don't.read.this.
This sucks. I hate that she hasn't been trying to make herself happy, that in all these months she hasn't been pushing herself to move forward and eventually on. I hate it, because I know she really has though, in her own way. It's just her way - her prolonged, masochistic, depressive, abysmal way. And I HATE that way with all my heart. I hate that the most. I hate that its the one thing I wanted to fix in her, and that its the thing I couldn't. I hate that its the largest way I've failed her. (And I've always hated the thought of wanting to fix something in another person. Its just not right! I'm not sure if wanting to fix it for her as opposed to for me makes it okay.)
Letting go has never been easy for her: not of a point, an arguement, a grudge, a feeling, an emotion. And never, NEVER anything negative. It's just her way and I failed to make it better. I understand that and at the same time, hate that I understand that, because I can't hate her at all. I could never hate her - not for leaving, not for not letting go.
I hate trying to take responsibility for someone else's happiness, being unable to help and being forced to let go. I hate that I now have to trust in the universe to be kind to her, that I have to trust her to take care of herself. I hate worrying about her because on some level, it means that I don't believe she can do it, that I think less of her. But I know she CAN handle it. I know she's not helpless. She CAN take care of herself and I SHOULDN'T expect anything less. But I still worry. And being powerless about your worries sucks.
I hate second-guessing my decision. In my mind, I know I'm right, but I just hate thinking of her as sad and lonely and alone out there. And I hate it that I'm the one making her sad, and making her cry.
I hate that this, space, is the only thing I can do to make it better, and that it's all I can do to make sure she makes it in the long run.
Letting go has never been easy for her: not of a point, an arguement, a grudge, a feeling, an emotion. And never, NEVER anything negative. It's just her way and I failed to make it better. I understand that and at the same time, hate that I understand that, because I can't hate her at all. I could never hate her - not for leaving, not for not letting go.
I hate trying to take responsibility for someone else's happiness, being unable to help and being forced to let go. I hate that I now have to trust in the universe to be kind to her, that I have to trust her to take care of herself. I hate worrying about her because on some level, it means that I don't believe she can do it, that I think less of her. But I know she CAN handle it. I know she's not helpless. She CAN take care of herself and I SHOULDN'T expect anything less. But I still worry. And being powerless about your worries sucks.
I hate second-guessing my decision. In my mind, I know I'm right, but I just hate thinking of her as sad and lonely and alone out there. And I hate it that I'm the one making her sad, and making her cry.
I hate that this, space, is the only thing I can do to make it better, and that it's all I can do to make sure she makes it in the long run.