"Faith, you're driving me away... you do it everyday. You don't mean it, but it hurts like hell."
It is a strange twist of the fates that I just saw the TED talk of psychologist Meg Jay talking about how "30 is not the new 20"...
I'd been thinking a lot recently about virtually that same notion and the amazement of time streaming past me.
In some ways it seems like almost yesterday, for example, that I was in a band that recorded a 4 track demo cd and played shows in my hometown.... but nope, that was 12 freaking years ago! Or that it was just yesterday that I got my first job and apartment outside of my hometown and went out on my own, but that was 8 years ago. On the positive end of things, I do like thinking about how I've known James for 12 years, been together for almost 8 and married 3......Wow, its been nearly 3 years already since our wedding? Even that can seem like yesterday.
For as many struggles and doldrums that might make time seem like its dragging, it really is going rather exponentially quick. Even just 7 or so years ago it seemed like there was a clearer direction and discernible movement towards a goal of some sort, whereas now it is a lot of head scratching and wondering how to best go about making life be really lived again so the time does not just drop like a fly and continue to fall away - forgotten and neglected like a dusty book or cobweb.
So many things to come to terms with, so much to question and think about and try to put in order, to set about some sort of motion for waking the hell up and accomplishing more!
If fertility peaks at age 28, I consider the real possibility of not ever ending up having kids because I wouldn't want to risk their health and/or mine. Not to mention the fact of not even being able to monetarily provide very well. If I find myself in a monetary position to consider adoption, I would, but finding such a monetary position is another big challenge in the puzzle.
How important is it to really believe in and/or at least somewhat enjoy what one is doing, vs. just doing whatever can garner a healthy pay check in an economy that's on its last legs? What exactly would that healthy/good/comfortable pay range be? How little would I, could I, care to get by on and be happy?
I know I've made the comment before about how every 7 years, when our body's cells are all new, its like starting a new life, in a way. Lo and behold I do feel as though I am about where I was 7 years ago. I'm maybe a little smarter and have traveled more than before, but that's about it... (because finally making $3.50 more an hour than I was 7 years ago isn't a huge leg up in the world).
I know in some respects I shouldn't be too hard on myself -
Who knew that shortly after James and I got together we'd both need to sink money into beater cars before finally buying a newer one?
Who knew the schooling I was finally trying to do after talking about it for 3 years, was going to end up bottoming out on me in the end and taking all of my money paid in with it?
Who knew we'd have our little wedding and our families still wouldn't be able to help cover expenses the way they said they would - (well, given our family's financial histories we weren't entirely too surprised, but still disappointed).
Who knew we'd travel the country like we'd talked about doing for years, and yet really not get out and do and see even a half of what I'd had in mind to try and do and see, not to mention it proving to be way more stressful to both of us at times more than we ever could have imagined?!
Who knew we'd try to regroup with family to have a free place to stay after the travels, and then not be able to find decent work to make it pay off?
Who knew we'd move on to go take work to make our efforts pay off a bit more only to be landed with two completely dependent family members living with us and prolonging our stay in a state we didnt really want to be back within in the first place?
Given all of these situations (and more little ones in between I'm sure), it doesn't feel as much like I've been making "waste" of my time necessarily, but rather that through a series of unfortunate events and unforeseen setbacks (and I suppose lack of having any good fall back ideas for when loose plans don't go accordingly) it has caused me to stall out now when I hit 28, flabbergasted as to what to do next.
I guess I'll re-watch Meg Jay's ted talk a few more times over and see if I can milk something more from it.
"Faith, you're driving me away
You do it everyday
You don't mean it
But it hurts like hell
My brain says I'm receiving pain
A lack of oxygen
From my life support
My iron lung
We're too young to fall asleep
To cynical to speak
We are losing it
Can't you tell?
We scratch our eternal itch
A twentieth century bitch
And we are grateful for
Our iron lung
The headshrinkers, they want everything
My uncle Bill, my Belisha beacon
The headshrinkers, they want everything
My uncle Bill, my Belisha beacon
Suck, suck your teenage thumb
Toilet trained and dumb
When the power runs out
We'll just hum
This, this is our new song
Just like the last one
A total waste of time
My iron lung
The headshrinkers, they want everything
My uncle Bill, my Belisha beacon
The headshrinkers, they want everything
My uncle Bill, my Belisha beacon
And if you're frightened
You can be frightened
You can be, it's OK
And if you're frightened
You can be frightened
You can be, it's OK" - Radiohead
I'd been thinking a lot recently about virtually that same notion and the amazement of time streaming past me.
In some ways it seems like almost yesterday, for example, that I was in a band that recorded a 4 track demo cd and played shows in my hometown.... but nope, that was 12 freaking years ago! Or that it was just yesterday that I got my first job and apartment outside of my hometown and went out on my own, but that was 8 years ago. On the positive end of things, I do like thinking about how I've known James for 12 years, been together for almost 8 and married 3......Wow, its been nearly 3 years already since our wedding? Even that can seem like yesterday.
For as many struggles and doldrums that might make time seem like its dragging, it really is going rather exponentially quick. Even just 7 or so years ago it seemed like there was a clearer direction and discernible movement towards a goal of some sort, whereas now it is a lot of head scratching and wondering how to best go about making life be really lived again so the time does not just drop like a fly and continue to fall away - forgotten and neglected like a dusty book or cobweb.
So many things to come to terms with, so much to question and think about and try to put in order, to set about some sort of motion for waking the hell up and accomplishing more!
If fertility peaks at age 28, I consider the real possibility of not ever ending up having kids because I wouldn't want to risk their health and/or mine. Not to mention the fact of not even being able to monetarily provide very well. If I find myself in a monetary position to consider adoption, I would, but finding such a monetary position is another big challenge in the puzzle.
How important is it to really believe in and/or at least somewhat enjoy what one is doing, vs. just doing whatever can garner a healthy pay check in an economy that's on its last legs? What exactly would that healthy/good/comfortable pay range be? How little would I, could I, care to get by on and be happy?
I know I've made the comment before about how every 7 years, when our body's cells are all new, its like starting a new life, in a way. Lo and behold I do feel as though I am about where I was 7 years ago. I'm maybe a little smarter and have traveled more than before, but that's about it... (because finally making $3.50 more an hour than I was 7 years ago isn't a huge leg up in the world).
I know in some respects I shouldn't be too hard on myself -
Who knew that shortly after James and I got together we'd both need to sink money into beater cars before finally buying a newer one?
Who knew the schooling I was finally trying to do after talking about it for 3 years, was going to end up bottoming out on me in the end and taking all of my money paid in with it?
Who knew we'd have our little wedding and our families still wouldn't be able to help cover expenses the way they said they would - (well, given our family's financial histories we weren't entirely too surprised, but still disappointed).
Who knew we'd travel the country like we'd talked about doing for years, and yet really not get out and do and see even a half of what I'd had in mind to try and do and see, not to mention it proving to be way more stressful to both of us at times more than we ever could have imagined?!
Who knew we'd try to regroup with family to have a free place to stay after the travels, and then not be able to find decent work to make it pay off?
Who knew we'd move on to go take work to make our efforts pay off a bit more only to be landed with two completely dependent family members living with us and prolonging our stay in a state we didnt really want to be back within in the first place?
Given all of these situations (and more little ones in between I'm sure), it doesn't feel as much like I've been making "waste" of my time necessarily, but rather that through a series of unfortunate events and unforeseen setbacks (and I suppose lack of having any good fall back ideas for when loose plans don't go accordingly) it has caused me to stall out now when I hit 28, flabbergasted as to what to do next.
I guess I'll re-watch Meg Jay's ted talk a few more times over and see if I can milk something more from it.
"Faith, you're driving me away
You do it everyday
You don't mean it
But it hurts like hell
My brain says I'm receiving pain
A lack of oxygen
From my life support
My iron lung
We're too young to fall asleep
To cynical to speak
We are losing it
Can't you tell?
We scratch our eternal itch
A twentieth century bitch
And we are grateful for
Our iron lung
The headshrinkers, they want everything
My uncle Bill, my Belisha beacon
The headshrinkers, they want everything
My uncle Bill, my Belisha beacon
Suck, suck your teenage thumb
Toilet trained and dumb
When the power runs out
We'll just hum
This, this is our new song
Just like the last one
A total waste of time
My iron lung
The headshrinkers, they want everything
My uncle Bill, my Belisha beacon
The headshrinkers, they want everything
My uncle Bill, my Belisha beacon
And if you're frightened
You can be frightened
You can be, it's OK
And if you're frightened
You can be frightened
You can be, it's OK" - Radiohead