(no subject)
This has been a pretty weak trip compared to memory.
Speaking of memory, that's what got me on this subject in the first place...
To start off, I remembered how much my mind likes text in this state... So I opened up the largest text file I had readily available, a livejournal post/response from idalia from february 2004...
massive amounts of text..
maybe not the best idea, because one thing about that much writing is that, no matter how much fun it is to look at the patterns and the shapes they make, the words themselves hold a lot of meaning and you eventually just gotta see what those words are saying...
and yea, through a lot of this trip, i have been going back through that time anyways...
which is very funny.
that whole huge post i had written back then was all about how much i disliked something about being at UNF... and how much i just wanted to be back in miami, with the high school friends and vibes and all that...
and here i am now, back in miami, and wouldn't you know it, i'm looking right back at that as if in a big hallway mirror, seeing who i was back then, jealous of what he had, while he is looking at another mirror even further back wishing he was where he was then.. and i'm sure that last one is looking somewhere in the past, too to what he wished he was at the beginning somehow..
but i think it all about stops around 9th/10th grade.. that was the last stop of the 'what-i-remember-and-liked' chain... goin further doesn't really do much more for me...
but it's essentially that feeling of first getting a car, first having the freedom to go and do what you wanted, and the friendships and autonomy to pick them up and go on our own adventures around wherever we wanted..
and much like i said back in 2004, this is the point where we all have the most freedom with our lives... but now, i see what happened since then, and see that the freedom i felt then didn't last long...
i was feeling the last bit of what i had before my parents set off to hawaii and found their lives' dreams there... and then so, at the end of that cycle, my plan of having no destination and having total freedom was placed on the backburner, due in large part to my inability to say 'no', and also because i had no other better plan going on at the time....
i've turned myself into such a 'i don't need anyone else' kind of person over the years, and now that i have so many people around me, i don't allow myself to feel the 'need' of having any of them around..
they're all incidentals..
i don't make super strong friendships with any of them...
sad thing is, i think it's one sided on my side.
i can see how to many of them, i could be considered a best friend, but that's not me.
even people that have been in my life for over a decade, i still hold a lot of people at a distance... is this what life does, it just weeds things out and sepparates people off onto their own journeys that their destiny is taking them to?
cuz that makes sense... we're all so close and tight at the beginning but as things go, much like the radiating lines of a sun at sunrise or sunset, they begin from one place but are all on journeys to much further away destinations, all separate and growing in distance from oneanother.. why do we feel like we are any different, or that we should be any different?
for a short time we make lines connecting other rays, but only when it is mutually beneficial.. otherwise, we are already on our path somewhere else, regardless of if anyone else comes with us...
i can see how i used to be able to feel lonely at this point.
i wanna say it's been so long that i can't even remember the real feeling of emotional relationship, but how sad is it that i was just going out with stacey for 3 months, only a few months ago...
i do think i've forgotten what a relationship feels like, or i must have..
because otherwise, why would i not miss it at all, or feel the immense desire to be in one like i used to be..
i used to look at everyone as wanting to have a relationship with them.
and not even that long ago.
i remember writing here and telling david that 'i don't want to want to want someone'... i'm sure i could look back up at that post to see all the further meaning i had for it, but yea... i kept wanting to want someone.. and now it's come true, i don't really care about that anymore.
maybe that's why i don't really care about making anything new happen anymore... or maybe that's my excuse for my inability to authentically connect with someone else. i just tell myself that i don't even want to want them, or want them period...
i don't know.
i still don't know.
this has been a 30-minute post already.. i forget how the time just flies by when i write.
compared to how much i used to write (my 4-a-day post-a-thons from early college years) i hardly ever write anymore..
that's another thing i told myself to quit and so i did.
stop writing through your emotions..
funny thing is that the only problem with that is that now i just don't do emotions.. rather than find ways to express my emotions verbally to someone else, i just stopped having them.
writing is still my chosed method of getting my ideas out, moreso than conversation and all that, because i have such control over it... i can backspace when i change my mind, i can take awahile to find the right word i'm looking for, etc.
talking goes way too fast, and i'm one that likes to take time when thinking about things that are serious, cuz that is what i'm used to. i'm used to planning out responses and planned out letters to special people. that's me.
and now that i don't do that anymore, cuz i decided i didn't wanna be that, me is gone.
but i'm still living.
and i'm still enjoying life in a certain respect, but it's just different i suppose.
things don't mean much.
i just do things.
i have a schedule.
i go rockclimbing monday, wednesday, and friday.
i play ultimate frisbee tuesdays and thursdays.
on saturdays and sundays, i kayak.
i make exceptions when something else comes up, but when they do, i just go with them.
there's no longer an emotional investment in the things i do.
somehow i've distanced myself from that.
or it's distanced itself from me.
or there just isn't anything worth becoming emotionally invested in.
there's plenty of pretty faces in miami, but so what.
there's got to be more than this. there's got to be more than what i thought exists.
these shrooms were lame... lol.
i wanted to have some crazy adventure through the looking glass at shifting shapes and colors and carnavals and catastrophes and all i got was this trip right back down memory lane.
i chilled out in my man-cave for a little bit, turned up the music and drew.. then turned off the music and looked at my drawings, it was cool and all, the pulsating of the textures and all that, but i just kept rocking back into my own mind.
i went off onto the deck and looked up at the sky, the shapes of the clouds in it, remembered being there last time when des called, and was thinking about where he was a year ago and where i was... he's moved, he's doing something new and exciting. and i'm still here, doing essentially the same thing i was then.
i was thinking about that freedom.
to just go.
i haven't done that in awhile.
not since leaving to jacksonville about 6 years ago.
going to gainesville was the first step in going back to miami. it was looking backwards rather than forward... but seeing what i was writing in 2004, i shouldn't be surprised that i was looking backwards...
but i should have been looking forward.
forward is what got me to jax. what got me experiencing something new, something different, more powerful emotions, higher highs and lower lows and all that jazz......
but i'm in miami now.
and have been for 2 years already.
essentially 2 more years in my 'contract'.
the one that i said myself i see going on for awhile longer.
because i love this town and the friendships i have and the feelings.
but those friendships are fading.
or better yet, they're moving on.
first there was javi, then david, then tiffany, then all the others... now buigas is setting off to a new place... alex will probably go somewhere soon too.
i have gambit and ozz... and the other side-friends that come and go on occasion.
is it that i'm afraid to love again or some shit?
what am i doing?
i'm getting by just fine.
i do get weird sometimes though.
i get in moods.
i'm sure i'll revisit this post again awhile down the road and reflect on what point i was at in life then...
i see myself as this guy who's got it all together, some sort of new york wall street invester guy that knows exactly who he is and what he wants, and i see him looking back at this and laughing slightly at who he used to be...
maybe next time i go out, i will put on that persona. that i am that guy, the one that scoffs at this... and just see what happens with that.
cuz apparently, being me, down here, at this point in life, doesn't make things happen like it did in UNF... people don't just walk into your life anymore and set up shop like they do in college.. here, you have to go out and seek them and convince them that yours is a life worth getting into... and i believe i have that, i just need to find my way of articulating that in a way that doesn't involve writing them a letter and telling them to read it and respond with their thoughts.
cuz that's what i used to do.
and apparently, that's what i still do.
hmph.
and so, it's now 11:23pm, and i have been writing this post off-and-on for an hour and seven minutes.
phew.
Speaking of memory, that's what got me on this subject in the first place...
To start off, I remembered how much my mind likes text in this state... So I opened up the largest text file I had readily available, a livejournal post/response from idalia from february 2004...
massive amounts of text..
maybe not the best idea, because one thing about that much writing is that, no matter how much fun it is to look at the patterns and the shapes they make, the words themselves hold a lot of meaning and you eventually just gotta see what those words are saying...
and yea, through a lot of this trip, i have been going back through that time anyways...
which is very funny.
that whole huge post i had written back then was all about how much i disliked something about being at UNF... and how much i just wanted to be back in miami, with the high school friends and vibes and all that...
and here i am now, back in miami, and wouldn't you know it, i'm looking right back at that as if in a big hallway mirror, seeing who i was back then, jealous of what he had, while he is looking at another mirror even further back wishing he was where he was then.. and i'm sure that last one is looking somewhere in the past, too to what he wished he was at the beginning somehow..
but i think it all about stops around 9th/10th grade.. that was the last stop of the 'what-i-remember-and-liked' chain... goin further doesn't really do much more for me...
but it's essentially that feeling of first getting a car, first having the freedom to go and do what you wanted, and the friendships and autonomy to pick them up and go on our own adventures around wherever we wanted..
and much like i said back in 2004, this is the point where we all have the most freedom with our lives... but now, i see what happened since then, and see that the freedom i felt then didn't last long...
i was feeling the last bit of what i had before my parents set off to hawaii and found their lives' dreams there... and then so, at the end of that cycle, my plan of having no destination and having total freedom was placed on the backburner, due in large part to my inability to say 'no', and also because i had no other better plan going on at the time....
i've turned myself into such a 'i don't need anyone else' kind of person over the years, and now that i have so many people around me, i don't allow myself to feel the 'need' of having any of them around..
they're all incidentals..
i don't make super strong friendships with any of them...
sad thing is, i think it's one sided on my side.
i can see how to many of them, i could be considered a best friend, but that's not me.
even people that have been in my life for over a decade, i still hold a lot of people at a distance... is this what life does, it just weeds things out and sepparates people off onto their own journeys that their destiny is taking them to?
cuz that makes sense... we're all so close and tight at the beginning but as things go, much like the radiating lines of a sun at sunrise or sunset, they begin from one place but are all on journeys to much further away destinations, all separate and growing in distance from oneanother.. why do we feel like we are any different, or that we should be any different?
for a short time we make lines connecting other rays, but only when it is mutually beneficial.. otherwise, we are already on our path somewhere else, regardless of if anyone else comes with us...
i can see how i used to be able to feel lonely at this point.
i wanna say it's been so long that i can't even remember the real feeling of emotional relationship, but how sad is it that i was just going out with stacey for 3 months, only a few months ago...
i do think i've forgotten what a relationship feels like, or i must have..
because otherwise, why would i not miss it at all, or feel the immense desire to be in one like i used to be..
i used to look at everyone as wanting to have a relationship with them.
and not even that long ago.
i remember writing here and telling david that 'i don't want to want to want someone'... i'm sure i could look back up at that post to see all the further meaning i had for it, but yea... i kept wanting to want someone.. and now it's come true, i don't really care about that anymore.
maybe that's why i don't really care about making anything new happen anymore... or maybe that's my excuse for my inability to authentically connect with someone else. i just tell myself that i don't even want to want them, or want them period...
i don't know.
i still don't know.
this has been a 30-minute post already.. i forget how the time just flies by when i write.
compared to how much i used to write (my 4-a-day post-a-thons from early college years) i hardly ever write anymore..
that's another thing i told myself to quit and so i did.
stop writing through your emotions..
funny thing is that the only problem with that is that now i just don't do emotions.. rather than find ways to express my emotions verbally to someone else, i just stopped having them.
writing is still my chosed method of getting my ideas out, moreso than conversation and all that, because i have such control over it... i can backspace when i change my mind, i can take awahile to find the right word i'm looking for, etc.
talking goes way too fast, and i'm one that likes to take time when thinking about things that are serious, cuz that is what i'm used to. i'm used to planning out responses and planned out letters to special people. that's me.
and now that i don't do that anymore, cuz i decided i didn't wanna be that, me is gone.
but i'm still living.
and i'm still enjoying life in a certain respect, but it's just different i suppose.
things don't mean much.
i just do things.
i have a schedule.
i go rockclimbing monday, wednesday, and friday.
i play ultimate frisbee tuesdays and thursdays.
on saturdays and sundays, i kayak.
i make exceptions when something else comes up, but when they do, i just go with them.
there's no longer an emotional investment in the things i do.
somehow i've distanced myself from that.
or it's distanced itself from me.
or there just isn't anything worth becoming emotionally invested in.
there's plenty of pretty faces in miami, but so what.
there's got to be more than this. there's got to be more than what i thought exists.
these shrooms were lame... lol.
i wanted to have some crazy adventure through the looking glass at shifting shapes and colors and carnavals and catastrophes and all i got was this trip right back down memory lane.
i chilled out in my man-cave for a little bit, turned up the music and drew.. then turned off the music and looked at my drawings, it was cool and all, the pulsating of the textures and all that, but i just kept rocking back into my own mind.
i went off onto the deck and looked up at the sky, the shapes of the clouds in it, remembered being there last time when des called, and was thinking about where he was a year ago and where i was... he's moved, he's doing something new and exciting. and i'm still here, doing essentially the same thing i was then.
i was thinking about that freedom.
to just go.
i haven't done that in awhile.
not since leaving to jacksonville about 6 years ago.
going to gainesville was the first step in going back to miami. it was looking backwards rather than forward... but seeing what i was writing in 2004, i shouldn't be surprised that i was looking backwards...
but i should have been looking forward.
forward is what got me to jax. what got me experiencing something new, something different, more powerful emotions, higher highs and lower lows and all that jazz......
but i'm in miami now.
and have been for 2 years already.
essentially 2 more years in my 'contract'.
the one that i said myself i see going on for awhile longer.
because i love this town and the friendships i have and the feelings.
but those friendships are fading.
or better yet, they're moving on.
first there was javi, then david, then tiffany, then all the others... now buigas is setting off to a new place... alex will probably go somewhere soon too.
i have gambit and ozz... and the other side-friends that come and go on occasion.
is it that i'm afraid to love again or some shit?
what am i doing?
i'm getting by just fine.
i do get weird sometimes though.
i get in moods.
i'm sure i'll revisit this post again awhile down the road and reflect on what point i was at in life then...
i see myself as this guy who's got it all together, some sort of new york wall street invester guy that knows exactly who he is and what he wants, and i see him looking back at this and laughing slightly at who he used to be...
maybe next time i go out, i will put on that persona. that i am that guy, the one that scoffs at this... and just see what happens with that.
cuz apparently, being me, down here, at this point in life, doesn't make things happen like it did in UNF... people don't just walk into your life anymore and set up shop like they do in college.. here, you have to go out and seek them and convince them that yours is a life worth getting into... and i believe i have that, i just need to find my way of articulating that in a way that doesn't involve writing them a letter and telling them to read it and respond with their thoughts.
cuz that's what i used to do.
and apparently, that's what i still do.
hmph.
and so, it's now 11:23pm, and i have been writing this post off-and-on for an hour and seven minutes.
phew.