I'm Haunted.
The Strong Pillar Shows Some Cracks: God.. all I can see in my mind is her crumbling face.. Her bottom lip quivering, tears rolling down her cheeks like raindrops.. Ever since that day when me and my mom talked, her face.. I see it in my mind.. the conversation playing over and over. My very heart aches at the things she has told me. Things I never knew, but always wanted to ask. My mom.. has always been vague when talking about her childhood.. but when I came home from school one day, she expressed a depression she was feeling. My mom has always worked and to not be able to is killing her. I asked her questions.. and the answers I got shattered my very heart.
"Ive always worked.. and to not be able too.. it brings back words my mother said to me.. 'you'll never be anything! your stupid! worthless girl! fucking trash! good for nothing!' I can't stand it.."
I looked at her blankly, and for the first time I understood why she said those things to me all the time. That was how she was treated when she was young, only it was a million times worse for her. Tears threatened, and I just stayed silent. She spoke in a whisper her tone devoid of all maliciousness.. it seemed defeated, heart-wrenching.
"You think you know what abuse is, Amanda..? You don't.. I promised myself when I had children that they would never know the pain I went through, that their life would be better.. Please, don't confuse my tough love for mind games, I know sometimes it seems that way, but it's not.. I swear it's not.. I love you and your sister more than anything.."
I suddenly wished I could disappear rather than look at the weakness of someone I viewed as invincible, but she needed me. So I stayed, listening, horror piercing my heart when she spoke again.
"When I was little, I never had anything.. my mother hated me, Amanda.. really HATED me. When my brothers or sister did anything wrong, I always got punished. One time.. my brother, Bobby, ran away.. and I got in trouble because I knew where he was. Do you know what my mother did to me...? She poured oil all over my arm, and lit it on fire, and.... laughed. And not having a job makes me think about all this.. how usueless I am.. how my mother was right.."
She paused, tears running down her face in rampants, her face twisting and contorting in pain of the memories. I wrapped my arms around her, and made her look at me. "Your wrong!" I yelled. "You are not useless! Your one of the most responsible people I know. You make me proud, Mom.. I am proud to have you.. as my mother." Tears fell from my eyes.. I cried. It has been a long time since I really, REALLY cried. A lot more happened, but.. it would take eternity to write down all the things that were said.. but know this..
MY MOM AND I.. WE HAVE THE RELATIONSHIP A DAUGHTER AND MOTHER SHOULD HAVE, NOW.. AND.. IT'S GOING TO STAY THAT WAY. I love you, Mom.
"Ive always worked.. and to not be able too.. it brings back words my mother said to me.. 'you'll never be anything! your stupid! worthless girl! fucking trash! good for nothing!' I can't stand it.."
I looked at her blankly, and for the first time I understood why she said those things to me all the time. That was how she was treated when she was young, only it was a million times worse for her. Tears threatened, and I just stayed silent. She spoke in a whisper her tone devoid of all maliciousness.. it seemed defeated, heart-wrenching.
"You think you know what abuse is, Amanda..? You don't.. I promised myself when I had children that they would never know the pain I went through, that their life would be better.. Please, don't confuse my tough love for mind games, I know sometimes it seems that way, but it's not.. I swear it's not.. I love you and your sister more than anything.."
I suddenly wished I could disappear rather than look at the weakness of someone I viewed as invincible, but she needed me. So I stayed, listening, horror piercing my heart when she spoke again.
"When I was little, I never had anything.. my mother hated me, Amanda.. really HATED me. When my brothers or sister did anything wrong, I always got punished. One time.. my brother, Bobby, ran away.. and I got in trouble because I knew where he was. Do you know what my mother did to me...? She poured oil all over my arm, and lit it on fire, and.... laughed. And not having a job makes me think about all this.. how usueless I am.. how my mother was right.."
She paused, tears running down her face in rampants, her face twisting and contorting in pain of the memories. I wrapped my arms around her, and made her look at me. "Your wrong!" I yelled. "You are not useless! Your one of the most responsible people I know. You make me proud, Mom.. I am proud to have you.. as my mother." Tears fell from my eyes.. I cried. It has been a long time since I really, REALLY cried. A lot more happened, but.. it would take eternity to write down all the things that were said.. but know this..
MY MOM AND I.. WE HAVE THE RELATIONSHIP A DAUGHTER AND MOTHER SHOULD HAVE, NOW.. AND.. IT'S GOING TO STAY THAT WAY. I love you, Mom.