(no subject)
having been burned before i find myself reticent to give my heart away so easily. well, not easily. after all, he already came to Cali with me. but i guess there's only so many times you can hear so many different people say they're going to try to come see you and they're going to find a way to make it work and that they will _always_ be there for you _no_matter_what_, and then have all that dashed in your face and have them disappear, stop caring just when you're starting to trust them...yeah, only so many times that can happen before you stop beliving people and start to gaurd your emotions a little bit...but right now that doesn't really matter. because he hasn't hurt me yet. i just find it kind of sad that i think he'll probably just get bored before he makes it over here and i'll be left alone again. and therefore i'm not letting myself care as much as i actually do. i'm not letting myself feel as much. lol, thanks muchly to my birth control. that's right, regulate my hormones. keep me numb until i break again. i think my breakdowns are worse than they used to be. i used to let it out a little at a time. and yeah, sometimes it was bad. but now i just don't seem to care enough to do maintanence. i never used to scream.
so what does all that mean? that i feel like breaking down, but it would require too much effort i guess. and that i want him here. and i want to think that he's just crazy enough and just dissatisfied enough with his present situation to get here. but i'm not really holding out any kind of rational hope that he will.
so what does all that mean? that i feel like breaking down, but it would require too much effort i guess. and that i want him here. and i want to think that he's just crazy enough and just dissatisfied enough with his present situation to get here. but i'm not really holding out any kind of rational hope that he will.