about 3 trains) also sucks massive hairy balls and a small part of me wonders how long we can keep this going, specially since i dont even know what i want to do when the contract is up, go home, renew and stay another year?
I know it seems really cool that im here and everything, and in some ways it is, but it sucks that doing the things i do at home to relax becomes stressful here. Mindless window shopping has become an exercise in tension building as salesgirls CONSTANTLY approach you to try a hard sell (in japanese :/ good luck ladies), wait and call outside the changeroom for you then tell you that anything is "kawaii" even if its too tight or looks dreadful. Not to mention the chorus of "irashi masen"s that get louder and louder til theyre drowning out any other noise in a 10 kilometre radius.
Then of course theres the socialising... going out drinking becomes almost like having a class, as you speak slower and slower about boring "safe" topics until you run out of fodder and "see you next time". Going out with native english speakers can be fun but again, theyre not my close friends who know me well and who i know, with all the good AND bad bits that i love. Plus it makes me feel like a jerk to come to japan then want to hang out solely with caucs. It's just that i dont have energy left at the end of the day to make polite conversation.
I did actually have a nice time with some other eng teachers and yoko and sugako today, altho for some reason i was really dizzy and nearly fainted once or twice on the way to harajuku. I probably shouldntve stayed up so late last night, also i hadnt really eaten anything much because of worrying about something, so the combination wasn't good.
anyway this rant has made me feel somewhat calmer, sorry i hate to do the emo posts but this was extremely necessary since its been difficult to put into words all of these things, specially somewhere like messenger, where a so-called "conversation" is just an abbreviation of all the things you want to say with 5-10 minute gaps stuck in between.
All is well really, tho i could do with a massage! :)
It also doesnt help that people keep reminding me i'm in japan when i tell them i feel a little down. "yeah i was a little homesick this week i miss suzanne/jack/gus/caro etc." "BUT YOURE IN JAPAAAAN!" I fucking know i'm in japan, i'm not retarded. I booked the flight, packed, got on the aeroplane, met japanese people and live in a japanese apartment. i eat nothing but japanese food. I hear nothing but japanese. Of course i'm in fucking japan you idiot. And NO i dont regret coming here, theres no way you could make me leave at this point, i just wish i had the said people here to be close to and talk to when i need them.
Life is actually pretty good here and i feel a kind of monotonous contentment which is fine by me, its just that there seems to be a massive hole that i can't fill no matter how many nice people i meet. Plus my bf living about 2 hours away (by plane and about 3 trains) also sucks massive hairy balls and a small part of me wonders how long we can keep this going, specially since i dont even know what i want to do when the contract is up, go home, renew and stay another year?
I know it seems really cool that im here and everything, and in some ways it is, but it sucks that doing the things i do at home to relax becomes stressful here. Mindless window shopping has become an exercise in tension building as salesgirls CONSTANTLY approach you to try a hard sell (in japanese :/ good luck ladies), wait and call outside the changeroom for you then tell you that anything is "kawaii" even if its too tight or looks dreadful. Not to mention the chorus of "irashi masen"s that get louder and louder til theyre drowning out any other noise in a 10 kilometre radius.
Then of course theres the socialising... going out drinking becomes almost like having a class, as you speak slower and slower about boring "safe" topics until you run out of fodder and "see you next time". Going out with native english speakers can be fun but again, theyre not my close friends who know me well and who i know, with all the good AND bad bits that i love. Plus it makes me feel like a jerk to come to japan then want to hang out solely with caucs. It's just that i dont have energy left at the end of the day to make polite conversation.
I did actually have a nice time with some other eng teachers and yoko and sugako today, altho for some reason i was really dizzy and nearly fainted once or twice on the way to harajuku. I probably shouldntve stayed up so late last night, also i hadnt really eaten anything much because of worrying about something, so the combination wasn't good.
anyway this rant has made me feel somewhat calmer, sorry i hate to do the emo posts but this was extremely necessary since its been difficult to put into words all of these things, specially somewhere like messenger, where a so-called "conversation" is just an abbreviation of all the things you want to say with 5-10 minute gaps stuck in between.
All is well really, tho i could do with a massage! :)