(no subject)
I remember about a month ago or so, I was with a friend hanging out with a guy whose wife just left him. He had come up with a maxim that he kept repeating all night, "fuck. that. bitch. fuck that bitch!" He said it so many times and with such profundity that I have now come to incorporate it into my own consciousness. I am at a point in life where I'm perceptible enough to note the subtleties in conversation yet I'm still naïve enough to be completely confused by them. Women don't make any sense. I think there's something very attractive about that- they all seem so unique- whereas, male friends are easily forgotten and replaced. But Sirens- so beautifully intriguing and treacherous. And often so puzzled and troubled for intervals of time while I near the folly, I keep finding myself repeat those words- "fuck that bitch." She should have come over for wine. Fuck that bitch. I dwell over a wellful of examples for which have recently caused, on my part, the evocation of those bitter words.
I keep thinking that I missed something in my upbringing. I was raised by a pack of books, a television, and a computer. But weren't we all? Yet everywhere I go, I am always marginalized so much to the outside that I would be risking complete obscurity if I didn't play a fool every once in a while to raise a brow. I have this rotten feeling of being parasitic. No one needs me. And I wish I didn't need anyone- if only I didn't depend on them for my survival. Here I am socializing and surrounding myself with people- not because I want to- but just for the sake of doing it. When this is realized, everything suddenly descends into that purgatory realm of the 'awkward'. I speak words when I'd rather not say anything and I say things that have no meaning or that I don't really mean. Waiting. I'm not really here. I know you see this. I know this is why you don't really want to see me. You see that I'm just going through the motions to maintain a sense of normalcy. Really, I want nothing to do with people. Maybe I should just be quiet. Why do I fear obscurity so much? The world won't be loosing anything by my silencing- just another empty voice that can be filled a thousand times over. I am only the parrot of a thousand other voices.
Morning, you have no patience. I have learned mine from drugs. Calm down. Slow down. It's all only going really fast in your head. You're ok. You're acting normally. You just feel differently.
I keep thinking that I missed something in my upbringing. I was raised by a pack of books, a television, and a computer. But weren't we all? Yet everywhere I go, I am always marginalized so much to the outside that I would be risking complete obscurity if I didn't play a fool every once in a while to raise a brow. I have this rotten feeling of being parasitic. No one needs me. And I wish I didn't need anyone- if only I didn't depend on them for my survival. Here I am socializing and surrounding myself with people- not because I want to- but just for the sake of doing it. When this is realized, everything suddenly descends into that purgatory realm of the 'awkward'. I speak words when I'd rather not say anything and I say things that have no meaning or that I don't really mean. Waiting. I'm not really here. I know you see this. I know this is why you don't really want to see me. You see that I'm just going through the motions to maintain a sense of normalcy. Really, I want nothing to do with people. Maybe I should just be quiet. Why do I fear obscurity so much? The world won't be loosing anything by my silencing- just another empty voice that can be filled a thousand times over. I am only the parrot of a thousand other voices.
Morning, you have no patience. I have learned mine from drugs. Calm down. Slow down. It's all only going really fast in your head. You're ok. You're acting normally. You just feel differently.