via sidekick
Oh man.. Well.. I got into franklin! I leave from nyc on august 20. I have about 7 months to get ready, but I wanna start now! Lol. I am already thinking about my going away party sometime in the beginning of august and all the packing. I started applying for scholarships and doing that stuff this week too! Ahhh! Its crazy to think of everyone im going to leave behind and the fact im going to live in another country. It brings so many emotions and ughh... exciting and scary all rolled up into one large ball.
Lately I have actually been thinking me and tim may be able to just be friends because I haven't actually felt that "spark" or that butterfly tingly feeling.. Until tonight. I realized I am falling back in love with him. I say that.. Lightly I guess, because I believe that love is a 2 way street so in order to be in love u need to be loved back, but I do love him. Today I saw him at school, and it was so unreal to be able to sit next to him and say hey and just chit chat. I noticed he had started to grow in some facial hair.. Gahh.. It looked good, lol. But even at that time I didn't think there was the connection we used to have. There was comfort and fun but jusst wasn't sure I still had those feelings for him. Tonight I was laying in my bed reading a short story written by Richard Yates and listening to opera.. The story touched on a subject that me and tim had originally bonded over.. Divorce. All of a sudden I had a rush of emotions. Not only emotions about tim but emotions about my own parents divorce. As far as tim went, the butterflies were there again.. Thinking about his slow but steady way he moves his body. The way he blinks when he is serious and purses his lips together, his eyes narrow like he is really focusing. Its itense and sexy. And then how he is when he gets excited, his smile takes over, his eyes widen and seem to flutter. He uses his hands to act out whatever he is talking about and he begins to talk faster... ok, this is creepy that I know this. Lol! But its the things that make me smile I could go on about how he is when he listens to me, he just all around is a genuine guy... it hurts me to know that he is so close and wants to be back in my life but I can't allow it. I can't allow it, I love seeing his name call me.. I love hearing his voice.. But I think he needs to know. I love him a lot, but I also love myself, I can't let myself fall for him again if he is falling for someone else.
Tonight I went to dinner with my dad and sister. Some reason we talked about my mom and how she can be a very mean person. My dad told us he wants nothing to do with my mom. That really hurts me.. As much as I may seem to hate my mom at times, I love her. I know my mom still loves my dad, but because of who she is my dad doesn't love her. Its just such a strange thing to think about. I mean has my mom changed? Did my dad never love her? I don't get it.. It scares me. Sometimes I see myself doing things or acting just like my mom. What if that happens to me? What if someone who says they love me and I end up falling in love with and having children with and making a life with one day just wakes up and decides they don't love me. That's why it is sad that so many people get married so young. I mean all through out your life u are evolving into someone else. You have to love a person for their beliefs and for their character and the things that cause them to change. I want to find a person who loves me from stage 10 - 100... but I am willing to wait. I am willing to wait for that, because I think if I love myself I will be hapy and as long as I am happy myself I will be able to find someone who wants to add to my happiness and who I can add to theirs.
In love, bethy.
Lately I have actually been thinking me and tim may be able to just be friends because I haven't actually felt that "spark" or that butterfly tingly feeling.. Until tonight. I realized I am falling back in love with him. I say that.. Lightly I guess, because I believe that love is a 2 way street so in order to be in love u need to be loved back, but I do love him. Today I saw him at school, and it was so unreal to be able to sit next to him and say hey and just chit chat. I noticed he had started to grow in some facial hair.. Gahh.. It looked good, lol. But even at that time I didn't think there was the connection we used to have. There was comfort and fun but jusst wasn't sure I still had those feelings for him. Tonight I was laying in my bed reading a short story written by Richard Yates and listening to opera.. The story touched on a subject that me and tim had originally bonded over.. Divorce. All of a sudden I had a rush of emotions. Not only emotions about tim but emotions about my own parents divorce. As far as tim went, the butterflies were there again.. Thinking about his slow but steady way he moves his body. The way he blinks when he is serious and purses his lips together, his eyes narrow like he is really focusing. Its itense and sexy. And then how he is when he gets excited, his smile takes over, his eyes widen and seem to flutter. He uses his hands to act out whatever he is talking about and he begins to talk faster... ok, this is creepy that I know this. Lol! But its the things that make me smile I could go on about how he is when he listens to me, he just all around is a genuine guy... it hurts me to know that he is so close and wants to be back in my life but I can't allow it. I can't allow it, I love seeing his name call me.. I love hearing his voice.. But I think he needs to know. I love him a lot, but I also love myself, I can't let myself fall for him again if he is falling for someone else.
Tonight I went to dinner with my dad and sister. Some reason we talked about my mom and how she can be a very mean person. My dad told us he wants nothing to do with my mom. That really hurts me.. As much as I may seem to hate my mom at times, I love her. I know my mom still loves my dad, but because of who she is my dad doesn't love her. Its just such a strange thing to think about. I mean has my mom changed? Did my dad never love her? I don't get it.. It scares me. Sometimes I see myself doing things or acting just like my mom. What if that happens to me? What if someone who says they love me and I end up falling in love with and having children with and making a life with one day just wakes up and decides they don't love me. That's why it is sad that so many people get married so young. I mean all through out your life u are evolving into someone else. You have to love a person for their beliefs and for their character and the things that cause them to change. I want to find a person who loves me from stage 10 - 100... but I am willing to wait. I am willing to wait for that, because I think if I love myself I will be hapy and as long as I am happy myself I will be able to find someone who wants to add to my happiness and who I can add to theirs.
In love, bethy.