dunno
It's still 36 long days and nights until I will be able to see my Szarah. I realized today how much I really want to see her. I had started to emotionally shut down because I was afraid that things might not work out and that I would be hurt. When I realized what I was doing and said something to her about it I nearly cried. I don't want to shut myself down like that ever again. It's a very cold and dark place. You can't be hurt, but you can't be happy either. It's just nothingness and that is by far the worst thing ever. I am in pain, but it is the most wonderful pain I've ever felt. I didn't know it was possible to miss someone you've never really met, but I do. I miss her terribly. I just can't imagine how much worse it will be after I've seen her in person and held her in my arms. I hope I can handle it. Well, I will because I refuse to let go. If I decide that I am not going to give up on something I won't for anything short of the end of the world. How long we can hold ourselves together is going to be the deciding factor of how long we can continue like this before something has to change. It's that time that scares me the most because it doesn't feel like it's that far off. I already am having a hard enough time waiting until I can see her for the first time. I know I'm going to cry when she leaves and it will be the hardest thing ever to let her go. I don't know if I'll be able to do it. I have been joking about hiding in her suitcase and going back home with her, but every time I think about it that seems less and less like a joke. I'm not going to pretend that the thought doesn't scare me. I hope it doesn't scare Szarah too much. It's just what's been on my mind. I'm insanely tired and it's taken me almost an hour to right this. I'm not sure what it all means. Am I going crazy? Or am I just crazy in love? Well, I'm going to bed. Please let me know what you guys are thinking about this.