Nostalgia
It's been awhile. You might be able to tell that this is a giant understatement from the date stamp. What has caused me to write an entry in this journal after a three year absence, you ask? Look at the entry title.
It all started when Mary Beth told me to read her recent LJ entry about her mother-in-law. I hadn't read her LJ in forever, and this somehow progressed into a sister's LJ reading fest tonight. She's had her journal for 5 years. I started at her first entry, February 2003, and have since read my way to June 2003. Reading all of her entries lead to my desire to pick my journal back up. I have never been diligent in journal-keeping, but I once again find myself in need of it, even if only temporarily. I have a lot of things on my mind lately, and this will be really helpful in sorting them out.
As far as reading her journal goes, I know that I am extremely nosy. Honestly, though, I realized that it was more than mere nosiness. I deeply want to connect with my sister and, although we are finally, finally starting to connect, I still have an un-satiated hunger to understand her, to understand why things between us became this way. Reading her journal is my way of figuring this out, my way of connecting to her. This may sound like a pale justification, but I truly believe it is the truth. Plus, she recently told me that she didn't mind if I read her LJ because she only puts things in it that she would say to people's faces. I'm hoping this is true. I don't want to break her already shaky confidence in me.
I found an old entry of mine on here that pretty much sums up the past between us:
December 8th, 2004 12:03 pm
Subject: I want my sister back...
"I'm worried about Mary Beth. o.0 She seems really depressed. It has a lot to do with the fact that she's flunking at least two of her classes, mainly because she didn't show up to them.
Plus, I just don't think she's dealing well with college. She's never been a socially outgoing person, but it got a lot worse after she went to SIUE, because she barely even tries to make and maintain friends. She'd rather stay in her dorm and watch TV and crochet or whatever she does.
I'm really worried about her. I love her and I just wish that I could take away her troubles and make her happy again, like she used to be. She's got so much potential... I just hate for her to throw it all away.
I guess that the biggest thing I'm dealing with, though, is the betrayal I feel...I feel like she keeps me at arm's distance all the time. She goes through periods where she is nice to me and we have a fun time, but that's just about where it stops. She doesn't want to talk about anything meaningful and she would rather that I didn't tell her anything meaningful either.
I just want to be friends with my sister. I want to be able to talk with her and not worry that she'll clam up and walk away. I want to be able to stay up all night talking about things that actually matter. I want her to love me back, instead of just thinking that I'm a heartless bitch who is only nice to her because I want things.
Dammit, I just want my sister to care about me. Is that so much to ask? I mean, there are plenty of sisters all over the world who are like best friends. Why can't we even resemble that kind of relationship?"
I'll talk more about my sister later. I'm not in the mood to write much tonight, no matter how helpful it might be.
It all started when Mary Beth told me to read her recent LJ entry about her mother-in-law. I hadn't read her LJ in forever, and this somehow progressed into a sister's LJ reading fest tonight. She's had her journal for 5 years. I started at her first entry, February 2003, and have since read my way to June 2003. Reading all of her entries lead to my desire to pick my journal back up. I have never been diligent in journal-keeping, but I once again find myself in need of it, even if only temporarily. I have a lot of things on my mind lately, and this will be really helpful in sorting them out.
As far as reading her journal goes, I know that I am extremely nosy. Honestly, though, I realized that it was more than mere nosiness. I deeply want to connect with my sister and, although we are finally, finally starting to connect, I still have an un-satiated hunger to understand her, to understand why things between us became this way. Reading her journal is my way of figuring this out, my way of connecting to her. This may sound like a pale justification, but I truly believe it is the truth. Plus, she recently told me that she didn't mind if I read her LJ because she only puts things in it that she would say to people's faces. I'm hoping this is true. I don't want to break her already shaky confidence in me.
I found an old entry of mine on here that pretty much sums up the past between us:
December 8th, 2004 12:03 pm
Subject: I want my sister back...
"I'm worried about Mary Beth. o.0 She seems really depressed. It has a lot to do with the fact that she's flunking at least two of her classes, mainly because she didn't show up to them.
Plus, I just don't think she's dealing well with college. She's never been a socially outgoing person, but it got a lot worse after she went to SIUE, because she barely even tries to make and maintain friends. She'd rather stay in her dorm and watch TV and crochet or whatever she does.
I'm really worried about her. I love her and I just wish that I could take away her troubles and make her happy again, like she used to be. She's got so much potential... I just hate for her to throw it all away.
I guess that the biggest thing I'm dealing with, though, is the betrayal I feel...I feel like she keeps me at arm's distance all the time. She goes through periods where she is nice to me and we have a fun time, but that's just about where it stops. She doesn't want to talk about anything meaningful and she would rather that I didn't tell her anything meaningful either.
I just want to be friends with my sister. I want to be able to talk with her and not worry that she'll clam up and walk away. I want to be able to stay up all night talking about things that actually matter. I want her to love me back, instead of just thinking that I'm a heartless bitch who is only nice to her because I want things.
Dammit, I just want my sister to care about me. Is that so much to ask? I mean, there are plenty of sisters all over the world who are like best friends. Why can't we even resemble that kind of relationship?"
I'll talk more about my sister later. I'm not in the mood to write much tonight, no matter how helpful it might be.