*satisfied sigh*
So yesterday, after another tribulation with the bully twins at home, I spent a good long day at Lell's. It was a really good, quiet, relaxing day. Spring has finally begun for me, I'm starting to come out of hibernation and heal the wounds taken over the Winter, and yesterday was a really, really good start. Cause, as most of you know, I got so stressed the other week I almost had a seizure. Serious shit.
Well today we had lots of long discussions in my educational psych course. Really good ones. And at the end of the class I got the opportunity to open up to my teacher and to tell her about my bullying problems at home. I told her all about my suspicions of having PTSD, how I deal with it, what it's been doing to me, and how the past few months have shaped up. It was seriously significant to have her agree with me that I'm not absolutly crazy about my thoughts about my parents (namely of my step mother being a bully and my father being a hardcore victim, and that when I defend myself my Dad becomes a bully because he feels insecure and weak) by her. Why? She's a certified psychologist. She worked with disturbed patients for a living. Thats how I learned I could trust her. And... ah, just the feeling... I feel so much better now that I know I'm not entirely wrong in this and that my upset feelings are there for a reason, not just lololdmemories. My Dad is disabling everything I'm working on by being the victim and letting her get away with the bullshit she's pulling. He CAN get out of it. He KNOWS that things need to end with her. And if he's reading this, which part of me hopes he is, all he needs to do is put his assets in my name and he can leave her without losing everything. He knows I am honorable and loyal to him because he's the one who raised me. The two females in my life have only bullied and abused me. It's him who I respect, love, and look up to for the hard work he's done for me. But by being the victim he's serverely limited himself in his parenting skills and in his capacity for sanity. Just this weekend the van broke down and he cancelled his long awaited trip to Cowtown with the guys. I offered him my car and even told him to listen for the squeaking, nailing two birds with one stone and he was all "QQ Noes, I hafta fix the car and provide for people that don't love me." Bullshit. He should've gone. We were BOTH telling him to go (even though Maryann was offering her car because she could 'take' mine, which, haha, no, not without my permission, and not without a remorseful apology for what you did in January). His victimization really brings us both down. And... It needs to end if he really wants to keep me together with him. If it doesn't I'm just going to drift away. I'm sure he doesn't want that.
I definately feel empowered. And more free than I did before.
She agrees that I need to get out of the house, yesterday. And I do. I'm working on it as quickly as possible, putting long-term plans into place for the next year or two that will gaurentee my getting out.
I feel productive.
I feel alive again.
*sigh*
I feel happy.
Let the righteous (and more importantly, reasonable and sane) retribution begin.
Well today we had lots of long discussions in my educational psych course. Really good ones. And at the end of the class I got the opportunity to open up to my teacher and to tell her about my bullying problems at home. I told her all about my suspicions of having PTSD, how I deal with it, what it's been doing to me, and how the past few months have shaped up. It was seriously significant to have her agree with me that I'm not absolutly crazy about my thoughts about my parents (namely of my step mother being a bully and my father being a hardcore victim, and that when I defend myself my Dad becomes a bully because he feels insecure and weak) by her. Why? She's a certified psychologist. She worked with disturbed patients for a living. Thats how I learned I could trust her. And... ah, just the feeling... I feel so much better now that I know I'm not entirely wrong in this and that my upset feelings are there for a reason, not just lololdmemories. My Dad is disabling everything I'm working on by being the victim and letting her get away with the bullshit she's pulling. He CAN get out of it. He KNOWS that things need to end with her. And if he's reading this, which part of me hopes he is, all he needs to do is put his assets in my name and he can leave her without losing everything. He knows I am honorable and loyal to him because he's the one who raised me. The two females in my life have only bullied and abused me. It's him who I respect, love, and look up to for the hard work he's done for me. But by being the victim he's serverely limited himself in his parenting skills and in his capacity for sanity. Just this weekend the van broke down and he cancelled his long awaited trip to Cowtown with the guys. I offered him my car and even told him to listen for the squeaking, nailing two birds with one stone and he was all "QQ Noes, I hafta fix the car and provide for people that don't love me." Bullshit. He should've gone. We were BOTH telling him to go (even though Maryann was offering her car because she could 'take' mine, which, haha, no, not without my permission, and not without a remorseful apology for what you did in January). His victimization really brings us both down. And... It needs to end if he really wants to keep me together with him. If it doesn't I'm just going to drift away. I'm sure he doesn't want that.
I definately feel empowered. And more free than I did before.
She agrees that I need to get out of the house, yesterday. And I do. I'm working on it as quickly as possible, putting long-term plans into place for the next year or two that will gaurentee my getting out.
I feel productive.
I feel alive again.
*sigh*
I feel happy.
Let the righteous (and more importantly, reasonable and sane) retribution begin.