(no subject)
I'm scared. I don't know how else to say it. I'm afraid that somehow things won't work out the way they should even though I can't think of one valid reason why they won't. I'm even afraid to say things like this for fear that it might make Szarah feel bad or make her worry more. This all means more to me than anything so far in my life. It's a mere 6 sleeps until I will be able to hold her in my arms and tell her that I love her, but there is still a nagging fear that she won't be able to make it here. Gods I wish I could shake it. I think it all stems from my lack of confidence in myself and doubt that something this wonderful could truly be happening to me. I'm also so scared of what's gong to happen after Szarah goes back home. I can't remove all the chains from my heart and be free to feel all that I should because I'm scared of that as well. If I let it go I'm afraid I will start crying and not be able to stop until Szarah gets here. But at the same time I feel like I'm detaching myself from all the joy and love that I could feel. It's too strong to silence completely, but it feels like it's coming to me from a long distance away. I guess it's an emotional wall of sorts. I don't want it there, but it's so scary without it. Without it I'm so vulnerable and I've been hurt in so many ways before. I want to give myself over to the feelings I have, but they are too powerful. I'm afraid that they'll crush me. Gods I love her. With all that I am. But I just can't seem to escape this feeling that there is some terrible darkness on the horizon just waiting to ruin everything. In the last couple days it has been slowly drifting away, but it still makes its way to my thoughts every now and then. I think more than anything I just need to see you my love. To know once and for all that this is truly real and to have you say face to face that everything will be alright. I need you in my life, in my heart, and in my arms.