plagued by memories.
hmm.. just finished studying Transport in Plants. i was in pure ecstasy manz! xD it's like, everything was so crystal clear and falling into place.. it felt SO good. heavenly, in fact. just proves that when i study topics that i feel like studying, it goes into my head easier. this was after i studied finish homeostasis. and i was thinking hmm shld i go onto nervous or kidney? den i looked at the transport in plants notes and i was like, "heeeyyyy.. i have a good feeling about this set of notes. i feel plantsy right now. so let's study it!" and now i dont even feel that i need to make a summary to remember it cuz it's so clear in my head =) this rocks!
while i was studying transport tho.. it was lik, i kept thinking about her. which her? hmm. the X lo. it's so funny that i'm only thinking about X now, after so long. i was even thinking hey i got over her pretty fast, too fast in fact. but i guess i was wrong. i am so NOT over her. it's not like i want to get back, actually i'm not even sure what kinda feeling it is. it's just that i tend to think about her more nowadays. last time it was juz a few seconds of musing, nothing really substantial, cuz of my severe memory loss. images were fuzzy, feelings very mellow. but now it's like i'm thinking of specific incidents, the stuff that used to be exclusive to us, the special stuff. yeah. stuff that used to be special in the r/s aint special now, i'm thinking bout other incidents, random ones, trivial ones. images. maybe i'm imagining it all? cuz afterall i'm used to regarding people as how i think they CAN be, instead of who they ARE. weird kind of thinking but somehow it still works. i even felt abit sad juz now. was i missing her? i dno. i toyed with the idea of msging her, and ended up msging huixin instead. i tink it'll take somemore months b4 any of us contacts e other. maybe we wont ever contact each other, who knows? both of us have our pride, evidently. but most significantly, this shows that im not ready for a new r/s. im not even over her, not even close to it. well ok maybe quite close but not yet. it's not lik i'm still in mourning; i'm over that. but my heart apparently aint empty yet. i dno what's it filled with la. i don't know who she is anymore. im just relying on my past impressions.. impressions that are months old by now. and i can't differentiate if those impressions are even e real thing. sad huh. i sound so self-delusional. hmmm. i have so many aquarians in my life: huixin, my dad, kevin, jared, doreen.. and we're all cool with each other. i think the r/s with the aquarians in my life are like, the most open and exciting ones (excluding the one with my dad, that one is N.A). and of course e r/s with the cancerians in my life lah! but talking about aquarians.. yeah.. and it's like, how come the only romantic one didn't work out? it's so weird. if we could all do it over again, wld it work out? i dno.. im definitely a different person now. and it's a good thing we broke up.. if not i cldnt have become e person i am now. i'm like, more studious, more reflective and introspective; i think definitely more mature. can't remember the person i used to be. but i like life now. i only regret that i wasted my past. i like having my frens ard and having fun and being responsible for my own actions.. no more running to her and whining away and never changing. yeah. it's better now. but you noe u can't helping wondering "what if..?" blahblah. and you can't help wondering if she'd prefer e person i am now over e person i used to be. so many questions. i don't think i'll ever get the answers.. but then again maybe those answers ain't important anyway.
hmm was reflecting in the bath the other day.. about my outlook on the world. i remember readin about me bein an Idealist.. INFJ type of person. Counsellor Idealist.. yeah. Idealists tend to look at the possibilities present in the world, instead of the reality. on one hand that's great! you think of how to progress and come up with changes needed and always have ideas for improvement.. and you look at people in a more positive way. which is good! but on the other hand.. it's negative too. means that ure never grounded; you're always floatin in ure own world. while people are coming to terms with reality, finding ways to live on top of it.. ure simply not in touch with it. and i always used to feel that i was living in a separate dimension.. always felt too airheaded and floaty. yeah it's not nice to feel that way. and the consequences of nv bein in touch with reality suck. reality always ends up crashin down on me.. haiix dno how mani times i came back to earth only to be shocked and horrified.. bleh.. yeah. story of my life manz. i dno how it'd be like to look at things as how they are, instead of how they could be. it's weird cuz i dont think i think in possibilities all the time.. but when it counts, i do. when it's most important to be in touch with reality, i get so swept up in my imagination that i totally lose my grip on things. my perception becomes warped. lik, seriously. and i dno how to change this. i can only try to be discerning and think before i act. "is this really how it is, or am i imagining things again?" that kinda thinking.. yeah. i noted it particularly when i was thinking about when exams ended, what i wld wanna do.. then i got SO EXCITED.. it was mind-boggling. i was lik getting too high and all. so i checked myself and said, whoa girl get back down to earth! if you wanna party that hard u gotta work hard first, if not there'll be no point.. and ull be screwed shitlezz. yea. it was hard tho, to think lik that. felt so forlorn after that. haiix. COME ON! GET THE HARD WORK PART IN YOUR HEAD! DONT FORGET HOW MUCH YOU'LL HAVE TO TOIL BEFORE YOU CAN EVEN THINK ABOUT [fill in desired fun activity in verb form here]!! yeah. sigh. get back down to earth! come on get back down! down, girl! *woof*
don't think i'll be able to study finish for this prelim. maths for one, is a HUGE headache. lik seriously huge -.-" i havn't even started! omg. even tho i slept at 6 am last night mugging bio, i din manage to finish it. and then dno what i was doing this afternoon la. bleh my plans always fail. stupid shit. den when i was studying vitamins for food chem this aft i fell asleep LOL. gawd. i was supposed to conc on maths and only maths today but i tot mann i havnt finished bio, i shld try to finish it b4 i start on math. den when i was studying bio i felt so siiaaaannnn... so i flipped through the chem prelim 2005 papers and i was lik, wtf this is super tough lah! it's insane. NJC IS INSANEEEEE!!!!!! *screams* even my tuition tcher tot that it's siao they set so tough a qn.. lol. i was mortified to find out that that particular qn was frm njc prelim, cuz he din mention it. gargghhhhh.. yeah den after that i felt lik studyin chem. -.-""" gawd. i sound so.. fickle. arghhh!!
dreamt about Gummy on fri night.. weird dream manz.. but it was kinda sweet. altho when i was thinkin about it this morning.. contemplating certain things that happened in the dream, i felt quite melancholic. yeah. i guess there are some things in life that juz beyond your control huh. light years beyond. ohwell. guess that's juz how it's meant to be.. *small smile* and i guess if it's beyond your control, then the pain ain't so great either. cuz u noe you cld nv have prevented this sorta ending anywayz...
kk time to bathe. den after bathing.. i'll have Nervous System, Kidney, Cell Division (2), Respiration in Plants n Animals and Cell Structures (3).. omg.. someone kill me right now. PLUS I HAVE TO MUG CHEM TOOOOOOO!!! dammit. this is so not turning out the way i'd hoped it would.. =((((
Note: Activities after prelims are to include
1) buyin of vichy eye cream frm guardian lik asap manz (i dont think a few days can cure eye blackholes lik mine -.- so haf to start early)
2) stationery shopping spreeeee! wheee!!! XD i live to buy pens!! haha. [uniball signo DX 0.38 and 0.28 watch out mama's coming]
3) taking stock and planning.. crucial***
4) making dates with kev n huixin..
5) SLEEEEEP