I am beautifully broken, and i dont mind if you know it, and i cont care if i show it.
So, i know i dont normally write on here but noone in murray reads this and it seems the perfect place to start writing about the feelings i experience while in this hell hole that for sum reason i decided to stay in..
Ok.. so i thought i was doing well.. i got my thoughts collected and decided to stay in murray.. i put a friendship back together and then last nite helped another one get reestablished.. THe only problem is that with both guys.. i still had feelings for them.. but i thought i could get past it because i value their friendship more than the feelings i was experiencing. Well, the first day back to me hanging out wiht one of the guys.. i made a mistake.. for the second time.. and im sure you all knwo what that mistake was.. it jsut made me fall for hima ll over again.. but ive come to find out that he hasnt changed at all since i first met him. ANd i dont care what kind of person he is or what he does with his life.. thats his business.. but i do not need to fall into that trap.. even though ive fallen twice. Now i am moving in with him because we have so much in commona nd we have so much fun together.. but he is jsut ur typical gay guy.. who thinks about sex and thats about it.. maybe thats why his realationship with a certain sumone didnt last.. but thats none of my business either nad i dont care.. i jsut hate the feeling of knowing that sumhow i let myself fall prey to him again.. i dont hate him for it.. i ahte myself..because the first time i blamed him.. because he lured me in.. the second time... it was my fault.. i let it happen.. i knew hte game.. i guess i didnt care.. i was stupid. I aways thought i was smarter than that.. i guess not..so anyway.. i know htere is never a chance of us being together.. ive known that for a long time.. but for sum reason i give into the feelings i have for him.. why do i love the guys that cause me the most pain?? i couldnt make anything work with the sweetest guy id ever met... ive gone for the guys who have used me and htrown me to the side.. and i still liek them.. but i know better than to feel this way about him.. especially if i am moving in with him.. now i have to tell myself that nothing can happen between us ever again.. and if sumthing starts to i ahve to stop it.. i have to be stronger than ive been.. so.. ive decided that i am going to get tested due to the fact of what recently happened and the fact that i never went th efirst time we had sex even though i knew he had been with several guys.. so my friend jordan is gonna go with me.. and then im not having sex with anyone until i am in a real relationship..thats whAT I ALWAYS said i was gonna do anyway.. and yet again.. i went against my jusdgement and became weak and gave in.. cuz i suck.. anyway.. on to guy number 2
Ok.. so guy number 2.. i actually "dated" or whatever we did... but he basically lead me on for a month and a half with his " i like you but i dont want a relationship because im scared shit".. and for a month and a half io went along with it.. i am so pathetic.. then we ended up messing around too.. life is so based on fucking sex.. and its stupid.... anywAY.. WE OF COURSE DIDNT STAY TOGETHER..then he moved on to a new guy in a week.. he treated him like shit.. broke up with him.. and hten a week or 2 later he has feeligns for this other guy.. i was like.. wtf.. i dont even want to talk to him anymore.. i was invite to a party at his apt ladst ntie.. and i made up an excuse not to stay long... well i get there and the guy he likes is there.. well he ends up leaving with another guy.. me and my friend go outside to talk and he asks me to telll him that the other guy is jsut wa whore so he can stop liking him.. i told him i couldnt because i dont know him... so against everythijgn inside of me we continue to talk.. he was like.. he keeps playing with my head.. he'll say he likes me then hes not sure.. and i am thinking.. yeah well .. abstard u did it to me too.. an d then he is like.. but i deserve it i did the same thing to u and i know i hurt you... i was like.. wow .. an apology.. ok.. and hten we went oinside.... he was text messaging the guy who had left.. well he went in his room.. his best friend went in there and tried to talk to him but he wouldnt talk to him..so i went in there.. again against my better jusdgement... so we start talkin.. and he is tellin me how he deserves all this shit and i can see the tears in his eyes and the fact that he is about to break down.. so i try to console him and tell him al this stuff about life.. then he was like.. i know he is gonna be jsut like matt.(the guy i mentioned earlier that i liked) and i know he is fiucking alan right now.. i was like.. well i dont know if him and matt have doen anything..a adn he was like.. ohg he told me they fucked like rabbits.. i was like.. Oh.. and that hit hard.. tahts when iu realized he hadnt changed.. and i realized that jamie was too good of a friend tro lose to sumthing i wasnt letting go of. so i kept trying to help him..
so ive repaired two friendships... and im not sure if i wANTED TO .. maybe the price has been to high for their friendship.. but its too late.. ive already paiod for them and i cant let them go now.. so now i have to pick up my head.. and walk around liek there is nothing wrong.. and i have to be stronger htan ive ever been.. but i am tired of being the strong one.. i have ALWAYs had to be the fuclking strong one.. why me.. i dotn care anymroe..i jsut want everything to go away... why did i stay here?? to help everyone else at my expense.. YES thats my life job.. it always has been.,.. ive always giving up soo much of me in order to help other people.. and ic ant stand it.. UGHh
Ok.. so i thought i was doing well.. i got my thoughts collected and decided to stay in murray.. i put a friendship back together and then last nite helped another one get reestablished.. THe only problem is that with both guys.. i still had feelings for them.. but i thought i could get past it because i value their friendship more than the feelings i was experiencing. Well, the first day back to me hanging out wiht one of the guys.. i made a mistake.. for the second time.. and im sure you all knwo what that mistake was.. it jsut made me fall for hima ll over again.. but ive come to find out that he hasnt changed at all since i first met him. ANd i dont care what kind of person he is or what he does with his life.. thats his business.. but i do not need to fall into that trap.. even though ive fallen twice. Now i am moving in with him because we have so much in commona nd we have so much fun together.. but he is jsut ur typical gay guy.. who thinks about sex and thats about it.. maybe thats why his realationship with a certain sumone didnt last.. but thats none of my business either nad i dont care.. i jsut hate the feeling of knowing that sumhow i let myself fall prey to him again.. i dont hate him for it.. i ahte myself..because the first time i blamed him.. because he lured me in.. the second time... it was my fault.. i let it happen.. i knew hte game.. i guess i didnt care.. i was stupid. I aways thought i was smarter than that.. i guess not..so anyway.. i know htere is never a chance of us being together.. ive known that for a long time.. but for sum reason i give into the feelings i have for him.. why do i love the guys that cause me the most pain?? i couldnt make anything work with the sweetest guy id ever met... ive gone for the guys who have used me and htrown me to the side.. and i still liek them.. but i know better than to feel this way about him.. especially if i am moving in with him.. now i have to tell myself that nothing can happen between us ever again.. and if sumthing starts to i ahve to stop it.. i have to be stronger than ive been.. so.. ive decided that i am going to get tested due to the fact of what recently happened and the fact that i never went th efirst time we had sex even though i knew he had been with several guys.. so my friend jordan is gonna go with me.. and then im not having sex with anyone until i am in a real relationship..thats whAT I ALWAYS said i was gonna do anyway.. and yet again.. i went against my jusdgement and became weak and gave in.. cuz i suck.. anyway.. on to guy number 2
Ok.. so guy number 2.. i actually "dated" or whatever we did... but he basically lead me on for a month and a half with his " i like you but i dont want a relationship because im scared shit".. and for a month and a half io went along with it.. i am so pathetic.. then we ended up messing around too.. life is so based on fucking sex.. and its stupid.... anywAY.. WE OF COURSE DIDNT STAY TOGETHER..then he moved on to a new guy in a week.. he treated him like shit.. broke up with him.. and hten a week or 2 later he has feeligns for this other guy.. i was like.. wtf.. i dont even want to talk to him anymore.. i was invite to a party at his apt ladst ntie.. and i made up an excuse not to stay long... well i get there and the guy he likes is there.. well he ends up leaving with another guy.. me and my friend go outside to talk and he asks me to telll him that the other guy is jsut wa whore so he can stop liking him.. i told him i couldnt because i dont know him... so against everythijgn inside of me we continue to talk.. he was like.. he keeps playing with my head.. he'll say he likes me then hes not sure.. and i am thinking.. yeah well .. abstard u did it to me too.. an d then he is like.. but i deserve it i did the same thing to u and i know i hurt you... i was like.. wow .. an apology.. ok.. and hten we went oinside.... he was text messaging the guy who had left.. well he went in his room.. his best friend went in there and tried to talk to him but he wouldnt talk to him..so i went in there.. again against my better jusdgement... so we start talkin.. and he is tellin me how he deserves all this shit and i can see the tears in his eyes and the fact that he is about to break down.. so i try to console him and tell him al this stuff about life.. then he was like.. i know he is gonna be jsut like matt.(the guy i mentioned earlier that i liked) and i know he is fiucking alan right now.. i was like.. well i dont know if him and matt have doen anything..a adn he was like.. ohg he told me they fucked like rabbits.. i was like.. Oh.. and that hit hard.. tahts when iu realized he hadnt changed.. and i realized that jamie was too good of a friend tro lose to sumthing i wasnt letting go of. so i kept trying to help him..
so ive repaired two friendships... and im not sure if i wANTED TO .. maybe the price has been to high for their friendship.. but its too late.. ive already paiod for them and i cant let them go now.. so now i have to pick up my head.. and walk around liek there is nothing wrong.. and i have to be stronger htan ive ever been.. but i am tired of being the strong one.. i have ALWAYs had to be the fuclking strong one.. why me.. i dotn care anymroe..i jsut want everything to go away... why did i stay here?? to help everyone else at my expense.. YES thats my life job.. it always has been.,.. ive always giving up soo much of me in order to help other people.. and ic ant stand it.. UGHh