Love Hate Tragedy
Yesterday I had my first poetry reading - at the moment of my first publication.
It is a big moment if only as a precursor to bigger and better things.
Much more than that everyone was there. Anshu, Tanju, Disha, Uttara, Nash, Renu, Bansari... It felt phenomenal walking in with these people beside me.
With them around, I feel invincible.
Over the years you realise that your friends become your family. They come through for you in ways that never fail to surprise you. You just wish you could live up to your end of the bargain.
***
This past month should have had a year end post as well as a 10 years of LJ post. December 2001 was the very first post in this space. It has been 10 years here, and I can still remember the night at Amaltas when I moved and and wrote here for the very first time.
Some of the best things I have ever written have been written here. This space has been instrumental in me honing my craft with the written word. Trying to express teenage angst here far after I stopped being a teenager.
Feelings were dissected and moments paused and zoomed into. Motivations were strengthened and dreams were given voice. Here contained are my dreams and the blueprint to make another me.
The stem cell.
You can read and click on the last 10 posts button at the bottom of this page and you will see me grow in reverse like in that cool music video you remember...
***
This week contained many many old faces together.
Seeing Simran and Shwets after such a long time - it was like Mithibai... the jokes, the music, the mysore dosas and all the exaggerated drama. So many things I have learnt in the interim but not so much of it matters. I think I am resolved to relive the past.
Looking towards the future is really scary.
It brings back times when we were young and crass and proud of being both. We are still young and we would do much to be crass again.
I blink and its outside Mithibai and we are in Rohit's car and there are people in it who I have not spoken to in 5 years. And if we do meet at an airport lounge somewhere - we shall exchange pleasantries and talk career though we don't really care.
I may not but then increasingly I am an aberration.
***
Someone who I had a lot of regard for, and perhaps didn't show enough of it, once told me that I fear fitting in. And always there should be something that separates me, and I cling to that separation like a defense mechanism almost.
I don't know what I am protecting myself from. And most of the time her theory holds.
However when I am with my homies its no longer just me looking at the world but a shared history looking at it. They know me and thus can see from my eyes better than I can.
A late night car ride with these boys I love so much, and maybe there is music and maybe we are high and maybe it is just quiet and intimate as the best car rides can get. And we don't have to get anywhere and the moment just stretches and stretches...
And maybe we are smoking in McDonald's wrappers and maybe the car has broken down in Juhu and maybe we are drinking whiskey mixed inside coca cola bottles because tonight beer was not enough cause tonight we are playing with magnetic tape we found and walking in cuffe parade marvelling at how quiet and perfect it is where even the wind makes no sound and shiny expensive cars drive by and we marvel at how perfect she looks.
Maybe tonight there is pizza. Maybe tonight shall come again at the end of this week and its Bade Mian's now for the 100th time and maybe I puke in front of regal because of the vodka.
Maybe tonight we stay sober and drink lemon shots.
Maybe we listen to Eminem learning all the lyrics up, maybe its Nirvana. Maybe we watch Harold and Kumar for the 212th time and maybe we play football and I look at a boy and say he will go far and one day he does.
Maybe I ask you out on a stairwell or we hold hands on christmas or I beg for a kiss leaning on a bedroom door and maybe just maybe this time you succumb.
Maybe we left Aaziano or Ra or Play or Red Light or Polly's and Busaba's and Czar Bar or maybe none of these places... maybe we just sat in and played smackdown. Maybe you won, but probably not. I am really fucking good at it.
Maybe we fly together somewhere, or we fly back. Maybe I carry you this time.
Tonight I get you two together. Tonight I write a song because she is a bitch.
Maybe we all slapped her, in our own hearts in our own ways. Maybe we go and talk to women in nightclubs and make fools of ourselves - sometimes they leave with us and maybe they are in our car but we don't pay attention because it was never really about them.
Maybe she really did work for the CIA.
Maybe we get our hearts broken on the cliff... we are in it together friend. I was there before you.
Maybe we dance and till all the hurt fades away.
Maybe we are still playing football as you hold key chain hearts looking at the sky. We were there with you yearning. We still are.
Maybe I am alone now, but I doubt it. You are always there behind me smiling and encouraging and full of pure fucking love. And I am there too, even when you don't look. Living through you every moment. When you are weak and cannot say it - I never wait for you to. I smile with you and your tears are mine. I celebrate each success of yours more than you. When she goes away no one hates her more than me.
Because truly there is no you and me.
For a very very long time there has been just us.
And time doesn't really die or go away or die out. We were then and we are now and so shall we be.
Amen.
It is a big moment if only as a precursor to bigger and better things.
Much more than that everyone was there. Anshu, Tanju, Disha, Uttara, Nash, Renu, Bansari... It felt phenomenal walking in with these people beside me.
With them around, I feel invincible.
Over the years you realise that your friends become your family. They come through for you in ways that never fail to surprise you. You just wish you could live up to your end of the bargain.
***
This past month should have had a year end post as well as a 10 years of LJ post. December 2001 was the very first post in this space. It has been 10 years here, and I can still remember the night at Amaltas when I moved and and wrote here for the very first time.
Some of the best things I have ever written have been written here. This space has been instrumental in me honing my craft with the written word. Trying to express teenage angst here far after I stopped being a teenager.
Feelings were dissected and moments paused and zoomed into. Motivations were strengthened and dreams were given voice. Here contained are my dreams and the blueprint to make another me.
The stem cell.
You can read and click on the last 10 posts button at the bottom of this page and you will see me grow in reverse like in that cool music video you remember...
***
This week contained many many old faces together.
Seeing Simran and Shwets after such a long time - it was like Mithibai... the jokes, the music, the mysore dosas and all the exaggerated drama. So many things I have learnt in the interim but not so much of it matters. I think I am resolved to relive the past.
Looking towards the future is really scary.
It brings back times when we were young and crass and proud of being both. We are still young and we would do much to be crass again.
I blink and its outside Mithibai and we are in Rohit's car and there are people in it who I have not spoken to in 5 years. And if we do meet at an airport lounge somewhere - we shall exchange pleasantries and talk career though we don't really care.
I may not but then increasingly I am an aberration.
***
Someone who I had a lot of regard for, and perhaps didn't show enough of it, once told me that I fear fitting in. And always there should be something that separates me, and I cling to that separation like a defense mechanism almost.
I don't know what I am protecting myself from. And most of the time her theory holds.
However when I am with my homies its no longer just me looking at the world but a shared history looking at it. They know me and thus can see from my eyes better than I can.
A late night car ride with these boys I love so much, and maybe there is music and maybe we are high and maybe it is just quiet and intimate as the best car rides can get. And we don't have to get anywhere and the moment just stretches and stretches...
And maybe we are smoking in McDonald's wrappers and maybe the car has broken down in Juhu and maybe we are drinking whiskey mixed inside coca cola bottles because tonight beer was not enough cause tonight we are playing with magnetic tape we found and walking in cuffe parade marvelling at how quiet and perfect it is where even the wind makes no sound and shiny expensive cars drive by and we marvel at how perfect she looks.
Maybe tonight there is pizza. Maybe tonight shall come again at the end of this week and its Bade Mian's now for the 100th time and maybe I puke in front of regal because of the vodka.
Maybe tonight we stay sober and drink lemon shots.
Maybe we listen to Eminem learning all the lyrics up, maybe its Nirvana. Maybe we watch Harold and Kumar for the 212th time and maybe we play football and I look at a boy and say he will go far and one day he does.
Maybe I ask you out on a stairwell or we hold hands on christmas or I beg for a kiss leaning on a bedroom door and maybe just maybe this time you succumb.
Maybe we left Aaziano or Ra or Play or Red Light or Polly's and Busaba's and Czar Bar or maybe none of these places... maybe we just sat in and played smackdown. Maybe you won, but probably not. I am really fucking good at it.
Maybe we fly together somewhere, or we fly back. Maybe I carry you this time.
Tonight I get you two together. Tonight I write a song because she is a bitch.
Maybe we all slapped her, in our own hearts in our own ways. Maybe we go and talk to women in nightclubs and make fools of ourselves - sometimes they leave with us and maybe they are in our car but we don't pay attention because it was never really about them.
Maybe she really did work for the CIA.
Maybe we get our hearts broken on the cliff... we are in it together friend. I was there before you.
Maybe we dance and till all the hurt fades away.
Maybe we are still playing football as you hold key chain hearts looking at the sky. We were there with you yearning. We still are.
Maybe I am alone now, but I doubt it. You are always there behind me smiling and encouraging and full of pure fucking love. And I am there too, even when you don't look. Living through you every moment. When you are weak and cannot say it - I never wait for you to. I smile with you and your tears are mine. I celebrate each success of yours more than you. When she goes away no one hates her more than me.
Because truly there is no you and me.
For a very very long time there has been just us.
And time doesn't really die or go away or die out. We were then and we are now and so shall we be.
Amen.