[Closed]

[aeterna_fidelis]

Characters: Riza Hawkeye and Roy Mustang
Location: Mustang's office
Rating: ...PG/PG-13 (It's far too soon for anything beyond that |D)
Time: August 24th, afternoon.
Description: Set after this conversation (which took place on the 23rd and not the 24th)...and after Hughes' post.

Comments

[thewarisover]

To Roy's credit, he hadn't quite broken down yet after their conversation - he had even had enough presence of mind to end it himself, with not too much indiscretion beyond that apology. And, in a way, perhaps that was less of an indiscretion and more of something that had to be said

[aeterna_fidelis]

She had stood there for a whole, her hand on the door. She could hear him--opening and shutting a drawer, and the familiar sound of a lighter. Inexplicably, the smell of cigarettes bothered her more than the stench of the dead frogs. Maybe because it was a reminder that he didn't smoke in her world, and that maybe it was also because she missed having Havoc around in the office back in their world...

And then there were new sounds. Sounds she had least expected--well, least expecting to hope to hear. That choking, odd sound she never thought she would hear from him.

"Sir?" Her own voice sounded strange to her ears as she twisted the knob. "Are you--"

The door was closed behind her and she found herself walking towards him.

Never, never had she seen him like this. Not even at Hughes' funeral--

"Oh, look, it's raining."

"It's not--"

"It's raining." Just...just what had happened

[thewarisover]

And he had completely forgotten that they were supposed to meet. He wasn't normally so forgetful, so careless.

Speaking to her - responding - would be the right thing to do. As it is, though, Roy could barely look in her direction without feeling another sob wrack his shoulders. His chest hurt; his mind was full of noise. It had been years since he had last hurt like that.

The alchemist shut his eyes, one hand moving to cover his mouth; a small attempt at stifling what he could no longer hold back. The cigarette stayed perched on the fingers of his other hand, burning out, forgotten.

[aeterna_fidelis]

'Colonel...' At this point, she didn't even know if that was her thoughts or her actual words, but...

That thick, uncomfortable lump she hated feeling was in her throat. What was worse--almost losing him, or seeing him like this? She didn't know and she didn't want to think about that right now. She was on the verge of breaking her habit to call him by his name and that wouldn't do.

Inhaling the best she could around the tightness she felt in her chest, she tentatively reached out and took the cigarette from his hand, putting it entirely out in the ashtray.

"I'm sorry if I'm overstepping myself, but--" A few steps, and then she was able to stand directly in front of him. "Colonel..." Before she could regret, she slipped her arms around his shoulders and pressed her chin on top of his shoulder.

Aside from the cigarette smell that clung to him, he still smelled the same. She didn't say anything at this point; there was nothing to say and all she could hope for was that her presence was wanted...and needed.

[thewarisover]

And it's odd, what a little contact with this one ends up reminding him of. Clean sheets, sunlit rooms, the slight tang of apples, the quiet click of a dog's paws across wooden panels. A play of light in blond hair, in strange-colored eyes. The softness of the skin of her cheek against his own, the featherlight touch of her hands.

Hard to stop shaking, even harder to keep himself from shaking more. A swallow, another tremor, and silence. He didn't move - couldn't bring himself to. Moving would mean taking what she's offering him, and Roy was one to believe that he's stolen enough from everyone just by staying alive.

...Still, it feels warm and alive and nice, and he almost hated himself for it.

[aeterna_fidelis]

[thewarisover]

And those were the exact same words, again, from those lips, as they had been on hers. That she still believed in following him - that she still believed in him - was what made it all the more difficult. It wasn't just about burdening her with his weakness. It was also about her seeing him brought down this low in the first place.

...Could he, though? Could he really? Would he regret it later? Would he cross another borderline and end up setting himself up to deal with consequences and possibilities that he just wasn't ready for?

Questions with no answers, and it seemed as though his own body was betraying him in spite of them. Roy already found himself leaning against her, arm slowly reaching up to draw her close. She was warm and alive and it had been years since he had felt warm at all.

Maybe he could pretend, for just one moment, that this was safe and everything was going to work out on its own.

[aeterna_fidelis]

Were her words registering

[thewarisover]

How can you be so sure?

How can this--

How come you insist on staying?

And he could ask all of that, all of that and then some, but maybe a part of him was afraid of the sort of answers he might've received. Maybe he wanted to be selfish for the first time in a LONG time, and stay quiet, and hide away for just a moment in her arms.

That wasn't his grip tightening around her, he told himself. He wasn't doing a thing.

[aeterna_fidelis]

She didn't follow blindly. If you followed anything blindly, you usually ended up walking into a trap. She stayed because he's proven himself to her. Yes, they might stumble, and yes her loyalty might be her weakness, but she refused to consider not following him as an option.

He gave a lot to others; he didn't give himself enough.

Dipping her chin so that her bangs fell just at the right angle that would hide her gaze, she sighed a little into his shoulder.

Riza wasn't one to be extremely hopeful; when life gave you lemons, you made the best of them, but you couldn't expect the lemons to become sweet on their own. But maybe now, there was more need for wishful hope than anything else.

Before she lost her resolve, that is. God forbid that day ever come. Having him say there was no need for her to be his Lieutenant was already occupying her mind; she didn't need anymore doubts added to that.

Was he returning her gesture? She almost glanced at his face, but was afraid to; she might be next, seeing how her emotions were already

[thewarisover]

And Roy might have sensed Riza's turmoil at another time (in spite of everything, he knew his Lieutenant, knew her like the back of his own hand), but, as it was, he could barely get his own feelings on matters straight.

He wasn't sure how much time passed before the shakes finally stopped, when he felt like he could breathe again, like he was steady enough to pull away. And pull away he did, keeping his gaze elsewhere.

No words yet. He wished he had some, but he was still recovering from choking on his own lungs.

[aeterna_fidelis]

And she could wait for him. She didn't have infinite patience, but there was a time to press for information and a time to ask nothing and give everything. And right now it was a time for being asking nothing.

She felt him move away a little, but when she chanced a look at him, he was looking away, shoulders still shaking a little.

"Colonel," she began, and then stopped. Where was she supposed to start?

[thewarisover]

"Brigadier General Hughes may need assistance, acclimatizing himself to Death City."

His voice was steady, steadier than he felt. Now to attend to the quaking of his hands...

Another cigarette, yes.

"Provide him with whatever he needs, should he ask. No need to ask the others for help - we need to look out for our own."

Now if he could just get it to light.

[aeterna_fidelis]

She nodded at the first sentence. Even though...

He calls Hughes "Brigadier General."

Why doesn't he call me "Lieutentant."

Goodness, was the resentment in her thoughts? No, it was bewilderment. Confusion. He had to have his reasons--

"Understood." That was all she said. Watching him trying to light his cigarette--Riza saw how much his hands were shaking. "Sir--" she placed her hands over his.

"Here." Two tries, and she lit it.

"...he has told me he was considering looking up past entries," she slowly began.

[thewarisover]

And he found himself staring at her a little, not quite comprehending what she was doing until the cigarette was already lit, until she was already withdrawing.

Then she spoke again, and there wasn't any time to consider the moment at all.

"...He shouldn't."

"Odd, isn't it, what one wishes he could do if only to atone. To say goodbye."

He can't.

[aeterna_fidelis]

"Should I have dissuaded him? I only mentioned some were locked; he said that the purposes of locks were to open them." She frowned a little.

"Shouldn't...or can't?" She clasped her fingers together as she looked up at him. "...is there anything to hide?"