(no subject)

[soundofshovels]

The last few days have been the worst I can remember. As much as I don't want to be a part of anything to do with this shit, I want to with every ounce of energy I have. I want to constantly be there and do whatever it is she needs. I want to take all of this off her shoulders so she can just be a fucking teenager. She shouldn't have to honestly beleive that happiness is not for her. She shouldn't have to go through any of this. I wish that I weren't so childish in dealing with this shit. I wish that I didn't walk out on her the other day. I wish that she could beleive half of the shit I've said in the past few days. Part of me regrets everything. I know I couldn't stand to live without her, though, litterally. I need her. Yesterday all I could think about was suicide. I'm glad I have friends like Josh and Dave to kill that thought for me. I'm even more happy that she called me to tell me it was a bad idea. This entry obviously isn't for everyone. Really, it's for nobody but her. She probably won't read it until none of this is an issue anymore. It'll probably mean nothing. But it helps me to know what I even think about all of this, because lately, I just don't know anything anymore. I don't want to go to school more than ever. I can't stand to see her down again and not be able to talk to her about it. The one thing I want most right now is to help her, and to know I just have to sit there and wonder what's on her mind or what she's going to do tonight, and if she'll be alone and if she'll hurt herself or just what anymore... I just... it kills me. I wonder what'll happen if she has to move or change schools. Seems like a pretty big possibility right now, at least one or the other. If she doesn't move and does change schools, I don't see any reason why her mom wouldn't go that extra step and cut off all contact from me and possibly others. I wonder what It'd be like that, but honestly I can't think of it. And to try only makes me sad.

"Believe in me and I will beleive you
You're asking of me everything
So I'll give it all to you"