(no subject)
I'm not quite sure how to begin. It's been so long that I feel as if I no longer know how to write. The words come tentatively and with each press of the keyboard, I feel somewhat terrified. It's as if I'm on a roller coaster headed nowhere, with someone's finger poised over a stop button, a second away from signaling to me that I have to stop, that I can't write, that I have no right to.
I find myself unable to be social lately. It used to be that when I would go to these art events, I wouldn't be so scared to strike up a conversation with a stranger. I had gotten used to meeting new people and now I find myself back in high school again - awkward, unsure, and wondering what I'm doing there. Or maybe it's that I've always been this way and I've just been pretending for so long that I can no longer tell the difference between truth and what I want to be true. I think much of this developing anti-social behavior has to do with my decreasing amount of positivity. I used to be so excited to go out and meet people and now I'm just... tired. I want to develop friendships, but the effort to be positive hinders me from doing so. I mean, come on, who wants to hang out with a quiet, sad girl?
I don't know why I'm unhappy. I have a lot going for me - a great job (that pays well), a great boyfriend, I'm relatively healthy, and my finances aren't bad. And yet I seem to be waiting for something. Something to make me feel alive again, something that will move me. I worry about not having enough passion in my life. I worry about the life I'm leading. I worry that I will look back with regret and wish that I had done more, that I had been a little more reckless, and a little less safe.
Anyway. This is me just rambling on. I've really missed livejournal. I wonder if anyone's still out there.
I find myself unable to be social lately. It used to be that when I would go to these art events, I wouldn't be so scared to strike up a conversation with a stranger. I had gotten used to meeting new people and now I find myself back in high school again - awkward, unsure, and wondering what I'm doing there. Or maybe it's that I've always been this way and I've just been pretending for so long that I can no longer tell the difference between truth and what I want to be true. I think much of this developing anti-social behavior has to do with my decreasing amount of positivity. I used to be so excited to go out and meet people and now I'm just... tired. I want to develop friendships, but the effort to be positive hinders me from doing so. I mean, come on, who wants to hang out with a quiet, sad girl?
I don't know why I'm unhappy. I have a lot going for me - a great job (that pays well), a great boyfriend, I'm relatively healthy, and my finances aren't bad. And yet I seem to be waiting for something. Something to make me feel alive again, something that will move me. I worry about not having enough passion in my life. I worry about the life I'm leading. I worry that I will look back with regret and wish that I had done more, that I had been a little more reckless, and a little less safe.
Anyway. This is me just rambling on. I've really missed livejournal. I wonder if anyone's still out there.