Winter Wonderland - A Lord of the Swings Tribute
TITLE: Winter Wonderland - A Lord of the Swings Tribute
AUTHOR: Soulstarsinger - soulstar@lineone.net
RATING: I'm sure there should be one...
DISCLAIMER: The original LotR belongs, of course, to the Tolkein estate. Does this even still qualify as LotR fic? Who can tell. The majority of any credit here should go to the marvellous Lady Demelza. Lord of the Swings and all related in-jokes is entirely her creation. I'm only skating on her frozen duck pond. *nods* Also, thanks to Poornapoleon for the "Red sky..." line.
DISTRIBUTION: souldo for a not-friends-locked post; My fic site (currently at www.soulstar.co.uk/dn); I can't imagine that anyone else would want this, but drop me a line if you do.
NOTES: So, I was walking past Pearson Hobbiton Park yesterday, and it was all snowy in there. And this sort of popped into my head and demanded to be written down. Fanfiction of fanfiction - how very post-something of me. Er. *g* I'm sorry, Demelza, please don't kill me! (Ack, and she knows where I live, too!)
*****
The Park. Which is looking rather picturesque, with all the grass, trees, piles of crap, and strange Victorian monuments being covered in a layer of snow. Everything is frozen. Even, rather improbably, the fountains, in pretty icy fountainy... um.... spray formation things.
ARAGORN is standing by the frozen duck pond, occasionally prodding it with a stick, and gazing pensively at the ducks, who are also frozen in place in mid-pond. As in, where they'd been swimming. Everything apparently froze veryveryvery fast. You'd almost suspect author-intervention. Shh, it's a plot device. Or something.
BOROMIR'S GHOST appears beside GORN.
Mir's Ghost: (pointing at the ducks) Mwahahah! Did I not say I would have my revenge on you, foul fowls?!
Gorn: Er... well... not so far as I can remember.
Mir's Ghost: I did! Well, I mean. I was dead, wasn't I? But I *thought* it.
Gorn: Riiiight. So you're saying that you caused this cold snap?
Mir's Ghost: Er. Not as such. But... I would have!
Gorn: You *didn't* make the pond freeze, then?
Mir's Ghost: ... No.
Gorn: So this is more 'handy co-incidence' than 'dire revenge'.
Mir's Ghost: .... Yes.
Gorn: Just checking.
Mir's Ghost: Oh, I hate you. Why can't you just be a good boy and die?
Gorn: Because this is the wrong film for that quote?
Mir's Ghost: (scowling) What's the bloody difference? I got killed off in that one too.
Gorn: So you did. Hey, is there anything you *didn't* die in?
Mir's Ghost: Oh, fuck off.
There is a pause. GORN pokes the surface of the pond with his stick again.
Gorn: Well, it's official. Hull has frozen over.
A pile of snow-covered leaves rustles, then disgorges an interestingly-frosted LEGLESS.
Legless: I hasn't been schober since chapter four, 'n even I c'n tell thass the worsschtest pun in tha whole feckin' thing scho far!
LEGLESS attempts to nance off on top of the snow, but only succeeds in falling on his arse.
Mir's Ghost: Explains why I'm so cold, though.
Gorn: No, I think the black mesh shirt that you're wearing explains why you're cold.
Mir's Ghost: (pouts) But the Beanfest-ers like me in this shirt!
GORN rolls his eyes, and goes to help LEGLESS up and steer him towards the nearest bench.
Meanwhile, MERRY and PIPPIN are busy building a hobbit-sized snowman in the playground. They are currently decorating it by strategically placing two turnips and a large parsnip.
Pippin: I dunno, Merry. No-one has eyes and nose that close together. Or that low down, either.
Merry: (smirks) You don't say, Pip.
Pippin: *Or* that big....
Frodo: (from behind the slide) Oh, I don't know.
Merry: What're you and Sam doing behind there anyway, Frodo?
Frodo: Looking for Gandalf's nuts.
Pippin: Feel free not to go into too much detail.
Frodo: It's OK, there's no hobbit porn in this fanficfanfic.
Pippin: What?! Not any at all?
Merry: This is going to be boring, then. Wish I hadn't bothered showing up now.
Pippin: Well, we did get to fondle those turnips for quite a while.
Merry: Oh, that's true. But still. Bet we can get some groping in, at least.
MERRY launches himself at PIPPIN, and the two grapple enthusiastically.
Pippin: Mmmph! Ooooh.... oh, *Merry!*
Frodo: Oh, for God's sake!
Sam: Mr Frodo! I think I've got some, Mr Frodo!
Merry: No, I think *I* got some. (snickers)
Frodo: He's talking about nuts.
Merry: Did I say I wasn't?
Sam: I was digging in the ground for them, I'll have you know. Because I'm the gardener. OK?
Merry: OK, OK. If you say so.
To the surprise of all, LEGLESS nances gracefully into the playground, and drapes himself over the roundabout. He is holding what looks like an ice-lolly, and has acquired... er... some extra clothing.
Pippin: Legless? What're those on your ears?
Legless: You know babies? Ickle bitty itty babies?
Pippin: Yeeeeees.
Legless: They take their little sockses off. An' chuck 'em. Whooosh!
Frodo: Is it just me, or is he starting to talk a bit like Gollum? Can't this author tell the difference between drunk, and ... um...
Sam: Driven crazy by hearing The One Ringtone several times a day for 500-odd years?
Frodo: Exactly.
Sam: Guess not.
Legless: An' they throwses them, and I find's 'em! And keeps 'em, all for my own.
Pippin: Riiiiight....
Legless: They're just the right size for elf-earwarmers, alright? My pointy bits get fecking cold this time of year.
Merry: Huh. That's actually a pretty good idea. Got any hobbit-sized ones?
GORN and MIR'S GHOST arrive.
Gorn: Legless! You're not allowed in the playground, you know that.
Legless: Even though I's the prettiesht? (He bats his eyelashes disturbingly at Gorn) S'what you schaid last night. Come 'n get me, you big schtrong Ranger, you.
Gorn: Uh! He's... he's drunk!
Mir's Ghost: He's always drunk. Something you want to tell us, *Gorn*?
Gorn: Hallucinating! That's it. And... and... imagining things. Yes, that's what it is. Take no notice of him.
MIR'S GHOST, FRODO, SAM, MERRY and PIPPIN all look from GORN to LEGLESS, and draw their own conclusions.
Frodo: (slightly bitterly) Is there *any* species you won't try it on with?
Gorn: What d'you mean by that? Arwen's an elf, so it's not like I'd never been with one befo... oh, shit.
Pippin: Oh, never mind that. What I want to know is, where did he get that ice-lolly?
Merry: Oooh, good point! Is Gimli's Ice-cream van open at this time of year?
Mir's Ghost: (sadly) I never did get my strawberry split.
MERRY attempts to pat MIR's GHOST'S hip in commiseration, but his hand just passes straight through.
Merry: Woah!
Mir's Ghost: Ooooh.... oh, *Merry!*
Pippin: Hey!!!
FRODO and SAM approach LEGLESS, who is still sprawled on the roundabout, eyes closed, sucking blissfully on his lolly. SAM prods him with his trowel (What d'you mean, what trowel? The one he'd been digging for nuts with! Tcha!). LEGLESS opens his eyes, sees GORN, and starts making really scary kissy faces at him.
Frodo: Ewww! Yuck, make him stop.
Sam: Stop that, you smelly old elf, you! You're scaring my Mr Frodo.
Frodo: Oh, Sam! I love it when you're all protective.
FRODO drags SAM underneath the roundabout. Smacking noises are heard.
Legless: Wha? Where did the ickle hobalobs go? Who's smelly? S'not me. Mus' be the dwarf.
Pippin: So Gimli is here! Where is he? We want our ice-creams!
Legless: Huh?
Gorn: He didn't get it from Gimli. His bottles of meths all got frozen, so he's smashed the glass off and stuck twigs in 'em. That is.... I *think* he smashed the glass off...
Merry: (disappointed) So Gimli's not here.
Legless: Dwarf!
Gorn: Legless? What do your elf eyes see?
Legless: Uh... red sky at morning, elves' warning?
Mir's Ghost: Great, now he's a bloody weather forecaster.
Legless: 's a fell voice on th'air. Is. Shhhhhhhhh!
ALL look at one another dubiously, but listen carefully anyway. And sure enough! Above the slurping noises coming from SAM and FRODO, a faint voice can be heard.
Faint Voice: Hel'! Heeeeeel'!! I' o'r 'ere!
GORN motions the others to be quiet, and uses his Amazing Ranger Powers (TM) to track the sound. Or to be more accurate, he walks around the climbing frame. Where he discovers GIMLI, his tongue stuck to one of the climbing frame poles.
Gorn: Okaaay. Do I even want to know how that happened?
Gimli: 'o'n' ahh'k.
The rest of the FELLOWSHIP arrive, having dragged SAM and FRODO out from under the roundabout.
Pippin: Yes!!! We're not the comic relief any more!
Merry: Cool! Er... but why do I have the urge to go climb a tree?
Gorn: Don't worry, Gimli! I'll get you free by thawing the frost on the pole with my hot and manly breath.
Gimli: (horrified) I'cch o'ay. I' 'ather 'ay 'uck!
Mir's Ghost: Jesus, there really is no species you won't try it on with!!
LEGLESS collapses to the ground and starts crying, loudly, drunkenly, and apparently brokenheartedly. GORN, embarrassed, goes over and pats him on the head. LEGLESS takes off one of his earwarmers, wipes his nose on it, then puts it back on.
Frodo: I'll call Gandalf. He'll know what to do, Gimli.
FRODO pulls out his mobile phone and hits a speeddial number.
Frodo: Gandalf? Frodo. Yu-huh. Oh, definitely. No, purple is so not his colour. Hahahah! Wow, wish I'd been there. No, no, don't worry. Okay, ta-ta! (hangs up)
Sam: What did he say? Can he help Gimli?
Frodo: Shit, forgot to ask! I'll send him a text.
FRODO texts. Seconds later, there is a flash of light. GANDALF the Grey Squirrel appears by GIMLI'S feet, a nut in his mouth.
Fellowship (except Gimli): Hoorah! It's Gandalf!
Gorn: Hang on, shouldn't he be white by now?
Merry: You can't have a white squirrel, stupid! Only grey and red ones.
Pippin: Anyway, maybe he's wearing a grey coat over his white fur to fool people into thinking he's not as powerful as he really is.
Merry: What?
Pippin: Just a thought.
GANDALF runs up the pole, drops the nut onto Gimli's tongue, then runs back down the pole and hides behind the rest of the FELLOWSHIP, paws over his ears and little squirrelly eyes squeezed shut.
Frodo: Gandalf? What're you doing?
Gimli: Aaaah!
There is an even brighter flash of light. The FELLOWSHIP wince and flinch. GIMLI is thrown away from the pole, clanging into the one behind with some force.
Gimli: Oww! Fucking OWW! My tongue! Wait til I get my hands on you, you evil little rodent....
Another flash of light. GANDALF is now in his much taller SIR IAN (SERENA) guise.
Serena: You were saying?
Gimli: Bugger it, that's not fair!
Frodo: Alright, so we've rescued Gimli. We've done plenty of groping, and we've established that Gorn is a pervy multi-species fancier. Oh, and that Mir is still dead, no matter what film or play he's in. What d'we do now?
There is silence, except for MIR'S GHOST muttering something about Lady Chatterley's Lover.
Sam: I think the author's run out of ideas, Mr Frodo.
Merry: Well, *that* makes a change.
Serena: Before you texted me, I was getting stoned on hobbit pipeweed in the Victorian Greenhouse. It's warmer in there, too.
Sam: Sounds good to me.
Gimli: Might help my ice-lolly withdrawal issues.
Legless: (leering at Gorn) There's some nice private corners in there too.
Frodo: Show of hands?
ALL raise their hands, even GORN, who has LEGLESS hanging onto him and drooling on his shoulder.
Mir's Ghost: Alright! Let's get the hell out of this stupid fanficfanfic thing. Hey, and look, I get the first line *and* the last line!
Gorn: No you don't.
Mir's Ghost: Git.
THE END!
AUTHOR: Soulstarsinger - soulstar@lineone.net
RATING: I'm sure there should be one...
DISCLAIMER: The original LotR belongs, of course, to the Tolkein estate. Does this even still qualify as LotR fic? Who can tell. The majority of any credit here should go to the marvellous Lady Demelza. Lord of the Swings and all related in-jokes is entirely her creation. I'm only skating on her frozen duck pond. *nods* Also, thanks to Poornapoleon for the "Red sky..." line.
DISTRIBUTION: souldo for a not-friends-locked post; My fic site (currently at www.soulstar.co.uk/dn); I can't imagine that anyone else would want this, but drop me a line if you do.
NOTES: So, I was walking past Pearson Hobbiton Park yesterday, and it was all snowy in there. And this sort of popped into my head and demanded to be written down. Fanfiction of fanfiction - how very post-something of me. Er. *g* I'm sorry, Demelza, please don't kill me! (Ack, and she knows where I live, too!)
*****
The Park. Which is looking rather picturesque, with all the grass, trees, piles of crap, and strange Victorian monuments being covered in a layer of snow. Everything is frozen. Even, rather improbably, the fountains, in pretty icy fountainy... um.... spray formation things.
ARAGORN is standing by the frozen duck pond, occasionally prodding it with a stick, and gazing pensively at the ducks, who are also frozen in place in mid-pond. As in, where they'd been swimming. Everything apparently froze veryveryvery fast. You'd almost suspect author-intervention. Shh, it's a plot device. Or something.
BOROMIR'S GHOST appears beside GORN.
Mir's Ghost: (pointing at the ducks) Mwahahah! Did I not say I would have my revenge on you, foul fowls?!
Gorn: Er... well... not so far as I can remember.
Mir's Ghost: I did! Well, I mean. I was dead, wasn't I? But I *thought* it.
Gorn: Riiiight. So you're saying that you caused this cold snap?
Mir's Ghost: Er. Not as such. But... I would have!
Gorn: You *didn't* make the pond freeze, then?
Mir's Ghost: ... No.
Gorn: So this is more 'handy co-incidence' than 'dire revenge'.
Mir's Ghost: .... Yes.
Gorn: Just checking.
Mir's Ghost: Oh, I hate you. Why can't you just be a good boy and die?
Gorn: Because this is the wrong film for that quote?
Mir's Ghost: (scowling) What's the bloody difference? I got killed off in that one too.
Gorn: So you did. Hey, is there anything you *didn't* die in?
Mir's Ghost: Oh, fuck off.
There is a pause. GORN pokes the surface of the pond with his stick again.
Gorn: Well, it's official. Hull has frozen over.
A pile of snow-covered leaves rustles, then disgorges an interestingly-frosted LEGLESS.
Legless: I hasn't been schober since chapter four, 'n even I c'n tell thass the worsschtest pun in tha whole feckin' thing scho far!
LEGLESS attempts to nance off on top of the snow, but only succeeds in falling on his arse.
Mir's Ghost: Explains why I'm so cold, though.
Gorn: No, I think the black mesh shirt that you're wearing explains why you're cold.
Mir's Ghost: (pouts) But the Beanfest-ers like me in this shirt!
GORN rolls his eyes, and goes to help LEGLESS up and steer him towards the nearest bench.
Meanwhile, MERRY and PIPPIN are busy building a hobbit-sized snowman in the playground. They are currently decorating it by strategically placing two turnips and a large parsnip.
Pippin: I dunno, Merry. No-one has eyes and nose that close together. Or that low down, either.
Merry: (smirks) You don't say, Pip.
Pippin: *Or* that big....
Frodo: (from behind the slide) Oh, I don't know.
Merry: What're you and Sam doing behind there anyway, Frodo?
Frodo: Looking for Gandalf's nuts.
Pippin: Feel free not to go into too much detail.
Frodo: It's OK, there's no hobbit porn in this fanficfanfic.
Pippin: What?! Not any at all?
Merry: This is going to be boring, then. Wish I hadn't bothered showing up now.
Pippin: Well, we did get to fondle those turnips for quite a while.
Merry: Oh, that's true. But still. Bet we can get some groping in, at least.
MERRY launches himself at PIPPIN, and the two grapple enthusiastically.
Pippin: Mmmph! Ooooh.... oh, *Merry!*
Frodo: Oh, for God's sake!
Sam: Mr Frodo! I think I've got some, Mr Frodo!
Merry: No, I think *I* got some. (snickers)
Frodo: He's talking about nuts.
Merry: Did I say I wasn't?
Sam: I was digging in the ground for them, I'll have you know. Because I'm the gardener. OK?
Merry: OK, OK. If you say so.
To the surprise of all, LEGLESS nances gracefully into the playground, and drapes himself over the roundabout. He is holding what looks like an ice-lolly, and has acquired... er... some extra clothing.
Pippin: Legless? What're those on your ears?
Legless: You know babies? Ickle bitty itty babies?
Pippin: Yeeeeees.
Legless: They take their little sockses off. An' chuck 'em. Whooosh!
Frodo: Is it just me, or is he starting to talk a bit like Gollum? Can't this author tell the difference between drunk, and ... um...
Sam: Driven crazy by hearing The One Ringtone several times a day for 500-odd years?
Frodo: Exactly.
Sam: Guess not.
Legless: An' they throwses them, and I find's 'em! And keeps 'em, all for my own.
Pippin: Riiiiight....
Legless: They're just the right size for elf-earwarmers, alright? My pointy bits get fecking cold this time of year.
Merry: Huh. That's actually a pretty good idea. Got any hobbit-sized ones?
GORN and MIR'S GHOST arrive.
Gorn: Legless! You're not allowed in the playground, you know that.
Legless: Even though I's the prettiesht? (He bats his eyelashes disturbingly at Gorn) S'what you schaid last night. Come 'n get me, you big schtrong Ranger, you.
Gorn: Uh! He's... he's drunk!
Mir's Ghost: He's always drunk. Something you want to tell us, *Gorn*?
Gorn: Hallucinating! That's it. And... and... imagining things. Yes, that's what it is. Take no notice of him.
MIR'S GHOST, FRODO, SAM, MERRY and PIPPIN all look from GORN to LEGLESS, and draw their own conclusions.
Frodo: (slightly bitterly) Is there *any* species you won't try it on with?
Gorn: What d'you mean by that? Arwen's an elf, so it's not like I'd never been with one befo... oh, shit.
Pippin: Oh, never mind that. What I want to know is, where did he get that ice-lolly?
Merry: Oooh, good point! Is Gimli's Ice-cream van open at this time of year?
Mir's Ghost: (sadly) I never did get my strawberry split.
MERRY attempts to pat MIR's GHOST'S hip in commiseration, but his hand just passes straight through.
Merry: Woah!
Mir's Ghost: Ooooh.... oh, *Merry!*
Pippin: Hey!!!
FRODO and SAM approach LEGLESS, who is still sprawled on the roundabout, eyes closed, sucking blissfully on his lolly. SAM prods him with his trowel (What d'you mean, what trowel? The one he'd been digging for nuts with! Tcha!). LEGLESS opens his eyes, sees GORN, and starts making really scary kissy faces at him.
Frodo: Ewww! Yuck, make him stop.
Sam: Stop that, you smelly old elf, you! You're scaring my Mr Frodo.
Frodo: Oh, Sam! I love it when you're all protective.
FRODO drags SAM underneath the roundabout. Smacking noises are heard.
Legless: Wha? Where did the ickle hobalobs go? Who's smelly? S'not me. Mus' be the dwarf.
Pippin: So Gimli is here! Where is he? We want our ice-creams!
Legless: Huh?
Gorn: He didn't get it from Gimli. His bottles of meths all got frozen, so he's smashed the glass off and stuck twigs in 'em. That is.... I *think* he smashed the glass off...
Merry: (disappointed) So Gimli's not here.
Legless: Dwarf!
Gorn: Legless? What do your elf eyes see?
Legless: Uh... red sky at morning, elves' warning?
Mir's Ghost: Great, now he's a bloody weather forecaster.
Legless: 's a fell voice on th'air. Is. Shhhhhhhhh!
ALL look at one another dubiously, but listen carefully anyway. And sure enough! Above the slurping noises coming from SAM and FRODO, a faint voice can be heard.
Faint Voice: Hel'! Heeeeeel'!! I' o'r 'ere!
GORN motions the others to be quiet, and uses his Amazing Ranger Powers (TM) to track the sound. Or to be more accurate, he walks around the climbing frame. Where he discovers GIMLI, his tongue stuck to one of the climbing frame poles.
Gorn: Okaaay. Do I even want to know how that happened?
Gimli: 'o'n' ahh'k.
The rest of the FELLOWSHIP arrive, having dragged SAM and FRODO out from under the roundabout.
Pippin: Yes!!! We're not the comic relief any more!
Merry: Cool! Er... but why do I have the urge to go climb a tree?
Gorn: Don't worry, Gimli! I'll get you free by thawing the frost on the pole with my hot and manly breath.
Gimli: (horrified) I'cch o'ay. I' 'ather 'ay 'uck!
Mir's Ghost: Jesus, there really is no species you won't try it on with!!
LEGLESS collapses to the ground and starts crying, loudly, drunkenly, and apparently brokenheartedly. GORN, embarrassed, goes over and pats him on the head. LEGLESS takes off one of his earwarmers, wipes his nose on it, then puts it back on.
Frodo: I'll call Gandalf. He'll know what to do, Gimli.
FRODO pulls out his mobile phone and hits a speeddial number.
Frodo: Gandalf? Frodo. Yu-huh. Oh, definitely. No, purple is so not his colour. Hahahah! Wow, wish I'd been there. No, no, don't worry. Okay, ta-ta! (hangs up)
Sam: What did he say? Can he help Gimli?
Frodo: Shit, forgot to ask! I'll send him a text.
FRODO texts. Seconds later, there is a flash of light. GANDALF the Grey Squirrel appears by GIMLI'S feet, a nut in his mouth.
Fellowship (except Gimli): Hoorah! It's Gandalf!
Gorn: Hang on, shouldn't he be white by now?
Merry: You can't have a white squirrel, stupid! Only grey and red ones.
Pippin: Anyway, maybe he's wearing a grey coat over his white fur to fool people into thinking he's not as powerful as he really is.
Merry: What?
Pippin: Just a thought.
GANDALF runs up the pole, drops the nut onto Gimli's tongue, then runs back down the pole and hides behind the rest of the FELLOWSHIP, paws over his ears and little squirrelly eyes squeezed shut.
Frodo: Gandalf? What're you doing?
Gimli: Aaaah!
There is an even brighter flash of light. The FELLOWSHIP wince and flinch. GIMLI is thrown away from the pole, clanging into the one behind with some force.
Gimli: Oww! Fucking OWW! My tongue! Wait til I get my hands on you, you evil little rodent....
Another flash of light. GANDALF is now in his much taller SIR IAN (SERENA) guise.
Serena: You were saying?
Gimli: Bugger it, that's not fair!
Frodo: Alright, so we've rescued Gimli. We've done plenty of groping, and we've established that Gorn is a pervy multi-species fancier. Oh, and that Mir is still dead, no matter what film or play he's in. What d'we do now?
There is silence, except for MIR'S GHOST muttering something about Lady Chatterley's Lover.
Sam: I think the author's run out of ideas, Mr Frodo.
Merry: Well, *that* makes a change.
Serena: Before you texted me, I was getting stoned on hobbit pipeweed in the Victorian Greenhouse. It's warmer in there, too.
Sam: Sounds good to me.
Gimli: Might help my ice-lolly withdrawal issues.
Legless: (leering at Gorn) There's some nice private corners in there too.
Frodo: Show of hands?
ALL raise their hands, even GORN, who has LEGLESS hanging onto him and drooling on his shoulder.
Mir's Ghost: Alright! Let's get the hell out of this stupid fanficfanfic thing. Hey, and look, I get the first line *and* the last line!
Gorn: No you don't.
Mir's Ghost: Git.
THE END!