Saved draft
I went to post a new entry, and it asked me if I wanted to restore from a saved draft. Seeing as how I hadn't even attempted to post in months, I curiously pressed "yes". I found this below:
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Jordan and I stopped being friends last Saturday. Lacey, JP, Peter, Lauren, Charles, and now Jordan. Like my friend Josh said when I went to Vandalia last, "Ending a friendship is like breaking up. It brings up a lot of memories." And then he correctly guessed that I had been thinking of Lacey.
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It's interesting to find this fledgling entry, because I know I was deeply upset at the time and probably felt like my whole world was crashing down around me (as I so often do). But now, months later, I can read it and remember the pain and, yes, even feel the pain... but not be consumed by it.
That says a lot. To anyone who truly knows me, a hell of a fucking lot. My deep fear of rejection and abandonment causes me to experience the same torture over and over again through failed relationship after failed relationship. I unintentionally destroy relationships with friends and partners because I am so afraid of them hurting me. And each ruined relationship hurts more and more as I am forced to witness the pile of relationships I killed as I place one more, still warm, on top.
And yet, here I am, reading this half-started entry that should rock me to my core and cause at least some sort of lasting depression to arise, and all I feel is a little bit of sadness... and a lot of hope for the future.
I am nowhere near where I want to be. In fact, many of my bad habits have come back with a vengeance... but I am so much better that I almost want to cry in relief. There were many times I thought I was doomed to an existence of pain, destruction, and numbness... and now, for the first time I can remember, I have hope. True hope. Not a glimmer of hope easily vanquished in the vacuum of despair, but a strong, resilient hope that I can make my life better.
I no longer feel like a bystander in the tragic tale of my own life, but like I might actually have some control over it. Not complete control, but at least some kind of meaningful influence.
Now that I feel like I can change my life, I need to map out a plan to actually do it. As cliche as it is, New Years is coming up... and I would like to actually make some resolutions I have a shot at keeping. So, although I might actually revise these before New Year's, here are my tentative resolutions (I'm trying to make them as reasonable and concrete as possible):
- Lose weight and get in shape
+ Plan meals in a two-week block and buy groceries only according to what I planned (include one or two non-healthy meals)
+ Go for a walk at least two days a week
+ Work out at the gym at least once a week
(Note, I know it doesn't seem like enough to get in shape, but I'm hoping I can build from there)
- Improve my financial habits
+ Freaking keep record of what I'm spending in that stupid register thing
+ Budget out my paychecks
+ Keep track of when bills are due on a calendar
- Improve my grades
+ Keep good notes
+ Miss no more than 3 days of class
+ Study notes at least twice a week
+ Begin assignments the day they are assigned, not the day they are due
+ Keep track of due dates on a calendar
- Improve my appearance
+ Budget one new article of clothing each paycheck
+ Keep better care of my clothes (i.e. not throwing them on the floor and washing and putting them up them more promptly)
+ Shower at least every other day (I can't honestly expect to never miss a day of showering... stuff happens)
- Be more neat/clean/orderly
+ Clean room once a week
+ Clean car once a week
+ Create and maintain an organizational system for bills, important papers, etc.
+ Start carrying an agenda, or put an agenda on my iPod (or both)
That seems like a lot to tackle. And I know that I am a perfectionist... if I fail in one area, it's more likely for me to give up completely on all of them. So any suggestions on how to make this more realistic/manageable would be appreciated. If this is way too much to expect from myself, please tell me how you think you would prioritize it. And, if it's perfectly reasonable, feel free to tell me to man up. :)
-----
Jordan and I stopped being friends last Saturday. Lacey, JP, Peter, Lauren, Charles, and now Jordan. Like my friend Josh said when I went to Vandalia last, "Ending a friendship is like breaking up. It brings up a lot of memories." And then he correctly guessed that I had been thinking of Lacey.
-----
It's interesting to find this fledgling entry, because I know I was deeply upset at the time and probably felt like my whole world was crashing down around me (as I so often do). But now, months later, I can read it and remember the pain and, yes, even feel the pain... but not be consumed by it.
That says a lot. To anyone who truly knows me, a hell of a fucking lot. My deep fear of rejection and abandonment causes me to experience the same torture over and over again through failed relationship after failed relationship. I unintentionally destroy relationships with friends and partners because I am so afraid of them hurting me. And each ruined relationship hurts more and more as I am forced to witness the pile of relationships I killed as I place one more, still warm, on top.
And yet, here I am, reading this half-started entry that should rock me to my core and cause at least some sort of lasting depression to arise, and all I feel is a little bit of sadness... and a lot of hope for the future.
I am nowhere near where I want to be. In fact, many of my bad habits have come back with a vengeance... but I am so much better that I almost want to cry in relief. There were many times I thought I was doomed to an existence of pain, destruction, and numbness... and now, for the first time I can remember, I have hope. True hope. Not a glimmer of hope easily vanquished in the vacuum of despair, but a strong, resilient hope that I can make my life better.
I no longer feel like a bystander in the tragic tale of my own life, but like I might actually have some control over it. Not complete control, but at least some kind of meaningful influence.
Now that I feel like I can change my life, I need to map out a plan to actually do it. As cliche as it is, New Years is coming up... and I would like to actually make some resolutions I have a shot at keeping. So, although I might actually revise these before New Year's, here are my tentative resolutions (I'm trying to make them as reasonable and concrete as possible):
- Lose weight and get in shape
+ Plan meals in a two-week block and buy groceries only according to what I planned (include one or two non-healthy meals)
+ Go for a walk at least two days a week
+ Work out at the gym at least once a week
(Note, I know it doesn't seem like enough to get in shape, but I'm hoping I can build from there)
- Improve my financial habits
+ Freaking keep record of what I'm spending in that stupid register thing
+ Budget out my paychecks
+ Keep track of when bills are due on a calendar
- Improve my grades
+ Keep good notes
+ Miss no more than 3 days of class
+ Study notes at least twice a week
+ Begin assignments the day they are assigned, not the day they are due
+ Keep track of due dates on a calendar
- Improve my appearance
+ Budget one new article of clothing each paycheck
+ Keep better care of my clothes (i.e. not throwing them on the floor and washing and putting them up them more promptly)
+ Shower at least every other day (I can't honestly expect to never miss a day of showering... stuff happens)
- Be more neat/clean/orderly
+ Clean room once a week
+ Clean car once a week
+ Create and maintain an organizational system for bills, important papers, etc.
+ Start carrying an agenda, or put an agenda on my iPod (or both)
That seems like a lot to tackle. And I know that I am a perfectionist... if I fail in one area, it's more likely for me to give up completely on all of them. So any suggestions on how to make this more realistic/manageable would be appreciated. If this is way too much to expect from myself, please tell me how you think you would prioritize it. And, if it's perfectly reasonable, feel free to tell me to man up. :)