Waiting 6a/7
Well, I'm back again with another chapter. I hope that you all like it.
Title: Waiting
Author: Soulseeker Rating: NC17 for language, slash, and dark theme.
Summary: Can Spike go on without his love?
Pairing: Spike/Xander implied. Spike/Angel
Part: 5a/7
Rating: NC-17 for adult themes, language and sexual content
Feedback: Yes, it gives me the warm and fuzzys.
Disclaimers: I owe nothing. I just got a new job and I don't even get paid until the next month.
Previously in Waiting:
Angel felt the world crumble.
Angel felt a coldness spread throughout him and it had nothing to do with not having any circulation. He wanted to scream in rage and pain and the only thing going through his mind was that it couldn’t be true. Wesley had to be lying or mistaken. Please God, let Wesley be wrong.
Angel slowly turned around and walked back to Wesley. He looked deep into the human’s eyes, hoping against hope that it was all a mistake. He couldn’t find anything but honesty and pain reflected back. Angel sat heavily down on the sofa and closed his eyes to his own fear and pain. He needed to think clearly, to understand this situation before it got out of hand. Although if it was true, it was already out of control. Wesley only said that he thought that Spike and Xander had mated. Maybe he was wrong.
“You’re wrong. You have to be wrong.” Angel pleaded.
“I don’t think that I am. He shows most of the classic symptoms. Lethargy, loss of appetite, deep depression, apathy, nightmares, he’s displayed them all. He even voiced the Bellearch and attempted suicide earlier today. I wish I was wrong, believe me, I wish I was.”
Wesley sat down next to the upset vampire.
“How do you know about the Bellearch? Are you sure he tried to kill himself? Did you ask him? How sure are you about this?”
“I know about the Bellearch though some old Watcher diaries. As for the attempted suicide, I’m very sure. I had a friend in University who killed himself. He had a look in his eyes before he did it. One that said that he made a very important decision and that he was a peace about what he was about to do. Spike had that same look this afternoon staring at the curtains. I had no doubt that he would have opened them if he was left alone.”
“Oh, God, you didn’t leave him alone did you? He’s still here, isn’t he?”
“I called Gunn and asked him to pick up a potion for me. I had him mix it up with some blood and managed to get it down Spike. Up until a few hours ago, he’d been in deep sleep. He woke up distressed again and I managed to perform a sleeping spell that I had looked up. Gunn’s still with him now. Has been up there all day as a matter of fact.
“Tell me everything. Right from the beginning at the time you suspected that they had mated until I walked though that door. I need to hear everything.”
“I had some trouble translating a text and I sought out Spike’s help. I found him in the bathroom, in the tub with freezing cold water pouring on him and trying to claw his own skin off.”
“He was trying to claw his skin off?”
“Yes, he was very upset. He kept saying that he wasn’t clean. That he had to get clean for Xander.”
“He said he wasn’t clean? Why did he think he was dirty? What does this have to do with Xander?”
Wesley gave Angel a very exasperating look and informed him through gritted teeth, “If you will shut up and allow me to continue, I’ll explain everything. Please refrain from interruption.”
Angel made the classic show of zipping his lip, locking it and throwing away the key. Wesley wasn’t amused. He continued.
“As I was saying, he was sitting in a tub under a cold shower, trying to claw his skin off. He had made pretty good progress from the look of things. Spike was covered in welts and bleeding in some places. I managed to calm him down and get him out of the tub and dried off. He refused to wear his clothes, saying that he didn’t deserve them. He even refused his picture. He kept saying that Xander would never forgive him. I assured him that he was wrong, that Xander had loved him and would forgiven him for anything. That’s when he told me that he had sex with you. I thought at first that I had mistakenly heard him and asked him to clarify himself. He told me that if he thought that if he pretended hard enough, believed hard enough, that having sex with you would be like making love with Xander. He pointed out your similarities; height, hair color, and the smell of your arousal whenever you were near him.”
Angel was about to defend himself but received a death glare from the ex-Watcher. Angel promptly closed his mouth and nodded for the story to continue.
“It seemed that they used to . . . er, play games in the bedroom. Apparently one of them was Xander fulfilling the role of ‘Sire’, er, I guess that would have been you in the bad old days. What snapped him out of his little fantasy is when you bit him. And before I go further, that is one image that I could have really done without before I go to bed tonight. Then he seemed to do a one-eighty in his attitude. He went from having a crying jag to being suddenly calm. He assured me that he was fine and just needed to sleep. He was looking at the curtains the whole time. I have no doubt that he would have opened them had I left. The rest is just like I told you.”
They sat in silence, each lost in his own thoughts. The human in quiet support, the vampire in denial. Angel angrily got up and paced. It couldn’t be true. Wesley, for whatever reason, was making all this up. He loved Spike and Spike loved him. That was all that anyone needed to know. And it was about time that Wesley faced facts. The two resident vampires were back together and that was that.
“You’re wrong, Wesley! I don’t know why you concocted this scheme, but it won’t work. Spike and I are back together and it’s no one’s business but our own. You and everyone else better get used to it!”
Wesley stood up and faced his friend. In his opinion, Angel needed to face reality and it had to be now. There was a young man . . . er, young vampire . . . er, young-looking old vampire upstairs that needed help and only Angel could give it to him.
“There is no scheme Angel. All that I have revealed to you is true. Spike did come to your room pretending that you were Xander. What did he call you?”
“He called me Sire. What of it? I am his Sire, with all the respect and responsibilities that goes with it. Xander never could have measured up to what I meant to Spike. Our relationship was unique and no mere human could ever take my place. Certainly not a weak child like Xander Harris!”
“Think, Angel! Use that big head of yours for something other then a place for hair gel. Did he ever call you anything other then Sire? Did he even say your name? Did he ever say ‘Angel’?”
“No, but that doesn’t mean anything.”
“That means everything, Angel! For the past few months that he’s been here, how many times had he actively sought you out? I’ll tell you. None. In fact, he’s barely spoken a word to you. Spike can hardly stand to be in the same room with you. Yet, you expect me to believe that he came on to you, that he wanted to have sex with you. He was pretending that you were Xander! He thought that if he made love to you that he’ll have Xander back. And when it didn’t work, it drove him over the edge. I don’t mean to sound cruel but, you were nothing more then a substitute to him. He doesn’t want you. Maybe that’s why you didn’t lose your soul. Because deep down, you realize that he never truly belonged to you.”
That drove shards of pain into Angel’s heart. It couldn’t be true. It just couldn’t be. He’d give anything for it to all be a dream. Angel frantically cast about for one shred of hope, one slim chance that he wouldn’t lose Spike forever.
“How sure are you, Wesley? How sure are you that they mated?”
“Very sure. Like I said, all my research had only confirmed my suspicions.”
Angel jumped on that. “Suspicions. Research. Did you ask him? Did you even think to ask him if he and Xander mated?”
“Well, no actually. Like I said earlier, he was very incoherent at the time. I doubted that he would have been able to think clearly if I had asked.”
“Then it might not be true.”
“Angel, it’s highly doubtful that I’m wrong.”
“But you could be.”
“Angel, I know how you feel about Spike, but . . . “
Angel interrupted, nearly going into game face with his anger and frustration. “You don’t know how I feel about him! How could you ever comprehend the depths of my feelings for him? I’ve loved him for more then a century, Wes. He was the one thing in my life that I’ve ever truly wanted, demon and soul. I know that I have a strange way of showing it, but Angelus screwed with his head so badly that I never had a real chance with him. I staked Darla and left Buffy. Two things I was never able to really do to Spike. Yeah, I beat him up, plenty of times, but I never came close to killing him. You know me. You know that I could have killed him at any time. And I didn’t so much as leave him, but I allowed myself to be driven away. But we’re finally back together. I can’t lose him now, Wes.”
Wesley’s heart ached for his friend. Everyone deserved some happiness. But not at the expense of another’s sanity. And Spike would slip into a grief stricken catatonic insanity at the date of Xander’s death. Treating Angel with kid gloves now would do no one any good.
“Angel, you already lost him the moment that he and Xander mated. If you know anything about the mating ritual then you know that it’s an unbreakable bond. Spike will die, either physically or emotionally. It’s all a matter of when and how much longer you make him suffer.”
Angel closed his eyes to his pain and unbidden, a memory arose. The ex-Watcher saw the particular look and asked about it.
“Angel, what is it? Have you ever encountered a mated pair of vampires before? I had assumed that you had some knowledge about them when you didn’t question me about Spike’s symptoms. I admit that they’re extremely rare and thought the common knowledge about the ritual lost among the last few centuries.”
Angel heaved a deep sigh and despair colored his deep voice as he told his friend how he found out about mated vampires.
“I’d only been turned a dozen or so years, a child really in the eyes of other vampires. Darla had heard about an acquaintance of hers who had taken a mate. She was curious and we visited them. His mate turned out to be a Selexivic demoness. I doubt that you’ve ever heard of them before. They’re extremely rare, a few are only born every few centuries or so. They blend in because they look like humans, but their blood is hotter, live longer and they’re impossible to drain. Darla was fascinated by the thought of an endless supply of blood and wanted the female for herself. She drugged and dusted the vampire and we took off with the girl. She tried to fight us, but we were too strong for her. We kept her for months, feeding off her and thwarting her escape attempts. We paid no attention to her grieving, in fact, we seemed to get off on it. When she tried to starve herself, we had minions force feed her. A suicide attempt caused us to chain her in the basement. Darla finally removed her tongue after listening for two days to the most awful screaming that I’ve ever heard before. I’ll never forget that sound and I’ve never heard it since. One month later, while Darla and I slept, she managed to repeatedly smash her head against the wall, finally killing herself. When I saw that Darla wasn’t surprised, I asked her about it. She explained about the mating ritual, about what happens to a vampire after a mate dies. She told me all she knew of the old legends, about the urge to seek death instead bringing it. I vowed then to never take a mate. I couldn’t imagine the love that it took to sacrifice yourself for someone else. I had been taught that love was a weakness. A failing in vampires. I would never allow anyone in my line to become weak. I had even betrayed my own Childe to prevent it. But, now I realize that love isn’t a weakness. It takes strength to love someone like that. And Spike is the strongest person I know.”
Wesley stayed silent throughout Angel’s tale. He wondered if Angel had the love, the strength, to set Spike free from his grief. Because there was only one path, one solution to be carried out. Could Angel do it? Wesley had to find out.
“Do you love Spike enough to set him free?”
“Yes.” The answer was instantaneously and unthinking. It was an answer from the heart and not the head. The only answer. However . . .
“But I need to talk to him first. To hear from his own lips that he took Xander as his mate. He’ll tell me the truth, Spike never could lie to me.”
“And if it’s true? What then?”
“I’ll do what I have to do. I’ll be as quick and as painless as possible. I won’t let him suffer anymore. He doesn’t deserve to hurt.”
Angel wearily stood up and slowly make his way upstairs to Spike. For the first time since he’d left him that morning, he wasn’t eager to see Spike. He felt like he was going to his own execution. Wesley kept him company, hoping that the presence of a friend might bring him some small comfort.
Angel stopped at the entrance to Spike’s floor. He’d spent the journey from the lobby to here thinking of a plan. Whatever happened next, he’ll need to deal with it alone.
“Wesley, I need you and Gunn to leave us alone. Completely alone. Call Cordelia and have her keep Fred with her at her apartment. Don’t even have her come by for her clothes. Tell Cordy that she can use the credit card that she never returned to buy Fred whatever she needs, just don’t run me into the Grand Canyon of debt. Turn off the phones and lock up the hotel. If Cordy has a vision, handle it yourselves. Take whatever books and weapons you might need for a few days, don’t come back for anything. I’ll call you after . . . I’ll just call you.”
There was a moment of silence after Angel stumbled over his last sentence. They both knew what the dark haired vampire had almost said; after he kills Spike. Angel started down the last hallway to his Childe’s room. He wanted to drag his feet, to put off this business as long as possible. But no matter how distasteful he found his duty, no matter how much he’ll hurt to carry this out, he knew that Spike was suffering more. He couldn’t let his Childe hurt anymore. Angel was the only one now that could end his pain. He was almost to the door when Wesley caught up with him and laid a restraining hand on his arm.
“Angel . . . “
”What, Wesley?! I know what I have to do. I won’t allow Spike to hurt anymore.”
“I was only going to say that if you wished to speak to Spike beforehand, you might need to know the counter spell to the one he’s under.”
“Oh.”
His voice was small and if he could have, Angel would have blushed. He hadn’t meant to snap at the human, but he was under a lot of personal stress at the moment. He knew what he would have to do, he just didn’t want to do it. Where his Childe was concerned, Angel freely admitted to being a selfish bastard.
“Well, in that case, what’s the counter spell?”
“Sleep no more.”
Angel raised one eyebrow and his voice was full of skepticism.
“‘Sleep no more’? That’s it? That’s a spell breaker?”
“Not every spell needs complicated Latin to work, Angel. ‘Sleep no more’ will suffice.”
Angel turned to leave again, and yet again, Wesley called him back. The tall vampire had half-way turned back to the human when the ex-Watcher punched him hard in the jaw. The unexpectedness and the force snapped the vampire’s head back. The red mark was already beginning to fade by the time Angel angrily faced his ‘friend’.
“What the hell was that all about?!”
Wesley was cradling his injured hand and moaning in pain. The fiery pain rushed from his knuckles all the way up to his shoulder. He was hardly able to breathe through it. Angel’s jaw was a lot harder then he thought. If he was lucky, he only fractured his hand instead of breaking it. But, by the escalating pain and the swelling, Wesley wasn’t so sure.
“I believe I broke my hand”, he whimpered through gritted teeth.
“Good! Now, tell me what that was about before I break your other fucking hand!”
“That was from Gunn. For making Spike cry.”
Angel just looked at him in shock. And then felt sick to his stomach. He’d made Spike cry. He’d never made Spike cry before. Angel turned his back on Wesley’s pain and opened the bedroom door. Gunn looked up from his chair, dark eyes narrowed in anger. Spike was on his back, covers tucked under his chin. He barely made a bump in the bed with his slight frame. Angel approached the bed and stared down at his blond Childe. He looked so peaceful, so sweet. Anyone looking at him right now would never know that he only had only a few short weeks left to live. He finally turned to Gunn.
“Wesley told me everything. You need to take him to the emergency room. I think he broke his hand on my jaw. He’ll fill you in on everything else. Thanks for all your help.”
Gunn gave one last sad lingering look at Spike, glared at Angel again and started towards the door.
“Wait.” Angel called out. Gathering up the discarded clothes and the picture, he gave them to the demon hunter.
“Take these with you. Whatever happens . . . he won’t need them anymore.”
Gunn gently took the bundle, gave another sad look at Spike, glared at Angel one more time and started to leave again. Angel softly called out to him, halting the demon hunter in his tracks.
“And Gunn? I didn’t mean to make him cry.”
Gunn, his back still to Angel, gave only a short nod to show that he heard and understood. The click of the door echoed throughout the room like a gun shot. Angel sat on the side of the bed and gently stroked the blond hair. He gave a deep sigh.
“Oh, my sweet William. We sure have fucked ourselves over, huh?”
Spike didn’t answer. Angel looked around the room. He needed to talk to Spike, but was reluctant to do it here. The room was filled with remembered pain and the ghost of Xander. His room was similarly out. The smell of sex would linger for days with their sensitive noses. He had to find a mutual room. One that carried no memories. One that had nothing but the smell of decaying wood and rat droppings. A fitting room for what he had to do if it was proven that Spike had taken Xander as his mate. A cheerful and bright room would seem hypocritical and inappropriate.
Angel went to search for the perfect place. Two hours later he found the best one he could. A box spring mattress laid cata-cornered in the room. The wall were sound and the floor solid. The windows had been boarded up and Angel checked to make sure that no deadly sunlight would be able to creep through the cracks. It was perfect for what he needed, but still Angel hesitated. He almost considered leaving Spike as he was, a real life Sleeping Beauty. But, he knew that it wouldn’t work. Spike might slumber on, dreamless and safe, but eventually his body would show signs of starvation. The blond vampire wouldn’t feel the gnawing hunger taking over his body, but Angel couldn’t stand to see his Childe suffer like that. And he wasn’t even sure the spell could save Spike from going into the catatonic state that Wesley had described.
Angel kicked the mattress flat and shoved it to the middle of the floor. He left but returned a half hour later with a mini-fridge full of blood. After plugging it in and making sure that the electricity worked, he left and came back with the microwave. Spike would need his strength to talk. Angel refused to think of this as his last meal. Angel plugged in a small lamp on top of the mini-fridge for light. He then went back to Spike’s room and stared down at his Childe. His sleeping boy looked like he hadn’t a care in the world.
He gently gathered up the sleeping vampire, covers and all. He made a very slight weight in Angel’s arms. Angel cradled his precious burden close to his chest as he slowly made his way to the room he chose. He didn’t walk slow for the fear of waking a slumbering Spike, but to make the trip last as long as he could. This might be the very last opportunity to hold his Childe in his arms again and he wanted to make it last as long as possible. Angel pressed small kisses to the soft curls the whole way.
With just the same amount of care, Angel placed Spike in the center of the bed, taking time to straighten the covers. The he abruptly tore them off and studied the nude body on the bare mattress. He let his hungry eyes feast on Spike’s body, desperately trying to memorize every inch of the blond vampire. He should run and fetch his sketch book so that he could get that perfect body down on paper. But Angel resisted the urge because it would only delay the inevitable and Spike deserved his freedom.
He reluctantly covered up that pale perfection and stepped back out of the way. No telling how Spike would react once he was awake. Angel wasn’t going to take any chances unless he had to. Swallowing his fear and sadness, he uttered the phase that Wesley had given him.
“Sleep no more.”
At first the was no movement and Angel thought that the counter spell hadn’t worked. Then the blond head moved slightly from side to side and Spike slowly rolled over. He had his back to Angel so the older vampire wasn’t able to read his expression or even tell if he was completely awake. But he could sense his Childe’s emotions. There was confusion and sadness warring with each other. And then anger sparked and crowded everything else out. Anger that he knew was directed at him. Spike turned over and spotted Angel in the shadows. Glittering blue eyes snapped with hatred and a low growl came from a pale throat, something that hadn’t been voiced in a very long time. That was all the warning Angel got before a screaming naked game faced Spike hurled himself at him.
Spike had been floating. At least, it felt like he was floating, in a warm blue mist surrounded by nothing but peace and tranquility. Nothing bad could touch him there, nothing hurtful would ever dare come near him in this safe place. It felt like he was surrounded by Xander. Xander’s love enveloped him like a warm fuzzy blanket. Spike never wanted to leave this place. Ever. But, then a voice called out to him. A strangely familiar voice. He tried to resist it. He really did. Spike wanted nothing more then to stay in the Xander blue mist, but that voice pulled at him, tugging him towards the surface, towards wakefulness.
Spike shook his head in denial. He didn’t want to leave his haven but he was pulled against his will. He turned over on his side for a more comfortable position and opened his eyes. Unfamiliar walls greeted him and a hard mattress was under him. Where was this place? Where was Xander? And then he remembered that Xander wasn’t with him. Xander would never be with him again. The numbness was just about to creep back and Spike would have gladly welcomed it with open arms when he caught a very familiar scent. Angel. Angel was somewhere in this room. Watching him from some dark space, lurking in the shadows. The numbness abated a little, replaced by anger. And instead of pushing the anger away, instead of wishing for the numbing cold of no emotion, Spike caught and held onto that little spark of hate. He nursed it until it became a fully raging fire, never letting go of it. This whole thing was that fucking Angel’s fault. If he hadn’t turned Drusilla, Dru never would have turned him. And if Dru had never turned him, then he would have lived his natural life, never knowing that a century later he would have meet Xander and risked falling hopelessly in love with a mortal. A mortal who loved and then left him. And if it wasn’t for Angel, he wouldn’t have known about Slayers, wouldn’t have gone after Buffy, never would have gotten this fucking chip in his head and never would have had his heart broken. That was the worse of it. A broken heart. And now Angel was watching him, gloating over fact that Xander was gone and he was all alone again.
A growl of fury ripped itself from him and he let his demon out. Angel had to pay and he would be the one to bring retribution down on his pointy little head. Turning over he spotted the older vampire with his yellowed demon eyes. Not noticing, nor caring about his unclothed state, Spike attacked him, hatred and anger pouring from him like busted dam.
Angel didn’t bother to brace himself when a raging Spike slammed into him. The bigger vampire hit the floor with hard thump, the smaller vampire straddling his body. He let Spike hit him, let him try to get his rage out on him. Angel just kept an eye out for lose boards that could double as a stake and didn’t try to defend himself beyond making sure that no hit knocked him unconscious. Angel could have easily shrugged him off without any damage, but let him have his head. Spike needed this, needed to get passed this before it destroy himself inside.
At first, all Spike saw was a red hot haze, obscuring his vision. Then he went from screaming to cursing Angel, calling him every foul word he could recall in both human and demon languages. As the surge of adrenalin began to wear off, his thin body began to shake from the strain and the blows became slower and lighter. His arms felt like they had 100 pound weights tied to them and his blond head hung down to his chest. Cold tears of frustration dripped down his sharp cheekbones and landed on Angel’s face. Angel tasted salt and blood and knew that his Childe was winding down, exhausting himself with the tirade.
Angel sat up, wincing a bit at the bruises and wrapped his arms around Spike. For a few moments, he let Angel hug his sobbing body, soaking up the comfort like a sponge. Spike realized who was holding him and wearily shoved himself away from Angel’s larger body. He crawled back to the mattress, collapsing in a small heap, sniffling and hiccupping. Angel managed to pick himself up off the floor and made himself busy by fixing a bag of blood for Spike. He crouched down and offered it to the now silent Spike. Spike just shook his head and muttered, “Don’ wan’ it.”
“Take it Spike. You need your strength.”
Spike just shook his head and tried to bury himself deeper into the mattress.
“Please.”
Angel wasn’t sure if it was the please that did it or the fact that he asked and not demanded, but Spike reached out a shaking hand, took the bag and drained it. The blond tossed the empty blood bag off the edge of the mattress and Angel had to resist the urge to pick it up. His Childe had never been the neat one, preferring to let things lie where he dropped them or depended on minions to clean up after him. Angel wondered how Xander coped with that little character flaw. Then he remembered what Willow said about the time he lived with her, Tara, and Dawn. Spike cleaned the house, from the attic to the basement. He wondered about that odd little quirk in his Childe’s behavior at the time. But, the blond had always amazed him with the things he did.
They both maintained a tense silence and when Angel sat on the mattress close to the curled up vampire, Spike balled himself up tighter. Angel moved away a bit and Spike relaxed a little, although he never completely came out of his position. The older vampire finally broke the leaded silence.
“Talk to me Spike.”
There was another long stretch of silence and just when Angel thought he’d have to repeat himself, Spike roused himself to speak. His voice was husky and tired sounding from his crying jag and it drove shards of pain through Angel. He did this. He made Spike sound like this.
“Why? Whose demanding? Sire, Angelus, or poncy Angel?”
Angel hid his grin from Spike. He called him poncy. As insults went, it wasn’t one of his better ones, but it was a start. Angel had waited for months for this one tiny glimpse of the Childe he knew and loved. Maybe Spike would be alright now. That is, if he hadn’t taken Xander as his mate.
“I’m asking as a friend.”
There was a very Spike-like snort form the naked man. Angel took that as another good sign.
“When were you ever my friend?”
“I’d like to start now, if you’ll like me.” Angel’s tone was soft and he fervently hoped that Spike heard the sincerity in it. And it was true. If Spike wouldn’t be his lover, at least they could be friends for the short time they had left. It was on the one thing they’ve never truly been before. Spike was quiet again and Angel let him have his time to think. He’d learned long ago to never rush Spike when he wasn’t ready.
“Why? Why do you want to be my friend? That is, if I’d ever consider such a thing.”
“You need a friend right now. I’d like to be that friend. Is that so hard to understand? We’ve both changed enough over the years so that isn’t such a great leap. Is it?”
“All I need is Xander! I don’t need and I don’t want you!”
Angel felt the flare of temper in his Childe rise and fall before being replace again by grief. He had to get Spike off the track of animosity before he decided to attack him again. Without thinking, he asked the most important question in his life.
“Spike, did you take Xander as your mate? Don’t bother trying to lie, because you know that I can tell when you do.”
So in tune with Spike’s emotion, Angel felt the soul crushing grief that his question caused. If he hadn’t needed a verbal conformation to be sure, that feeling pouring out of his Childe would convince anybody that it was true. However, Spike’s whispered answer startled him so badly that he was unable to speak.
T.B.C?