yes i am free! but i dont feel free. -.-
06ah! it's been ages since i last updated.. now typing on my mom's com again. not having a working com after 'A's sucks big time! so irritating. i cant go dl my bleach late into the night, i can't surf female websites.. can't surf porn.. LOL. cant chat.. can't update my blog as and when i want to. yeah. life is draggyyy.. hmm. well these few days have been pretty monotonous.. wake up at 2 in the afternoon.. yep.. watch tv/play ps2/read mags.. blah blah blah.. occasionally i'll go outside and look at the garden, talk to the parrots etc.. there's lots of stuff to do but i keep putting it off.. then i'll do all these crappy stuff till 2 am and finally sleep. dots right? -.- i'm pretty scared that ill waste my hols away and go into Uni (if my grades allow) feelin lik i wasted away months doin nth. prom's 5 days away.. 2ml going shopping with changx and on thurs going with my bestie to lik, find a dress already?! i'm pretty apprehensive cuz it seems like my taste is rather mature and i may end up lookin e oldest again.. bleh.. but well im sure with the help of my 2 frens i'll be able to put together a great outfit! =)
'A's ended last week and i wasnt able to update on the crucial days.. like the night before my last paper (bio p1) and the first day of freedom! haha even till now i think it hasnt realli sunk into me that 'A's are over.. well obviously the lack of studying these few days must mean smth. but even after my final paper ended i was still kinda in a dream-like state. ohoh and i'm 18 now! yep my bday was last last sat =) LG forgot all abt it. but oh well, whatever -.- i mean, even my ex wished me happy bday la! i guess he mustve forgotten what day i end my exams too, cuz i onli msged him lik yesterday, and he still asked me if my exams ended alr. i guess he onli remembers stuff that is of benefit to him. like that time i told him i'd consider his offer to fetch me home after post-prom clubbing. i din even remember that la. sheesh. mustve told him that juz to be nice. i feel so empty now. being on my own for too long aint good for me manz. lol. i'll start shrivelling up. but yet going out all day is hazardous too. i guess i feel this way cuz my heart is empty. sometimes late at night i'll be lying in bed wishing i was attached. but what happens if i get attached and i still feel e same way? as in.. u noe, they say that for ppl to love you, uve gotta love yourself first. and i guess the prob i had in my previous r/s was that i was too emotionally dependent on my partners. i need to build myself up first. need to find a sense of fulfillment in my life first. somehow get things in order yep. the right guy/girl will come along one day. now i just gotta spend my time wisely, making myself into a better Me. =)
i wonder how my grades will turn out? sigh. i dun think i'll do THAT badly.. maybe all Bs at the worst? haha. not too sure about math and bio.. well not tt sure abt chem either. i dno lah. i miss studying. it's weird not having to do smth that it's all uve been thinking about for most of your life.. even if i werent exactly putting into action what i was thinkin abt. lol. yeah.. u noe i feel quite shitty when i read e papers. cuz i dun think i did well for GP. and the papers are a painful reminder of that futile struggle weeks ago.. sigh. painful painful past. it gets worst when i do read e papers and my brain will think automatically: oh this will be useful for GP! and den i'll have to kick myself and say HELLO?! GP'S LIK OVERRR ALR?! it's weird to think that i wont be doing any of my 'A' lvl subj next yr. it's weird to be just concentrating on one subj for the next few yrs.. wonder if ill go mad. hmm. ohwell. i miss bopping to my mp3 while cramming.. haha. slacking just doesnt give me the same sense of fulfilment, manz.
k.. so what do i have to do? have to clear up all my dead plants.. have to clear my notes.. i guess e reason why im not clearing my room is cuz i dno what to do with my notes. what, throw away? burn? i mean, what if i need em in the future? what if my jnrs need em? new syllabus alr right, so shldnt be needin em right? bleh. den i gotta go clear out my wardrobe, shoes and all.. i realised i prob haf loads of stuff, i just need to know what exactly i have. haha. my fashion sense has finally arrived! yes! now i thnk it's possible to get a great outfit with almost any piece of clothing.. that's why shopping is so difficult lol. but i think i have pretty high standards. my mom often remarks that i'd better get a great salary in the future so i can support my expensive taste. lol. tsk tsk. but i agree that i really go for quality now.. even tho im still kinda a cheapo at heart. lol. oh, and i want to lik redecorate my bedroom too.. but damn, i dno where to start! i dno what i want! arghh!
growing my nails long again.. talons.. hehe. they're cool =)
hmm.. my ex msged me the other day.. she wanted us to be frens.. she re-added me back on her msn contact list. she's online now but im not talking to her. well i agreed for us to be frens.. din see any reason why we shldnt be. but my heart is kinda dead. sometimes i still miss what we had. sometimes i yearn not to be alone anymore (but i know i just need to make a few small changes to my lifestyle and i'll feel better. for one, sleepin and wakin at 2 aint exactly the healthiest thing to do). how can you be frens with your ex aniwae? esp if it was a long and tumoultous r/s.. its not easy.. for me, it has nv been realli possible.. i broke up with my previous ex as "best frens".. and we became bitter enemies instead. haha. *shrugs* i'll see how it goes i guess..
'A's ended last week and i wasnt able to update on the crucial days.. like the night before my last paper (bio p1) and the first day of freedom! haha even till now i think it hasnt realli sunk into me that 'A's are over.. well obviously the lack of studying these few days must mean smth. but even after my final paper ended i was still kinda in a dream-like state. ohoh and i'm 18 now! yep my bday was last last sat =) LG forgot all abt it. but oh well, whatever -.- i mean, even my ex wished me happy bday la! i guess he mustve forgotten what day i end my exams too, cuz i onli msged him lik yesterday, and he still asked me if my exams ended alr. i guess he onli remembers stuff that is of benefit to him. like that time i told him i'd consider his offer to fetch me home after post-prom clubbing. i din even remember that la. sheesh. mustve told him that juz to be nice. i feel so empty now. being on my own for too long aint good for me manz. lol. i'll start shrivelling up. but yet going out all day is hazardous too. i guess i feel this way cuz my heart is empty. sometimes late at night i'll be lying in bed wishing i was attached. but what happens if i get attached and i still feel e same way? as in.. u noe, they say that for ppl to love you, uve gotta love yourself first. and i guess the prob i had in my previous r/s was that i was too emotionally dependent on my partners. i need to build myself up first. need to find a sense of fulfillment in my life first. somehow get things in order yep. the right guy/girl will come along one day. now i just gotta spend my time wisely, making myself into a better Me. =)
i wonder how my grades will turn out? sigh. i dun think i'll do THAT badly.. maybe all Bs at the worst? haha. not too sure about math and bio.. well not tt sure abt chem either. i dno lah. i miss studying. it's weird not having to do smth that it's all uve been thinking about for most of your life.. even if i werent exactly putting into action what i was thinkin abt. lol. yeah.. u noe i feel quite shitty when i read e papers. cuz i dun think i did well for GP. and the papers are a painful reminder of that futile struggle weeks ago.. sigh. painful painful past. it gets worst when i do read e papers and my brain will think automatically: oh this will be useful for GP! and den i'll have to kick myself and say HELLO?! GP'S LIK OVERRR ALR?! it's weird to think that i wont be doing any of my 'A' lvl subj next yr. it's weird to be just concentrating on one subj for the next few yrs.. wonder if ill go mad. hmm. ohwell. i miss bopping to my mp3 while cramming.. haha. slacking just doesnt give me the same sense of fulfilment, manz.
k.. so what do i have to do? have to clear up all my dead plants.. have to clear my notes.. i guess e reason why im not clearing my room is cuz i dno what to do with my notes. what, throw away? burn? i mean, what if i need em in the future? what if my jnrs need em? new syllabus alr right, so shldnt be needin em right? bleh. den i gotta go clear out my wardrobe, shoes and all.. i realised i prob haf loads of stuff, i just need to know what exactly i have. haha. my fashion sense has finally arrived! yes! now i thnk it's possible to get a great outfit with almost any piece of clothing.. that's why shopping is so difficult lol. but i think i have pretty high standards. my mom often remarks that i'd better get a great salary in the future so i can support my expensive taste. lol. tsk tsk. but i agree that i really go for quality now.. even tho im still kinda a cheapo at heart. lol. oh, and i want to lik redecorate my bedroom too.. but damn, i dno where to start! i dno what i want! arghh!
growing my nails long again.. talons.. hehe. they're cool =)
hmm.. my ex msged me the other day.. she wanted us to be frens.. she re-added me back on her msn contact list. she's online now but im not talking to her. well i agreed for us to be frens.. din see any reason why we shldnt be. but my heart is kinda dead. sometimes i still miss what we had. sometimes i yearn not to be alone anymore (but i know i just need to make a few small changes to my lifestyle and i'll feel better. for one, sleepin and wakin at 2 aint exactly the healthiest thing to do). how can you be frens with your ex aniwae? esp if it was a long and tumoultous r/s.. its not easy.. for me, it has nv been realli possible.. i broke up with my previous ex as "best frens".. and we became bitter enemies instead. haha. *shrugs* i'll see how it goes i guess..