Absence Of Soul - Ruby/Sam - PG - [1/1]
Title: Absence Of Soul
Author: force-oblique
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I don't own anything! :P
Characters/Pairings: Ruby/Sam - mostly Ruby POV
Spoilers/Warnings: General fic - no spoiler
Summary: What is there In the absence of soul? Isn’t there emptiness? Isn’t there despair? Isn’t there pointlessness? Isn’t the void the only thing there? And what did you fill that blank space with, Ruby? What did you replace your soul with? What does even compare?
Lyrics: A Cross And A Girl Named Blessed by Evans Blue
Author's Notes:Written in the same motif as The Darkest Of Wings and The Other Side
~ English is not my native language so excuse any crappiness and/or mistakes!
Crossposted at@spn-ruby,wincest-free,spn-fanficspn-gen,sam-ruby, supportsamruby,moon-hunters, daysofthereaper,spn-fics
ABSENCE OF SOUL
{She wears a butterfly on her wrist
But she might as well cut it's head off
She's holding out for weapons to kill the ghost inside
Or at least kill the thought she has of killing her mind
she says "I love you" with her hands, she says "I hate you" with her eyes}
So, you go to bed though you cannot sleep.
So, you keep thinking though this isn’t going to get any easier.
You keep eating and drinking, sustaining a body that has only circumstantial importance to you.
You keep walking when you want to run. Run away and never look back .
And you keep silent when you want to scream your lungs out.
Everything is so loud and so silent at the same time, like you are both racing and stalling, grown numb.
You think if you touch it, it’s gonna get real.
Yourself, this body, him.
So, you go on living, even though you are dead and you have been so; for centuries…
You have seen a lot with more different sets of eyes than you can count.
You have been around too long to ignore the signs and they are clear and undeniable.
Lucifer is coming and Lillith is to blame.
When you lay helpless in hell and in pain, bleeding, did you think about that?
When the pain was so unbearable that your eyes cried out your existence did you still have faith?
Did you believe when you wailed for them , your torturers, to stop?
Did you hold hope as they butchered your borrowed body?
Did you hope that even if Lucifer ascended, he’d show you the mercy you so long for, despite everything?
And wouldn’t he be confused?
What is he to deduct from your actions, Ruby?
You change your mind fat too often. You have never been really happy, not once, so why does misery sound so different?
If your eyes are black, why are you so afraid of darkness?
Why are you so afraid of seeing the earth charred and the sky as dark as your visions?
Aren't you a demon? Don’t you want your kind to thrive?
Oh, right. I forgot. You are partly human. You are not entirely demonic, but what is a demon exactly?
Do you think you are only a demon in the confines of hell? Is there a switch you can turn on and off? You know better than that...
Don’t you know by now that blackness resides in the absence of compassion?
In the absence of soul?
And when did you lose yours, Ruby?
Was your compassion the first thing you shed when people showed you none?
And when did you lose your soul?
Was it when you willingly wished for someone's ill?
How does that make you stand out? It's a bit dull and unoriginal, you have to admit...
{There's a pretty girl somewhere, with a pretty name
But I could never let you know how much this means
I swear we'll end this war, cause we both know
It wasn't worth fighting for}
Don’t you know all men get angry and mad sometimes, wishing for someone’s death or misfortune?
And weren’t you one of the lucky ones if your wishes were granted?
When did you start considering this demonic grace misguided or unwanted?
Was it not you, the one who laughed when you got your way?
Was it not you that rejoiced at the sight of blood spilt?
And of what you’ve gathered so far, what makes you think you can change your mind now?
Do you want forgiveness? Do you want absolution?
Is that what this is all about?
What effect did Sam Winchester have on you?
It was dark when you fist saw him, hidden in the shadow of the moon, curious to find out more about the miraculous boy with the Demon Blood.
You had just broken out of your prison and you joined the others into following the Winchester brothers.
At first you thought they were ordinary and if they were still alive, it must have been out of pure luck.
But then, you looked more closely and the truth blinded you.
Your eyes accustomed to constant darkness almost caught fire in its light.
Oh yes, it was dark, pitch black but still you distinguished the light in his soul did you not?
You were used to seeing flickers of light, but not in the presence of such evil around you.
Everything you had seen, everything you had witnessed...They were merely flickers of light that died out consumed by darkness until you saw his light.
It was bright and powerful yet the blackness around it was intact.
Blackness bestowed to him by one of your kind and it made you wonder how that boy could do it.
What an extraordinary nature he must possess in order to be able to harbour this evil within him but have his goodness prevail.
It made your head throb for answers.
If he could do it, could you do it too?
You knew you had some part of light in you.
Why couldn’t you let it shine?
Was it just a matter of nature?
Were you just too malicious to help yourself or was it lack of bravery and perseverance?
{I wear God's name up by my wrist but she might as well tear my skin off
She's letting go convictions, to release the ghost inside
To release all the suffering of a cross and a girl
I sing "I love you" way too much, so I'll say "I hate you" for tonight}
For centuries you have dreamt about it.
Freedom, independence, the liberty to make your own decisions unaffected by anyone.
But it was just in theory, the light at the end of a very long tunnel that perhaps extended even more than your demonic lifespan could allow.
You were “you” and have always been, alone and lonely, till you saw them live in the “we”. They were united as one.
You figured if these two boys could still fight and look forward and be optimistic, even though the end was coming, then maybe you could get another chance, as well...
Βut what is there, Ruby?
What is there In the absence of soul?
Isn’t there emptiness? Isn’t there despair?
Isn’t there pointlessness?
Isn’t the void the only thing there?
And what did you fill that blank space with, Ruby?
Aren’t you still hollow? What did you replace your soul with?
What does even compare?
What could possibly go where your soul once was?
”Him” you mouth and it is almost unwillingly. Your lips form the word before you can stop them.
Just a slit of your traitorous skin betraying you, life you don’t recognize as your own stemming from them.
You don't know why you couldn't control them. These lips...
Then again you already feel like you are out of control,so it's not a big shock..
It's only a little disaster that you should speak your mind.
But you are actually out of your mind if you think he feels the same, right?
Seriously, you don't believe he will be there for you...
But now you said it out loud. It's out in the open. It's real. You made it real.
And somehow you are disappointed Sam is not there to witness your epiphany.
What difference would it make, though? Would he care?
Would he dare look close enough? Would he dare look in you and through you?
Or would he recoil disgusted once he came into contact with your true colors and your true nature? The demonic one, the one you can't hide or renounce no mater how hard you try?
Because let's face it, Ruby, what is there in the absence of soul?
What is there inside of you, if your soul has fled?
There's him inside of you, you think.
Inside your mind, your heart, your chest, your whole body.
Only him and it has proven to be enough, because he is the only thing you need to go on every day and every night, when there was a time you had given up, succumbing to cynicism and the fatalism that loomed over you throughout your whole existence.
But now there's only him.
His smile, his voice, his muscular arms around your body, his eyes on you and you feel safe, warm, elevated.
Almost not demonic anymore.
You feel almost human.
Yes you dare think it and though the concept in itself is absurd and you sense a giggle rising up your throat, you stifle it because indeed the sensation is there.
You feel like the way you felt centuries ago, when you were still very much carnal instead of the dark mist you are today.
But you had your humanity ripped out of you once hell's torments etched their curse on your skin, indelibly like a tattoo and even deeper beneath the surface, on the fine fabric of the soul you still maintained, till it got worn too thin, till it got worn to non-existence.
{She, she said to me I will be driving in the wrong direction
Did you ever think, that maybe your life,
Is heading in the wrong direction, baby}
And this newly found feeling makes everything right, doesn't it?
So what, if you are a stain in this room, in the room you share with him?
What if you are a stain in every room?
So what, if you are supposed to be an abomination, a travesty in the eyes of God?
Sam makes you feel wanted, semi-normal, almost deserving of attention and respect.
And in the absence of soul, in the absence of your soul, something different springs.
Something different than nothingness. Something different than despair.
Something none of you ever expected, but it's still welcome.
And what springs is caring. What blooms is love.
Love like no other.
Not like a human would love... Obviously..
Not like a demon would love either, if this were possible.
But something in between.
Something; only someone in between can give.
And in the absence of soul and in the shadow of damnation, you dare smile.
You smile and it's both a blaspheme and a prayer, because you it seems you are loyal to no one.
No single side, good or evil and not to yourself either.
But you seem to be loyal only to him and the acceptance he brings.
Sam, your savior.
A tainted human saving a hesitant demon... A blaspheme and a prayer, indeed.
A contradiction like yourself, because how can you claim to be righteous when you are hell's spawn?
And how can you claim to be malignant, if you have escaped hell's claws and malice is not in your thoughts?
A contradiction, indeed.
A challenge perhaps, since you have to prove yourself everyday to him, to them , to everyone.
But you were always up for any challenge and this maybe your downfall.
But challenges and riddles are your forte, for you are one of them and in the absence of soul, you know you can do it...
{There's a cross up on the wall
See from the corner of your eye
When you're down on your knees
And she's begging please
So go and lay back down tonight
Because you won't know who you are
Until you're down on your knees
And you're begging please}
~ Fin ~
If you enjoyed this, also try:
1)The Darkest Of Wings - A Ruby/Sam Fic - [1/1]
2)This Is How You Fall - A Ruby Fic - [1]
3)The Other Side - A Ruby Fic - [1/1]
4)Bleed The Skies - A Sam/Evil!Sam Fic - [1/1]
Comments found Here
Author: force-oblique
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I don't own anything! :P
Characters/Pairings: Ruby/Sam - mostly Ruby POV
Spoilers/Warnings: General fic - no spoiler
Summary: What is there In the absence of soul? Isn’t there emptiness? Isn’t there despair? Isn’t there pointlessness? Isn’t the void the only thing there? And what did you fill that blank space with, Ruby? What did you replace your soul with? What does even compare?
Lyrics: A Cross And A Girl Named Blessed by Evans Blue
Author's Notes:Written in the same motif as The Darkest Of Wings and The Other Side
~ English is not my native language so excuse any crappiness and/or mistakes!
Crossposted at@spn-ruby,wincest-free,spn-fanficspn-gen,sam-ruby, supportsamruby,moon-hunters, daysofthereaper,spn-fics
ABSENCE OF SOUL
{She wears a butterfly on her wrist
But she might as well cut it's head off
She's holding out for weapons to kill the ghost inside
Or at least kill the thought she has of killing her mind
she says "I love you" with her hands, she says "I hate you" with her eyes}
So, you go to bed though you cannot sleep.
So, you keep thinking though this isn’t going to get any easier.
You keep eating and drinking, sustaining a body that has only circumstantial importance to you.
You keep walking when you want to run. Run away and never look back .
And you keep silent when you want to scream your lungs out.
Everything is so loud and so silent at the same time, like you are both racing and stalling, grown numb.
You think if you touch it, it’s gonna get real.
Yourself, this body, him.
So, you go on living, even though you are dead and you have been so; for centuries…
You have seen a lot with more different sets of eyes than you can count.
You have been around too long to ignore the signs and they are clear and undeniable.
Lucifer is coming and Lillith is to blame.
When you lay helpless in hell and in pain, bleeding, did you think about that?
When the pain was so unbearable that your eyes cried out your existence did you still have faith?
Did you believe when you wailed for them , your torturers, to stop?
Did you hold hope as they butchered your borrowed body?
Did you hope that even if Lucifer ascended, he’d show you the mercy you so long for, despite everything?
And wouldn’t he be confused?
What is he to deduct from your actions, Ruby?
You change your mind fat too often. You have never been really happy, not once, so why does misery sound so different?
If your eyes are black, why are you so afraid of darkness?
Why are you so afraid of seeing the earth charred and the sky as dark as your visions?
Aren't you a demon? Don’t you want your kind to thrive?
Oh, right. I forgot. You are partly human. You are not entirely demonic, but what is a demon exactly?
Do you think you are only a demon in the confines of hell? Is there a switch you can turn on and off? You know better than that...
Don’t you know by now that blackness resides in the absence of compassion?
In the absence of soul?
And when did you lose yours, Ruby?
Was your compassion the first thing you shed when people showed you none?
And when did you lose your soul?
Was it when you willingly wished for someone's ill?
How does that make you stand out? It's a bit dull and unoriginal, you have to admit...
{There's a pretty girl somewhere, with a pretty name
But I could never let you know how much this means
I swear we'll end this war, cause we both know
It wasn't worth fighting for}
Don’t you know all men get angry and mad sometimes, wishing for someone’s death or misfortune?
And weren’t you one of the lucky ones if your wishes were granted?
When did you start considering this demonic grace misguided or unwanted?
Was it not you, the one who laughed when you got your way?
Was it not you that rejoiced at the sight of blood spilt?
And of what you’ve gathered so far, what makes you think you can change your mind now?
Do you want forgiveness? Do you want absolution?
Is that what this is all about?
What effect did Sam Winchester have on you?
It was dark when you fist saw him, hidden in the shadow of the moon, curious to find out more about the miraculous boy with the Demon Blood.
You had just broken out of your prison and you joined the others into following the Winchester brothers.
At first you thought they were ordinary and if they were still alive, it must have been out of pure luck.
But then, you looked more closely and the truth blinded you.
Your eyes accustomed to constant darkness almost caught fire in its light.
Oh yes, it was dark, pitch black but still you distinguished the light in his soul did you not?
You were used to seeing flickers of light, but not in the presence of such evil around you.
Everything you had seen, everything you had witnessed...They were merely flickers of light that died out consumed by darkness until you saw his light.
It was bright and powerful yet the blackness around it was intact.
Blackness bestowed to him by one of your kind and it made you wonder how that boy could do it.
What an extraordinary nature he must possess in order to be able to harbour this evil within him but have his goodness prevail.
It made your head throb for answers.
If he could do it, could you do it too?
You knew you had some part of light in you.
Why couldn’t you let it shine?
Was it just a matter of nature?
Were you just too malicious to help yourself or was it lack of bravery and perseverance?
{I wear God's name up by my wrist but she might as well tear my skin off
She's letting go convictions, to release the ghost inside
To release all the suffering of a cross and a girl
I sing "I love you" way too much, so I'll say "I hate you" for tonight}
For centuries you have dreamt about it.
Freedom, independence, the liberty to make your own decisions unaffected by anyone.
But it was just in theory, the light at the end of a very long tunnel that perhaps extended even more than your demonic lifespan could allow.
You were “you” and have always been, alone and lonely, till you saw them live in the “we”. They were united as one.
You figured if these two boys could still fight and look forward and be optimistic, even though the end was coming, then maybe you could get another chance, as well...
Βut what is there, Ruby?
What is there In the absence of soul?
Isn’t there emptiness? Isn’t there despair?
Isn’t there pointlessness?
Isn’t the void the only thing there?
And what did you fill that blank space with, Ruby?
Aren’t you still hollow? What did you replace your soul with?
What does even compare?
What could possibly go where your soul once was?
”Him” you mouth and it is almost unwillingly. Your lips form the word before you can stop them.
Just a slit of your traitorous skin betraying you, life you don’t recognize as your own stemming from them.
You don't know why you couldn't control them. These lips...
Then again you already feel like you are out of control,so it's not a big shock..
It's only a little disaster that you should speak your mind.
But you are actually out of your mind if you think he feels the same, right?
Seriously, you don't believe he will be there for you...
But now you said it out loud. It's out in the open. It's real. You made it real.
And somehow you are disappointed Sam is not there to witness your epiphany.
What difference would it make, though? Would he care?
Would he dare look close enough? Would he dare look in you and through you?
Or would he recoil disgusted once he came into contact with your true colors and your true nature? The demonic one, the one you can't hide or renounce no mater how hard you try?
Because let's face it, Ruby, what is there in the absence of soul?
What is there inside of you, if your soul has fled?
There's him inside of you, you think.
Inside your mind, your heart, your chest, your whole body.
Only him and it has proven to be enough, because he is the only thing you need to go on every day and every night, when there was a time you had given up, succumbing to cynicism and the fatalism that loomed over you throughout your whole existence.
But now there's only him.
His smile, his voice, his muscular arms around your body, his eyes on you and you feel safe, warm, elevated.
Almost not demonic anymore.
You feel almost human.
Yes you dare think it and though the concept in itself is absurd and you sense a giggle rising up your throat, you stifle it because indeed the sensation is there.
You feel like the way you felt centuries ago, when you were still very much carnal instead of the dark mist you are today.
But you had your humanity ripped out of you once hell's torments etched their curse on your skin, indelibly like a tattoo and even deeper beneath the surface, on the fine fabric of the soul you still maintained, till it got worn too thin, till it got worn to non-existence.
{She, she said to me I will be driving in the wrong direction
Did you ever think, that maybe your life,
Is heading in the wrong direction, baby}
And this newly found feeling makes everything right, doesn't it?
So what, if you are a stain in this room, in the room you share with him?
What if you are a stain in every room?
So what, if you are supposed to be an abomination, a travesty in the eyes of God?
Sam makes you feel wanted, semi-normal, almost deserving of attention and respect.
And in the absence of soul, in the absence of your soul, something different springs.
Something different than nothingness. Something different than despair.
Something none of you ever expected, but it's still welcome.
And what springs is caring. What blooms is love.
Love like no other.
Not like a human would love... Obviously..
Not like a demon would love either, if this were possible.
But something in between.
Something; only someone in between can give.
And in the absence of soul and in the shadow of damnation, you dare smile.
You smile and it's both a blaspheme and a prayer, because you it seems you are loyal to no one.
No single side, good or evil and not to yourself either.
But you seem to be loyal only to him and the acceptance he brings.
Sam, your savior.
A tainted human saving a hesitant demon... A blaspheme and a prayer, indeed.
A contradiction like yourself, because how can you claim to be righteous when you are hell's spawn?
And how can you claim to be malignant, if you have escaped hell's claws and malice is not in your thoughts?
A contradiction, indeed.
A challenge perhaps, since you have to prove yourself everyday to him, to them , to everyone.
But you were always up for any challenge and this maybe your downfall.
But challenges and riddles are your forte, for you are one of them and in the absence of soul, you know you can do it...
{There's a cross up on the wall
See from the corner of your eye
When you're down on your knees
And she's begging please
So go and lay back down tonight
Because you won't know who you are
Until you're down on your knees
And you're begging please}
~ Fin ~
If you enjoyed this, also try:
1)The Darkest Of Wings - A Ruby/Sam Fic - [1/1]
2)This Is How You Fall - A Ruby Fic - [1]
3)The Other Side - A Ruby Fic - [1/1]
4)Bleed The Skies - A Sam/Evil!Sam Fic - [1/1]
Comments found Here