Safe
Life is full of mixed emotions, and now I know that.
How can one be so extremely joyful over something as vainly simple as being noticed by someone you care about? But there I was, in complete ecstasy over being asked out by Boy, who I have been wishing after for years. I was completely beside myself for an entire week, my emotions at their peak. I wish he knew how happy he made me, how happy he still makes me. And then, of course, the conflicts started.
One argument gnaws at me, then another. The confident cooing of my heart telling me that he would not have asked me if he did not want to be with me. Then, a low pitch intruding from the background, asking, what if someone better comes along and he regrets you? What if Boy only approached me because he knew I would say yes? Is his fear of rejection strong enough to break me? Could I live with myself if I ruin it all? Doubt and an ever-present anxiety push away the initial joy and start to overcome me. Once again, I have destroyed a good thing in my life. When will I learn to just… be?
Today, I opened my shell. I talked earnestly to two of whom in which I never would have considered confiding. They welcomed me, they did not chastise me, they comforted me and shared their own stories. How wonderful it is to know that you are not alone in this cruel world.
Girl spoke of sexual abuse. I sympathised, and told my own story. I spoke of anger, an eating disorder, of substance and sexual abuse. Girls offered pity and support. Never before have I witnessed such pure honesty and such welcoming refuge. I know my stories are safe with them. Girl told of neglect, girl told of being left out of her family. My heart broke and went out to her. I know her pain. I have never related like this before. Things that have not for years been said came out today, and a burden has been lifted. I am relieved.
I made two friends today, two friends that I know I am safe with. Safe. It is a strange feeling on your skin, like warm cotton. Seeing again their faces, and how they did not avert their eyes from my own, how they did not look upon me differently, how they did not judge or scorn me for my terrible, terrible decision. Today I saw the love of God in them. We shared with one another how Christ has taken our pain for us. I am safe.
If only I could learn to be safely secure within myself. If only I could take away the anxieties in my heart and in my mind and put them all to rest- if I could put Boy in perspective. But for now I shall have to rest peacefully in the fact that today I have found new refuge in others and in God.