read this even if you dont know me
I come to you today a better man I think. It’s funny how somebody’s words could change how a person lives his or her life forever. See my friends I have a confession to get out, something that has hunted my dreams day in and day out. Something that I’ve feared for a long time now, something that I have mocked countless of times to use for whatever reason to get out of certain situations. But at last it’s time for the truth to as they say, be set free. Its time everybody knows about Wolf.
Now I would like to start this little story off by saying, unless otherwise proven guilty, I’m not crazy. Though, I have been known to do things that some people thought of as insane. Lets us breakdown the world insane shall we and to do that we must go to the core word which is insanity. The Merriam-Webster definition is insanity as such unsoundness of mind or lack of understanding as prevents one from having the mental capacity required by law to enter into a particular relationship, status, or transaction or as removes one from criminal or civil responsibility. Well I can for one tell that I know that what I’m writing I’m full aware of what I’m doing and this isn’t any form of illegal activity. Also I would like to say that Wolf is NOT any type of God or holy idol of that matter either. He’s just an idea I had ever since I was a little boy now I can’t recall the first day he came into my life. But I can remember that he was in a nightmare I had, he was carrying a sword in one hand and the rest of his body was covered in black. Black shoes, gloves, a black Zorro type mask with a white stripe on top and bottom of it, and a long black hooded coat with a white flame design on the bottom of it, but I didn’t know who it was. The only thing I had was he eyes that was golden yellow. That was the first time I saw wolf. I didn’t know what to make of him but he seemed cool so always tried to be him in video games so I can imagine me being him. It was fun for a while until I had another dream. This one wasn’t as nice as the first one. I saw him again with the same things on. . Black shoes, gloves, a black Zorro type mask with a white stripe on top and bottom of it, and a long black hooded coat with a white flame design on the bottom of it, but this time his sword was covered in blood in it. He was walking towards everybody I ever loved and cared about. The closer I he got, the easier it was to make out his facial feature. He had hair that covered his eyes with 5 o clock shadow around him. He started humming something over and over again as he advanced. “Beware of the beast that comes at night. He plays with your soul and messed with your mind. And if you don’t do right, chances are that you may die.” Once he got near to everyone something shocking happened. I seen his face, and he was me.
By that time I woke up more scared than I ever been in my life. How could I have thought up of a person so terrifying and to have him turn up to be me? But then it occurred to me. It’s just my mind. I would never be somebody like that I didn’t have an angry bone. At that time I was with my father and his soon to be 3rd ex wife. She was cool and everything, a very nice lady. But something inside me never felt comfortable. My dad kept telling me that he would never have me around somebody he didn’t trust. But it wasn’t her that I felt unconformable about. It was the fact that I knew if I got close to her she would eventually not be in my life and I didn’t want to go through that again. I’ve lost good friends because of him and even though I love him to death, it very hard for me to forgive him for that. So I had to go home, I didn’t want to stay there anymore. But my dad didn’t listen to me. He thought I just had a bad case of homesickness. One time I left the house because I couldn’t take it anymore, but again my dad didn’t want to bring me home. So one day something small happened. I didn’t clean the sink good or something. We had a family meeting and they said what I had to say but something in me triggered and just snapped and I wanted to take a bat and just hit everything in my way from coming home. Of course I didn’t know that was the reason I got mad at the time, but ever since that day I’ve been scarred of what I thought later on. That thing that triggered me was wolf.
After that I was scared of him but still I’ve always tried to make him in video games with more detail than ever. I even gave him my face as in the dream as if I had to. I’ve even gave him a symbol, two “V” criss-crossing each other to make a W and he would make it into walls just like Zorro would. I even tried drawing him to look exactly like he does in my dreams, But with no success. How could I make somebody so scary to me and most importantly why do I keep holding on to his image. So I try to tell people about him, and act like he acted. But know body seen what I seen. They thought I was just playing around again. And so here I am growing up in life and still scared of a figment of my imagination.
Later in life I created other alter-egos like FLA and Soul Poet 101 exc. to maybe erase or over power wolf and use my efforts to write happy songs and poems to relieve me of him. But still he called to me, like I was going to be him no matter if I liked it or not. It prevented me to try to be in any relationship that my bloom. I didn’t want anyone to have to go see him by anyway shape or form. This was especially true to one girl I liked. She was so beautiful and smart. Nobody truly seen the beauty in her but I could see it instantly. Hesitantly, I talked to her and she was a cool and delightful on the inside as was the outside. Something in my heart told me I had to be with her and we would be together forever. But as soon as I got up all of my nerves to ask her, my friend told me that I she would like me and it was in my best interest not to try and ask her out. I believed him and didn’t go through with it. A couple of days later, somebody asked her out and she said yes.
I have to pause for a minute to just slow down because I just remembered all of this. And like to be at the point I am right now and seeing the past. I know why things happen the way it did. But anyways let me continue
She went out with this person for a long time. They were in deeply in love, they had the kind of love that I wanted to have with her. And the longer they went out, the more hatred I had with him. I would see the littlest things he did wrong and blow them out of pre portion. My friend also seen what I seen and got mad about it, low key he liked her to but he didn’t want to tell me because he was my best friend. But then something inside me said that I needed to tell her how I feel even if she was going out with him. I had to do it, and I did. I imagine that she didn’t know what to do; she would have to choose between her best friend and her boyfriend. When I realized the evil thing I’ve done to her, I had to do something to make it easier to pick. So I acted like wolf and was really sexual and mean. The opposite of what I was to show her what I thought I saw in me. Then I said I loved her, but I knew that we could only be friends and nothing more. She agreed, and we went on with our lives. I don’t know why I did it the way I did. I just knew that wolf would be the quickest way to get out of the situation which it did. But it left a bad taste in my mouth like I’ve done something wrong. I came to realize later that I did. I shouldn’t have tried to act like wolf. That only made things worse and it began to bring us more and more apart. They would be days that I didn’t even talk to her. It was basically a sad moment(s) in my life that I didn’t want to think about. And what makes it worse is that I’ve been doing the same thing with someone else I loved and still do.
She was like a crystal, Very elegant to see but fragile. And she had a lot of scratches made from her journey in life. But I didn’t think about that. All I knew is that she was somebody I want to get to know. And I did and she turned out be a very very cool girl. She almost knew me like nobody else could. She could tell when I was sad or lying. And she knew what I was talking about even when I didn’t know myself. She completely understands me like no other person can and I could let somebody like that slipped through my fingers again and she said yes. I was so excited, finally after everything I found the girl that god sent me to be with forever. I will be the one to watch out for and take care of. Then her parent found out and looked me in the eyes and told me “this that happening, stops” for once in my life I was speechless. I felt like there was something inside that wanted to come out and hurt the person who was hurting me. I didn’t hear anything but those words ringing in my ear. A part of me wished that I would have been like wolf and told them off. But I calmed myself down after punching my walls, crying a lot and I blacked out for a while. The next thing I remember is that I was in bed looking up on the walls with “I have to do it 4 them” written all over the walls. The anger I thought I didn’t have was in me. I was wolf for the first time. And I loved every minute of it. Until I seen the aftermath of what I did. And the look on my mom face. I talked to her later on and she told me she didn’t care what her parents thought and she was going to be with me forever. But after that day I started to become distant, especially when I graduated. Because see, in all that fury I had that day, the one thing that I kept thinking about was that something might happen to her. They were going to do something to her that would hurt her. And I couldn’t do anything about it. So I did what I thought was best for her. And we broke up in October.
I felt sick and couldn’t go to any of my classes, each time I got up I felt like throwing up so I went back to bed. I was done with it all, relationship, love, anything about it. And from that day till now I blamed wolf. He was the one that did all of this. And I wanted to kill him ever since.
You might me wondering why I would say this. Why did I spend so much time writhing and think about all of my misery in my life. Well, it’s because now I realize that wolf is real and he is me. And I never had been so happy in my life. Let me explain. Ever since I seen him I feared him. But I come to realize that he is the reason why I am who I am today. Because like FLA is love, and Soul Poet is truth, Wolf represents my passion. He drives me to do things that I want do because I believe its right. Without him I couldn’t have the love I had with her. I could have stood up on what I thought is right and to trust my heart. And here I am complaining about something I had all along. It’s quite funny for me but yet revealing. Because the dream I had with me being wolf, Black shoes, gloves, a black Zorro type mask with a white stripe on top and bottom of it. A long black hooded coat with a white flame design on the bottom of it, with my sword was covered in blood in it, Being in front of everyone I loved and cared for. That time is now. That’s why I’m posting it in the most public places I know all of them will read it. I might lose some of my friends and as unfortunate as that would be I’m going to lose something more important, fear. See god has not given us the spirit of fear, but the lord has giving us power. And my passion is my power. Wolf is my power. So there it is, that’s me and I’m not going to hide anything about me anymore. And I’m not afraid anymore to do what is right for my life.
Now I would like to start this little story off by saying, unless otherwise proven guilty, I’m not crazy. Though, I have been known to do things that some people thought of as insane. Lets us breakdown the world insane shall we and to do that we must go to the core word which is insanity. The Merriam-Webster definition is insanity as such unsoundness of mind or lack of understanding as prevents one from having the mental capacity required by law to enter into a particular relationship, status, or transaction or as removes one from criminal or civil responsibility. Well I can for one tell that I know that what I’m writing I’m full aware of what I’m doing and this isn’t any form of illegal activity. Also I would like to say that Wolf is NOT any type of God or holy idol of that matter either. He’s just an idea I had ever since I was a little boy now I can’t recall the first day he came into my life. But I can remember that he was in a nightmare I had, he was carrying a sword in one hand and the rest of his body was covered in black. Black shoes, gloves, a black Zorro type mask with a white stripe on top and bottom of it, and a long black hooded coat with a white flame design on the bottom of it, but I didn’t know who it was. The only thing I had was he eyes that was golden yellow. That was the first time I saw wolf. I didn’t know what to make of him but he seemed cool so always tried to be him in video games so I can imagine me being him. It was fun for a while until I had another dream. This one wasn’t as nice as the first one. I saw him again with the same things on. . Black shoes, gloves, a black Zorro type mask with a white stripe on top and bottom of it, and a long black hooded coat with a white flame design on the bottom of it, but this time his sword was covered in blood in it. He was walking towards everybody I ever loved and cared about. The closer I he got, the easier it was to make out his facial feature. He had hair that covered his eyes with 5 o clock shadow around him. He started humming something over and over again as he advanced. “Beware of the beast that comes at night. He plays with your soul and messed with your mind. And if you don’t do right, chances are that you may die.” Once he got near to everyone something shocking happened. I seen his face, and he was me.
By that time I woke up more scared than I ever been in my life. How could I have thought up of a person so terrifying and to have him turn up to be me? But then it occurred to me. It’s just my mind. I would never be somebody like that I didn’t have an angry bone. At that time I was with my father and his soon to be 3rd ex wife. She was cool and everything, a very nice lady. But something inside me never felt comfortable. My dad kept telling me that he would never have me around somebody he didn’t trust. But it wasn’t her that I felt unconformable about. It was the fact that I knew if I got close to her she would eventually not be in my life and I didn’t want to go through that again. I’ve lost good friends because of him and even though I love him to death, it very hard for me to forgive him for that. So I had to go home, I didn’t want to stay there anymore. But my dad didn’t listen to me. He thought I just had a bad case of homesickness. One time I left the house because I couldn’t take it anymore, but again my dad didn’t want to bring me home. So one day something small happened. I didn’t clean the sink good or something. We had a family meeting and they said what I had to say but something in me triggered and just snapped and I wanted to take a bat and just hit everything in my way from coming home. Of course I didn’t know that was the reason I got mad at the time, but ever since that day I’ve been scarred of what I thought later on. That thing that triggered me was wolf.
After that I was scared of him but still I’ve always tried to make him in video games with more detail than ever. I even gave him my face as in the dream as if I had to. I’ve even gave him a symbol, two “V” criss-crossing each other to make a W and he would make it into walls just like Zorro would. I even tried drawing him to look exactly like he does in my dreams, But with no success. How could I make somebody so scary to me and most importantly why do I keep holding on to his image. So I try to tell people about him, and act like he acted. But know body seen what I seen. They thought I was just playing around again. And so here I am growing up in life and still scared of a figment of my imagination.
Later in life I created other alter-egos like FLA and Soul Poet 101 exc. to maybe erase or over power wolf and use my efforts to write happy songs and poems to relieve me of him. But still he called to me, like I was going to be him no matter if I liked it or not. It prevented me to try to be in any relationship that my bloom. I didn’t want anyone to have to go see him by anyway shape or form. This was especially true to one girl I liked. She was so beautiful and smart. Nobody truly seen the beauty in her but I could see it instantly. Hesitantly, I talked to her and she was a cool and delightful on the inside as was the outside. Something in my heart told me I had to be with her and we would be together forever. But as soon as I got up all of my nerves to ask her, my friend told me that I she would like me and it was in my best interest not to try and ask her out. I believed him and didn’t go through with it. A couple of days later, somebody asked her out and she said yes.
I have to pause for a minute to just slow down because I just remembered all of this. And like to be at the point I am right now and seeing the past. I know why things happen the way it did. But anyways let me continue
She went out with this person for a long time. They were in deeply in love, they had the kind of love that I wanted to have with her. And the longer they went out, the more hatred I had with him. I would see the littlest things he did wrong and blow them out of pre portion. My friend also seen what I seen and got mad about it, low key he liked her to but he didn’t want to tell me because he was my best friend. But then something inside me said that I needed to tell her how I feel even if she was going out with him. I had to do it, and I did. I imagine that she didn’t know what to do; she would have to choose between her best friend and her boyfriend. When I realized the evil thing I’ve done to her, I had to do something to make it easier to pick. So I acted like wolf and was really sexual and mean. The opposite of what I was to show her what I thought I saw in me. Then I said I loved her, but I knew that we could only be friends and nothing more. She agreed, and we went on with our lives. I don’t know why I did it the way I did. I just knew that wolf would be the quickest way to get out of the situation which it did. But it left a bad taste in my mouth like I’ve done something wrong. I came to realize later that I did. I shouldn’t have tried to act like wolf. That only made things worse and it began to bring us more and more apart. They would be days that I didn’t even talk to her. It was basically a sad moment(s) in my life that I didn’t want to think about. And what makes it worse is that I’ve been doing the same thing with someone else I loved and still do.
She was like a crystal, Very elegant to see but fragile. And she had a lot of scratches made from her journey in life. But I didn’t think about that. All I knew is that she was somebody I want to get to know. And I did and she turned out be a very very cool girl. She almost knew me like nobody else could. She could tell when I was sad or lying. And she knew what I was talking about even when I didn’t know myself. She completely understands me like no other person can and I could let somebody like that slipped through my fingers again and she said yes. I was so excited, finally after everything I found the girl that god sent me to be with forever. I will be the one to watch out for and take care of. Then her parent found out and looked me in the eyes and told me “this that happening, stops” for once in my life I was speechless. I felt like there was something inside that wanted to come out and hurt the person who was hurting me. I didn’t hear anything but those words ringing in my ear. A part of me wished that I would have been like wolf and told them off. But I calmed myself down after punching my walls, crying a lot and I blacked out for a while. The next thing I remember is that I was in bed looking up on the walls with “I have to do it 4 them” written all over the walls. The anger I thought I didn’t have was in me. I was wolf for the first time. And I loved every minute of it. Until I seen the aftermath of what I did. And the look on my mom face. I talked to her later on and she told me she didn’t care what her parents thought and she was going to be with me forever. But after that day I started to become distant, especially when I graduated. Because see, in all that fury I had that day, the one thing that I kept thinking about was that something might happen to her. They were going to do something to her that would hurt her. And I couldn’t do anything about it. So I did what I thought was best for her. And we broke up in October.
I felt sick and couldn’t go to any of my classes, each time I got up I felt like throwing up so I went back to bed. I was done with it all, relationship, love, anything about it. And from that day till now I blamed wolf. He was the one that did all of this. And I wanted to kill him ever since.
You might me wondering why I would say this. Why did I spend so much time writhing and think about all of my misery in my life. Well, it’s because now I realize that wolf is real and he is me. And I never had been so happy in my life. Let me explain. Ever since I seen him I feared him. But I come to realize that he is the reason why I am who I am today. Because like FLA is love, and Soul Poet is truth, Wolf represents my passion. He drives me to do things that I want do because I believe its right. Without him I couldn’t have the love I had with her. I could have stood up on what I thought is right and to trust my heart. And here I am complaining about something I had all along. It’s quite funny for me but yet revealing. Because the dream I had with me being wolf, Black shoes, gloves, a black Zorro type mask with a white stripe on top and bottom of it. A long black hooded coat with a white flame design on the bottom of it, with my sword was covered in blood in it, Being in front of everyone I loved and cared for. That time is now. That’s why I’m posting it in the most public places I know all of them will read it. I might lose some of my friends and as unfortunate as that would be I’m going to lose something more important, fear. See god has not given us the spirit of fear, but the lord has giving us power. And my passion is my power. Wolf is my power. So there it is, that’s me and I’m not going to hide anything about me anymore. And I’m not afraid anymore to do what is right for my life.