Lost so much time.
I lost so much time thinking of myself as a girl. I'll never be happy.
I guess this is because I'm gay. Now I know not all gay guys act feminine but there must be a reason why some do...I feel like it's because they identify with being a woman.
I wasted so much time that I lost the girl that I liked. I became so depressed after that. I never had any friends in high school where you are supposed to find yourself. I lost myself. I had thought I was a girl for so long instead of focusing on other things. I kept thinking I was doing things that were making me happy but only for that moment. Afterwards now I regret it all. I wasted time thinking I was a girl only to be empty and alone.
I should have spent this time with people I loved and at that time one person in particular. Family and just going out and enjoying life, as in nature and sports. Something besides staying home and on the computer. So much time spent doing girl things that later I didn't even care about anymore. Like I watched these shows saying how I'd always love them, nope as I grew up I stopped caring. I didn't even give a shit anymore. I spent so much time on things and they didn't even matter at the end. The one person that did I've lost her. Maybe she never liked me back but I wish I would have at least told her. I wish I would have done more things in life than let it pass me by. I never understood that life can just pass you by like that.
I've wasted it thinking I was a girl. In the end I gained nothing. I lost the one person who I cared about. I lost a life full of memories to one full of regrets.
Maybe I'm just not normal. I know I'm the only one that feels this way. I told my mom but the more I told her how much I knew this and that I realized I hated everything I've done.
I don't believe in destiny. I only believe in choices. The choices I've made were all bad. It's one thing to do things you truly think are right and just not doing them for whatever other reason, fear, seclusion.
Soon that girl I like might get married and every time I just headaches seeing how I lost her. I hate the guy she's with. I think out of all the regrets she's now the top of the list.
I know it's not healthy but I keep on thinking of what could have been. We'd be married yadda, yadda, kids, grandparents. All the things I didn't think about before is now the things I only think about. All the friend I've met since my regret have been okay. The girls I know are either nothing like her nice, or completely negative.
I guess that's always been something I wanted to blame on someone for being so confused about who I was. Or rather I thought of myself as a girl but slowly I realized I was wasting my time. In the end I'd never go through with transitioning and it would never make me feel complete. I wasn't searching for happiness but only what made me happy at that moment. The thought of being a girl was what made me happy for the moment. My actual happines I realized was to be with someone I love. That person I've yet to encounter. Well I had but then again she could have easily not felt the same. Okay I don't know what's the purpose of this post.
I guess this is because I'm gay. Now I know not all gay guys act feminine but there must be a reason why some do...I feel like it's because they identify with being a woman.
I wasted so much time that I lost the girl that I liked. I became so depressed after that. I never had any friends in high school where you are supposed to find yourself. I lost myself. I had thought I was a girl for so long instead of focusing on other things. I kept thinking I was doing things that were making me happy but only for that moment. Afterwards now I regret it all. I wasted time thinking I was a girl only to be empty and alone.
I should have spent this time with people I loved and at that time one person in particular. Family and just going out and enjoying life, as in nature and sports. Something besides staying home and on the computer. So much time spent doing girl things that later I didn't even care about anymore. Like I watched these shows saying how I'd always love them, nope as I grew up I stopped caring. I didn't even give a shit anymore. I spent so much time on things and they didn't even matter at the end. The one person that did I've lost her. Maybe she never liked me back but I wish I would have at least told her. I wish I would have done more things in life than let it pass me by. I never understood that life can just pass you by like that.
I've wasted it thinking I was a girl. In the end I gained nothing. I lost the one person who I cared about. I lost a life full of memories to one full of regrets.
Maybe I'm just not normal. I know I'm the only one that feels this way. I told my mom but the more I told her how much I knew this and that I realized I hated everything I've done.
I don't believe in destiny. I only believe in choices. The choices I've made were all bad. It's one thing to do things you truly think are right and just not doing them for whatever other reason, fear, seclusion.
Soon that girl I like might get married and every time I just headaches seeing how I lost her. I hate the guy she's with. I think out of all the regrets she's now the top of the list.
I know it's not healthy but I keep on thinking of what could have been. We'd be married yadda, yadda, kids, grandparents. All the things I didn't think about before is now the things I only think about. All the friend I've met since my regret have been okay. The girls I know are either nothing like her nice, or completely negative.
I guess that's always been something I wanted to blame on someone for being so confused about who I was. Or rather I thought of myself as a girl but slowly I realized I was wasting my time. In the end I'd never go through with transitioning and it would never make me feel complete. I wasn't searching for happiness but only what made me happy at that moment. The thought of being a girl was what made me happy for the moment. My actual happines I realized was to be with someone I love. That person I've yet to encounter. Well I had but then again she could have easily not felt the same. Okay I don't know what's the purpose of this post.