i am finally seeing well i was the one worth leaving
had another night of fitful sleeping. and had a strange hanson dream where i met them. i've had maybe 3 dreams all together that had hanson in it and this was just...odd. i think it's because i was thinking about Library Zac; mmm pretty.
it doesn't feel like it's 2004. it feels so, surreal. i can't believe that it will be a year since the fire. it's unfathomable. i just can't seem to wrap my mind around it. and i can actually see how much i changed, i can literally track my sorrow and my new identity from month to month. it's really interesting actually. in years before i used to have a bit of hope, maybe that this year would be good. or at least i'd have said happy new years. but i don't feel that way at all. because it doesn't feel like another year is here, it feels like another moment, another journal entry of emotions. stagnant, blank, and flatlined. i wish i could describe it better; but some emotions you can't explain and you can't experience unless you've been in certain situations.
i guess at least i know that when facing death i still survived.
i'm really angry, well....perturbed is a more accurate description with this whole social situation. i guess i'm just fed up with social conventions; i can't take it anymore. and it's not to say that i haven't met people that go past conventions and actually prove themselves to be something worthy of time or at least care...i have met people and i do have people i know that are like that.
but it's the fact that who you once knew would be someone that was worthy of your trust turns around and says, "yeah? well i lied about it." and smiles over you as they kick you down, that's what's been getting me.
usually i'm a pretty good judge of character; i guess i make more mistakes than i realize.
dad and i went to see LOTR last night. that'll be my 4th time. yes i know i'm a freak. each time i see it, it just keeps getting better and better; the more i find it amazing and well-done. any movie that can make me cry as hard as i did the first time i saw it, is obviously worthy of some recognition.
but what's so great is frodo's last monologues; for some reason they really ring true. i can relate to them, specifically the bit about "some hurts go too deep...you can't go back to the past".
t'is true. what an intelligent writer Tolkein was (and the screenplay writers as well).
meh. i guess it's time i go start writing. must accomplish something more than 5 pages.
it doesn't feel like it's 2004. it feels so, surreal. i can't believe that it will be a year since the fire. it's unfathomable. i just can't seem to wrap my mind around it. and i can actually see how much i changed, i can literally track my sorrow and my new identity from month to month. it's really interesting actually. in years before i used to have a bit of hope, maybe that this year would be good. or at least i'd have said happy new years. but i don't feel that way at all. because it doesn't feel like another year is here, it feels like another moment, another journal entry of emotions. stagnant, blank, and flatlined. i wish i could describe it better; but some emotions you can't explain and you can't experience unless you've been in certain situations.
i guess at least i know that when facing death i still survived.
i'm really angry, well....perturbed is a more accurate description with this whole social situation. i guess i'm just fed up with social conventions; i can't take it anymore. and it's not to say that i haven't met people that go past conventions and actually prove themselves to be something worthy of time or at least care...i have met people and i do have people i know that are like that.
but it's the fact that who you once knew would be someone that was worthy of your trust turns around and says, "yeah? well i lied about it." and smiles over you as they kick you down, that's what's been getting me.
usually i'm a pretty good judge of character; i guess i make more mistakes than i realize.
dad and i went to see LOTR last night. that'll be my 4th time. yes i know i'm a freak. each time i see it, it just keeps getting better and better; the more i find it amazing and well-done. any movie that can make me cry as hard as i did the first time i saw it, is obviously worthy of some recognition.
but what's so great is frodo's last monologues; for some reason they really ring true. i can relate to them, specifically the bit about "some hurts go too deep...you can't go back to the past".
t'is true. what an intelligent writer Tolkein was (and the screenplay writers as well).
meh. i guess it's time i go start writing. must accomplish something more than 5 pages.