Dealing With Destructive Friends Like ED...

[soul_rebirth]

I am taking the first steps onto one of the hardest paths i have ever taken in my entire life. I am learing to deal with my destructive friend, ED...aka...eating disorder. For many years, i have had this problem, but i figured that since it wasn't "Ana" (anorexia) or "Mia" (bulimia) that ED wasn't officially a problem. I read a book called "Body Story" by a professor that works at my school. After reading her book, i decided to get help. I found out that i have combination of Compulsive Eating Disorder and Bulimia...(minus the nervosa, i guess). My therapist said that it would be hard, and i figured that she was right, but today, i got a taste of just how hard it would actually be. I started thinking about all of the symptoms and thought patterns that i have that make up this "mental-health-illness-that-can-be-overcome"; this "condition". I became frightened because it seemed really scary to realize just how much of a problem this really is. I am scared. There is no other way to describe how i feel right now. I have packed every iota of pain that i have ever felt deep down into my soul and then i put thick boulders of food on top of it....it's really starting to take it's toll on me. I am tired. I am scared and tired, and i want for this to be over. I want ED(NOS) and MIA to die. I want them to kneel at the guillotine and i want to see the blade slice through the flesh on their necks...i want to see their heads roll. i want them to have a quick and painless death and to be out of my mind, my life, and my soul forever. I feel so trapped. It's like i'm in chains and i finally found the key to the lock, but it isn't opening fast enough. Today i started weeping because i felt tired and scared and partially because im relieved that there is actually a name to what has been going on with me all of these years and that someday, it will actually be over. i went into the bathroom to get some tissue and blow my nose; i turned around and with my red, puffy, confused, near-sighted eyes, i saw my therapist...it was almost like she was destined to walk in and see me; before i had a chance to turn around...she looked at me and she knew exactly what my eyes; my red pools of tears and bottled up frustration were trying to say...she gave me a big, long hug; i broke down and started crying again...she told me it would be ok...and, surprisingly enough, i believe her.

To Be Continued,

Benson aka Soul_Rebirth