Comments | soul_logs: Depression is a decision. [OPEN]

alastinglight in soul_logs

Depression is a decision. [OPEN]

Jun 07, 2011 04:38

Characters: Takasugi Shinsuke, and whoever wishes to bother him!
Location: either in Takasugi's patrol area (residential quarter, between 12 and 6 pm!) or elsewhere in the city!
Rating: G
Time: November 18, noon onwards
Description:

( But it's really hard not to make it. )

takasugi shinsuke, okita souji, tsubaki nakatsukasa, katsura kotarou, kamui (monou fuuma), aqua

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Takasugi, why so difficult. novelvision June 8 2011, 14:46:45 UTC

Meanwhile, Katsura walked towards where he knew Takasugi would be stopping at as his shift drew to a close, intending to check up on him. Though they had their differences, they still knew each other too well to not know when the other was being stubborn, this being one of those times.

As he walked, he tried to think of what he would say to the boy. In some ways, he supposed that the younger Takasugi was much more difficult to handle due to his circumstances here. To know that you've become a monster in the future is no small problem after all, and doubly painful as he had always had that streak, that slightly unnerving lust for battle that would have done little to convince him that things would change. It would take him some time to admit that he'd best try and think of it as they talked rather than attempt to rehearse; after all, they were on new grounds.

He stopped just short of where he knew Takasugi would stop, making no pretense of his purpose.

Because. 8| alastinglight June 9 2011, 05:27:34 UTC

And Takasugi, of course, was walking right to the place that Katsura had thought he'd be - a street corner at the edge of his assigned zone, crossing over to the next. He was too out of it to consider the possibility of certain people being able to track him. A shame, really: he was supposed to be sharper than this.

Suffice to say, he froze in his tracks the moment he looked up and saw who was waiting for him. No words, nothing, but he didn't move away. Yet.

Because nothing! novelvision June 9 2011, 15:30:00 UTC

Katsura made no move either, but he did speak up. If someone had to say something to break the silence, he preferred to be that person. That Takasugi had stood there meant that he at least had a chance, he thought.

"Takasugi..." he began, watching the other carefully. He seemed tired, more tired than he should be. That in itself was worrying; having exhausted himself before this, Katsura knew the warning signs, knew that Takasugi might- would try the same.

alastinglight June 9 2011, 16:21:39 UTC

The sound of his name from Katsura's lips seemed to shake Takasugi out of his reverie. The boy ducked his head and resumed walking, right until he was passing the other by.

"Right on time for your shift, huh?"

He could feel the bite of his fingernails into his palm.

novelvision June 10 2011, 17:11:40 UTC

"Hardly. It seems that I've miscalculated and I've arrived far too late," Katsura remarked, knowing that that was hardly the case. But then again, he wasn't referring to his shift.

alastinglight June 10 2011, 17:17:57 UTC

That earned Katsura a brief, questioning look from over Takasugi's shoulder. The boy continued walking, though. It kept him busy.

novelvision June 11 2011, 09:05:39 UTC

And that meant that Katsura had to do something suitably drastic to keep him from walking away again, thinking that this act of running away and not wanting to hurt his friends was the best that he could do.

"Wait, Takasugi," he called out, raising his voice slightly so that he knew that Takasugi could hear him. "Are you really content to live your life in this way?"

alastinglight June 12 2011, 01:34:34 UTC

At any other time, Takasugi might have laughed it off, come back with something suitably dry and witty, deflected. As it was, however, Katsura's words had the desired effect.

Or seemed to, anyway, which was all that mattered for the moment.

"What do you want, Katsura?"

He wasn't turning around. He didn't trust himself to react properly to anything just yet.

novelvision June 13 2011, 14:46:33 UTC

If he had turned around, he would have seen that Katsura looked strangely calm. Not angry, not worked up and not upset; just calm. After thinking about what to say while walking the dogs and doing various sundry tasks, Katsura had come to the conclusion that it wasn't just the future that Takasugi was afraid of.

That feeling was something Katsura had come to understand while fighting the kishin eggs without a proper Weapon, feeling useless, being forced to retreat when he knew he could have done something if only. Of being inadequate, of cracking, of losing...they were only fears, but fears were just as capable of killing people as swords and any other weapon.

"It's not what I want that I want to talk about, Takasugi. ...I want to know what is it that you want," he said slowly, gently, hoping that it'd make a difference this time.

alastinglight June 13 2011, 14:58:28 UTC

He wanted to be left alone. He wanted to let go, to disconnect, to leave.

He wanted to have the strength to cut them off completely, instead of wishing and hoping and longing and feeling sad.

He wanted to stop being scared.

"Please..."

It took him a moment to realize he had spoken out loud; he could barely hear himself.

"Please, just leave me alone."

He wanted them to stop chasing after him, because it was better that way.

(He wanted them to chase after him, because he needed them but he was too afraid of the possibility of ruining himself and disappointing them to say it.)

novelvision June 13 2011, 15:58:57 UTC

And then what? was what Katsura wanted to ask then, but the sun was already beginning to set and as much as he didn't want to admit it, he did feel hurt. Not because of Takasugi directly, but because he couldn't do anything for his friend once again, that even if he knew what Takasugi really wanted, his own desire to help wasn't enough.

It was with that thought that he finally sighed, indicating his defeat. "...I understand," Katsura said after leaving a moment's pause to iron out any hint of dejection lest Takasugi thought that it was directed at him. It wasn't.

As he turned to begin his shift (And walk away from his friend, once again), Katsura said something else, something more reminiscent of their old group dynamic, the group that he was used to, that he wanted back almost more than he had ever cared to admit.

"Take care of yourself, Takasugi. You'll fall ill if you keep acting as if you're invincible."

He didn't look back to see if that had made Takasugi stop walking. That wasn't what mattered at this point.

alastinglight June 14 2011, 02:01:55 UTC

"Focus on taking care of yourself."

His voice was thick and he couldn't stop shaking and he hated it. Takasugi continued on his way, picking up the pace just a little bit more. He needed ot get out of here.

novelvision June 14 2011, 13:57:41 UTC

"I already did."

Katsura wanted to stop Takasugi from leaving, but he couldn't stop himself from stopping where he stood either, being unable to turn away from his duties, his obligations and his own nagging but growing desire to lose himself in his work for the moment.

That thought made him feel lonely even in this noisy and heavily populated city, but at least he was already used to that.

..."I'm sorry."

Katsura didn't look back as he walked away, quickening his pace as until he felt safe enough to stop again and allow himself to wonder if Takasugi could ever be right about how it would be better if they left him alone. He knew that wasn't what he wanted, but yet- yet, it made sense in a way.

And it hurt.

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