(no subject)

[soulhaus]

...there is something about the closeness of people that makes me jealous,
it makes me want to be a part of a group, a family, a... something.

and it also makes me want to run away
as fast as possible,
into a little cave
where i'd be happy
to never again see
the light of day.

i feel like i've been dealing with this dichotomy of thought since i was a teenager.

when do i get to figure it out?
when does it stop being something that just tears at my soul,
a tightline i struggle to stand upon, to maintain balance between,
continuously fearful that i'll fall into one or other extreme?

i fear either path will lead to my construction AND destruction,
such ultimate sadness AND joy that i simply would not
be able to process it, would not be able to exist.

so, here i stay. wavering and wobbling in the middle, living a
life of fear instead of one filled with bravado and courage.

O_o

and the only way i know how to get my strength back is to isolate myself,
and in doing that i will never accomplish my goal of developing relationships.

fucked man, it's just... fucked.