Bury Me Tonight - Chuck/Blair - Blair POV - Part 1/1 - Complete
Title: Bury Me Tonight
Author: force-oblique
Rating: G, PG
Disclaimer: I dont own anything! :P
Characters/Pairings: Chuck/Blair - mention of Nate
Spoilers/Warnings: It's kind of vague but everything up to 1x13
Word Count: 1844
Summary: It is an emotional take on the last scene of Chuck/Blair in episode 1x13
Author's Notes:This is my fourth Gossip Girl fiction, my first Blair POV fic and English is not my native language, so please don't hate me if it sucks, which it totally does because I'm not sure I have captured Blair that well...:(
Dedication: This fic is dedicated to yourstrulytessa. She knows why :D
Lyrics: "The Kill (Bury Me)" 30 Seconds To Mars
Bury Me Tonight
She had come there with high expectations, hope and longing lingering inside of her.
She knew she had not always treated him the way he deserved but this was all going to change.
Nate hadn't turned out to be the man she thought he was.
Ignoring his own mistakes, he had crucified her, turned his back on her despite everything he had put her through....
Always making her feel like she was trying too hard...
That she wasn't good enough...
That he wasn't interested enough to put her fears to rest...
{Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you}
And this denial, this rejection, however hypocritical it may have been, at least it had opened her eyes...
At least it had opened her eyes to the fact that the one she really loved was Chuck.
The only one who had fallen in love with her, just the way she was...
Never trying to change her...
Oh yes she had hopes....
But she would make him work for it...
Because that was their game...
"Just like you wanted..." she tells him...
"i have no one left to turn to but you"
“Actually, you don’t even have me” Chuck’s words resound in her ears and she momentarily closes her eyes, trying to contain the aching in her heart.
Her last refuge, her only safe harbor wasn’t hers anymore. It wasn’t there anymore. Maybe it never had been.
{What if I wanted to break
Laugh it all off in your face
What would you do?
What if i fell to the floor?
Couldn'd take this anymore
What would you do,do,do?}
Maybe this had all been nothing but a twisted game to him. A way to implement his idea of fun.
Her lip had already started to quiver, tears welling in her eyes.
Tears she would never let him see.
“Enough” she mouthed incredulously.
This is only a game. Only a game. One of his games and in a moment he will just take me in his arms and tell me we will fight this together she thinks trying to convince herself. Hanging on to the last bits of her sanity.
Because this wasn’t sane. It wasn’t real. It couldn’t be.
It felt like watching a movie.
A film with an ending too bitter to endure and she was stuck in the scene where the knight in shining armor took off his helmet showing off just how fierce he could be, tearing his damsel into pieces.
{What if I wanted to fight
Beg for the rest of my life
What would you do? (do,do)
You say you wanted more
What are you waiting for?
I'm not running from you}
Her fairytale had turned into tragedy, parody even….
But if she could stay like this, still, immobile, couldn’t it be like pressing “pause”?
Couldn’t things remain the way they were before this awful day?
If “rewind” wasn’t possible, couldn’t “pause” do the trick?
Blair gasped for air, picturing her life in a constant “pause”, in a constant agony for retrieving the things she had lost, knowing it would never be possible.
Not after this. Not after listening to his flat, chill tone.
“I’ll try to be more succinct” he shouts and he is not just succinct, he is abrupt and cold in a way he had never been before.
His lips, the lips that tasted of sweet sin only days before, sent her to hell in one brutal second.
This cant be happening she tells herself again and again. Knowing that her defenses have already crumbled all around her as if they were a castle made of sand and the merciless sea that was Chuck coming in waves had destroyed it completely, coming and going at a steady rhythm, always taking a piece of her in the process.
But when his eyes burn into hers, she can feel the venom infecting her, like a disease, slipping through cracks in her armor and into all her previously guarded places…
Her heart… Her soul…
{Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you}
“You held a certain fascination” he says again, seemingly oblivious to the irrevocable damage he causes. Not caring about her feelings.
She wants to yell at him, slap him , do anything to turn this anguish, this pain she feels gnawing at her insides into something with the potential to hurt him as much as he is hurting her with every cold stare, every chilling word but she knows it is in vain…
He looks like a statue, standing still, untouched, unaffected, unfeeling…
As if he were made out of stone.
And Blair knows she can’t hurt stone.
Not with her clenched fists, not with her words - even the most horrible ones- and certainly not with the tears she stubbornly refuses to reveal.
No, she can’t hurt stone, nor can she move it or appeal to it. It is as if looking at another person.
This man cant be the man she’s fallen in love with.
{Come break me down
Break me down
Break me down
What if I wanted to break?}
But Blair knows that she has no one to blame but herself.
She has pushed him too far, she has tested her limits one too many times and deep inside she knew from the start that she would end up destroying the one good thing in her life.
The only person who had seen her in her true colors and didn’t back down.
Didn’t he know what that felt like?
He had seen the good and the bad in her and he had remained by her side, fighting for her along the way. Even fighting her battles for her.
Her mind raced to Nate. He had forsaken her too, even though he had always felt so comforting so reliable, so familiar like her favorite pillow, always there to lean on or lie in when she wanted to cry.
But that is what pillows are for.
Being there, unmoving, constant but unable to provide any real comfort or reciprocate feelings.
She thought she loved him and that he loved her back, but it seemed that he had no faith in her either…
But maybe that is what Nate had been for her.
The place she had to spend her time until she found what her heart really longed for…Chuck…
Before him, it felt as if she were in limbo, trapped in between worlds, trapped in between her true self and who she was trying to be, more to please others than to please herself.
And just as she was waking up, believing it would be just like in her dream, she had snapped out of her trance and into reality.
A reality in which cruelty and suffering were the only truth.
She wanted to tell him that she loved him and watch his face till the harsh lines of his mouth would soften and dissolve into the sly grin she liked so much, because it was so him.
She wanted to open her arms, cover the distance between them and wrap them around him so tightly that his heart would stop just like her own.
{I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
I know now, this is who I really am inside
Finally found myself
Fighting for a chance
I know now, this is who I really am}
But standing there in front of him, his jaw tightened, his hand clenched around his glass of whiskey on ice- ice he resembled almost to perfection - she could find nothing to say. The words hitched in the back of her throat.
“You held a certain fascination when you were beautiful, delicate and untouched” Chuck kept hammering at her heart, making her feel suffocated, drained…desolate.
Was that what she was to him? A fascination, an infatuation not strong or deep enough to last more than a few weeks?
Was she the only one to be touched with the magic of their chemistry? Was she the only one who thought that together they almost attained what alchemists have been failing to achieve for centuries?
Was she the only one who thought that when he touched her and when she touched him, everything around them turned into gold, all rainbows and butterflies?
”But now you are like one of the Arabians my father used to own…” he starts and she can’t look away.
She knows he will keep hurting her, he will keep tearing her down, killing her little by little, but she can’t look away from his face that she loves, his eyes that avoid her, his mouth that spreads death and despair.
She will remain there, enduring it without a word, without blinking, no matter how broken she feels inside, no matter how lost she will be without him.
But still she hopes. She is hoping he will take it all back.
{What if I wanted to fight
Beg for the rest of my life
What would you do? (do,do)
You say you wanted more
What are you waiting for?
I'm not running from you}
He will look in her eyes and he will remember what they’ve shared. Something so precious, something so beautiful can’t be but mutual, undeniable…
Yet, there he is. Still talking, showing her how wrong she is…
”Rode hard and put away wet”
Her chest is burning with agony, her eyes are like black holes. Like he has sucked all life out of them, as if his malice has caused the light in them fade but she doubts he cares enough to notice.
Was that all she was to him?
Just another conquest?
Just another notch in his belt?
Just another “tick” in his phonebook?
{Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you,you, you
Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you}
Could it be so simple? Could she have been so wrong?
Could he be such a perfect actor?
But even as an actor, you can only fake your feelings. Can you fake love, can you fake paradise?
Can you fake being someone’s soul mate?
To her mind it didn’t appear possible, to her already sinking heart though, it felt like the perfect explanation.
”I don’t want you anymore” he tells her and God his face is straight.
Not something she’d like to remember, but God it’s straight and it seemed that the only one having this all messed up in her heart was her and her alone.
It was her mistaking his interest for love.
It was her misinterpreting his lust for genuine passion and devotion.
It was only her hoping his inciting whispers were something more than foreplay…
”I don’t want you anymore and I can’t see why anyone else would”
There it was… The final nail in her coffin.
So come and bury me…. Bury me tonight, Chuck”
Blair thinks and momentarily she is angry at Chuck, at the world but most importantly at herself for believing that there would be something other than hurt, pain and humiliation for her, just because she was a Waldorf.
Just because she has been told that princesses always get a happy ending.
Just because for once, she had decided to give her whole, to give him everything from her heart, her soul, risking everything in the process.
But this had all been an act, a play, a charade and he had played his part perfectly.
He could bring Oscar-winning actors to shame.
And her?
Oh, she must have been perfect too. The perfect toy, the perfect pawn, the perfect marionette.
His own very puppet on a string, only he held.
So was he proud? Had everything gone according to his plans with her the ideal candidate for this inhuman orchestration of a romance?
It started becoming clear to Blair now that the only moment he was close to his true nature had been at the ball with the red mask of Lucifer on.
No wonder he felt at ease with that, because it was the perfect excuse to keep the mask he already had on, hidden, concealed.
Her head is spinning, her heart is fractured, its pieces trapped somewhere from the lump in her throat to the knot in her stomach and she doesn’t dare breathe or speak because if she opens her mouth only sobs and cries will come out.
Lamentations and pieces of her soul trying to break free of the torment they had just been condemned to.
{What if I wanted to fight
Beg for the rest of my life
What would you do? (do,do)
You say you wanted more
What are you waiting for?
I'm not running from you}
So she says nothing. His eyes are not on her, so she doubts he would notice if she cried, but she refuses to give him the pleasure.
He has taken enough of her. Her dignity is something she will keep no matter how she’s dying inside.
She only wishes he will be the one to bury her as she will slowly slip away to nonexistence.
Because without him, nothing has the power to keep her in this world.
So come and bury me, Chuck. Bury me tonight…
Come and bury me because I want your eyes, your face, your tormenting smirk to be the last thing I see in this world.
Even in death, even in cruelty, you still are the simple most haunting and unforgettable thing I have ever seen…..
Bury me tonight…..
{Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you
Come break me down
Bury me, bury me}
~ Fin ~
~ Other Chuck/Blair Fiction:
*Letters You Will Never Get- [1] [2]
*This Toy Is Broken- [1]
*How Many Butterflies Can Fit In A Goodbye - [1] [2]
Comments Found Here
Author: force-oblique
Rating: G, PG
Disclaimer: I dont own anything! :P
Characters/Pairings: Chuck/Blair - mention of Nate
Spoilers/Warnings: It's kind of vague but everything up to 1x13
Word Count: 1844
Summary: It is an emotional take on the last scene of Chuck/Blair in episode 1x13
Author's Notes:This is my fourth Gossip Girl fiction, my first Blair POV fic and English is not my native language, so please don't hate me if it sucks, which it totally does because I'm not sure I have captured Blair that well...:(
Dedication: This fic is dedicated to yourstrulytessa. She knows why :D
Lyrics: "The Kill (Bury Me)" 30 Seconds To Mars
Bury Me Tonight
She had come there with high expectations, hope and longing lingering inside of her.
She knew she had not always treated him the way he deserved but this was all going to change.
Nate hadn't turned out to be the man she thought he was.
Ignoring his own mistakes, he had crucified her, turned his back on her despite everything he had put her through....
Always making her feel like she was trying too hard...
That she wasn't good enough...
That he wasn't interested enough to put her fears to rest...
{Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you}
And this denial, this rejection, however hypocritical it may have been, at least it had opened her eyes...
At least it had opened her eyes to the fact that the one she really loved was Chuck.
The only one who had fallen in love with her, just the way she was...
Never trying to change her...
Oh yes she had hopes....
But she would make him work for it...
Because that was their game...
"Just like you wanted..." she tells him...
"i have no one left to turn to but you"
“Actually, you don’t even have me” Chuck’s words resound in her ears and she momentarily closes her eyes, trying to contain the aching in her heart.
Her last refuge, her only safe harbor wasn’t hers anymore. It wasn’t there anymore. Maybe it never had been.
{What if I wanted to break
Laugh it all off in your face
What would you do?
What if i fell to the floor?
Couldn'd take this anymore
What would you do,do,do?}
Maybe this had all been nothing but a twisted game to him. A way to implement his idea of fun.
Her lip had already started to quiver, tears welling in her eyes.
Tears she would never let him see.
“Enough” she mouthed incredulously.
This is only a game. Only a game. One of his games and in a moment he will just take me in his arms and tell me we will fight this together she thinks trying to convince herself. Hanging on to the last bits of her sanity.
Because this wasn’t sane. It wasn’t real. It couldn’t be.
It felt like watching a movie.
A film with an ending too bitter to endure and she was stuck in the scene where the knight in shining armor took off his helmet showing off just how fierce he could be, tearing his damsel into pieces.
{What if I wanted to fight
Beg for the rest of my life
What would you do? (do,do)
You say you wanted more
What are you waiting for?
I'm not running from you}
Her fairytale had turned into tragedy, parody even….
But if she could stay like this, still, immobile, couldn’t it be like pressing “pause”?
Couldn’t things remain the way they were before this awful day?
If “rewind” wasn’t possible, couldn’t “pause” do the trick?
Blair gasped for air, picturing her life in a constant “pause”, in a constant agony for retrieving the things she had lost, knowing it would never be possible.
Not after this. Not after listening to his flat, chill tone.
“I’ll try to be more succinct” he shouts and he is not just succinct, he is abrupt and cold in a way he had never been before.
His lips, the lips that tasted of sweet sin only days before, sent her to hell in one brutal second.
This cant be happening she tells herself again and again. Knowing that her defenses have already crumbled all around her as if they were a castle made of sand and the merciless sea that was Chuck coming in waves had destroyed it completely, coming and going at a steady rhythm, always taking a piece of her in the process.
But when his eyes burn into hers, she can feel the venom infecting her, like a disease, slipping through cracks in her armor and into all her previously guarded places…
Her heart… Her soul…
{Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you}
“You held a certain fascination” he says again, seemingly oblivious to the irrevocable damage he causes. Not caring about her feelings.
She wants to yell at him, slap him , do anything to turn this anguish, this pain she feels gnawing at her insides into something with the potential to hurt him as much as he is hurting her with every cold stare, every chilling word but she knows it is in vain…
He looks like a statue, standing still, untouched, unaffected, unfeeling…
As if he were made out of stone.
And Blair knows she can’t hurt stone.
Not with her clenched fists, not with her words - even the most horrible ones- and certainly not with the tears she stubbornly refuses to reveal.
No, she can’t hurt stone, nor can she move it or appeal to it. It is as if looking at another person.
This man cant be the man she’s fallen in love with.
{Come break me down
Break me down
Break me down
What if I wanted to break?}
But Blair knows that she has no one to blame but herself.
She has pushed him too far, she has tested her limits one too many times and deep inside she knew from the start that she would end up destroying the one good thing in her life.
The only person who had seen her in her true colors and didn’t back down.
Didn’t he know what that felt like?
He had seen the good and the bad in her and he had remained by her side, fighting for her along the way. Even fighting her battles for her.
Her mind raced to Nate. He had forsaken her too, even though he had always felt so comforting so reliable, so familiar like her favorite pillow, always there to lean on or lie in when she wanted to cry.
But that is what pillows are for.
Being there, unmoving, constant but unable to provide any real comfort or reciprocate feelings.
She thought she loved him and that he loved her back, but it seemed that he had no faith in her either…
But maybe that is what Nate had been for her.
The place she had to spend her time until she found what her heart really longed for…Chuck…
Before him, it felt as if she were in limbo, trapped in between worlds, trapped in between her true self and who she was trying to be, more to please others than to please herself.
And just as she was waking up, believing it would be just like in her dream, she had snapped out of her trance and into reality.
A reality in which cruelty and suffering were the only truth.
She wanted to tell him that she loved him and watch his face till the harsh lines of his mouth would soften and dissolve into the sly grin she liked so much, because it was so him.
She wanted to open her arms, cover the distance between them and wrap them around him so tightly that his heart would stop just like her own.
{I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
I know now, this is who I really am inside
Finally found myself
Fighting for a chance
I know now, this is who I really am}
But standing there in front of him, his jaw tightened, his hand clenched around his glass of whiskey on ice- ice he resembled almost to perfection - she could find nothing to say. The words hitched in the back of her throat.
“You held a certain fascination when you were beautiful, delicate and untouched” Chuck kept hammering at her heart, making her feel suffocated, drained…desolate.
Was that what she was to him? A fascination, an infatuation not strong or deep enough to last more than a few weeks?
Was she the only one to be touched with the magic of their chemistry? Was she the only one who thought that together they almost attained what alchemists have been failing to achieve for centuries?
Was she the only one who thought that when he touched her and when she touched him, everything around them turned into gold, all rainbows and butterflies?
”But now you are like one of the Arabians my father used to own…” he starts and she can’t look away.
She knows he will keep hurting her, he will keep tearing her down, killing her little by little, but she can’t look away from his face that she loves, his eyes that avoid her, his mouth that spreads death and despair.
She will remain there, enduring it without a word, without blinking, no matter how broken she feels inside, no matter how lost she will be without him.
But still she hopes. She is hoping he will take it all back.
{What if I wanted to fight
Beg for the rest of my life
What would you do? (do,do)
You say you wanted more
What are you waiting for?
I'm not running from you}
He will look in her eyes and he will remember what they’ve shared. Something so precious, something so beautiful can’t be but mutual, undeniable…
Yet, there he is. Still talking, showing her how wrong she is…
”Rode hard and put away wet”
Her chest is burning with agony, her eyes are like black holes. Like he has sucked all life out of them, as if his malice has caused the light in them fade but she doubts he cares enough to notice.
Was that all she was to him?
Just another conquest?
Just another notch in his belt?
Just another “tick” in his phonebook?
{Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you,you, you
Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you}
Could it be so simple? Could she have been so wrong?
Could he be such a perfect actor?
But even as an actor, you can only fake your feelings. Can you fake love, can you fake paradise?
Can you fake being someone’s soul mate?
To her mind it didn’t appear possible, to her already sinking heart though, it felt like the perfect explanation.
”I don’t want you anymore” he tells her and God his face is straight.
Not something she’d like to remember, but God it’s straight and it seemed that the only one having this all messed up in her heart was her and her alone.
It was her mistaking his interest for love.
It was her misinterpreting his lust for genuine passion and devotion.
It was only her hoping his inciting whispers were something more than foreplay…
”I don’t want you anymore and I can’t see why anyone else would”
There it was… The final nail in her coffin.
So come and bury me…. Bury me tonight, Chuck”
Blair thinks and momentarily she is angry at Chuck, at the world but most importantly at herself for believing that there would be something other than hurt, pain and humiliation for her, just because she was a Waldorf.
Just because she has been told that princesses always get a happy ending.
Just because for once, she had decided to give her whole, to give him everything from her heart, her soul, risking everything in the process.
But this had all been an act, a play, a charade and he had played his part perfectly.
He could bring Oscar-winning actors to shame.
And her?
Oh, she must have been perfect too. The perfect toy, the perfect pawn, the perfect marionette.
His own very puppet on a string, only he held.
So was he proud? Had everything gone according to his plans with her the ideal candidate for this inhuman orchestration of a romance?
It started becoming clear to Blair now that the only moment he was close to his true nature had been at the ball with the red mask of Lucifer on.
No wonder he felt at ease with that, because it was the perfect excuse to keep the mask he already had on, hidden, concealed.
Her head is spinning, her heart is fractured, its pieces trapped somewhere from the lump in her throat to the knot in her stomach and she doesn’t dare breathe or speak because if she opens her mouth only sobs and cries will come out.
Lamentations and pieces of her soul trying to break free of the torment they had just been condemned to.
{What if I wanted to fight
Beg for the rest of my life
What would you do? (do,do)
You say you wanted more
What are you waiting for?
I'm not running from you}
So she says nothing. His eyes are not on her, so she doubts he would notice if she cried, but she refuses to give him the pleasure.
He has taken enough of her. Her dignity is something she will keep no matter how she’s dying inside.
She only wishes he will be the one to bury her as she will slowly slip away to nonexistence.
Because without him, nothing has the power to keep her in this world.
So come and bury me, Chuck. Bury me tonight…
Come and bury me because I want your eyes, your face, your tormenting smirk to be the last thing I see in this world.
Even in death, even in cruelty, you still are the simple most haunting and unforgettable thing I have ever seen…..
Bury me tonight…..
{Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you
Come break me down
Bury me, bury me}
~ Fin ~
~ Other Chuck/Blair Fiction:
*Letters You Will Never Get- [1] [2]
*This Toy Is Broken- [1]
*How Many Butterflies Can Fit In A Goodbye - [1] [2]
Comments Found Here