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A New Look at ABC
By: Brandon Plaster
[The middle of a deserted freeway bridge. A and B each have a large beige envelope. C is sleeping in a bed towards the back, with an envelope, which neither A or B notices. The play begins with A and B laying on the ground and then waking up to find themselves in the middle of the highway, with no recollection of how they got to there or what the packets are for. An anonymous bystander walks along the highway and stops next to A.]
Anonymous Bystander: (Calmly) I’ve found the solution.
A: What?
Anonymous Bystander: The solution… you know…the one to your problem.
A: What? I don’t have any problems. It appears like you’re the one with the problems, just walking around thinking that you know everything. (Threatening) Why don’t you just keep walking before you have a problem?
Anonymous Bystander: (Still calm) Are you sure? You seem to be stuck in quite a rut. I can help. (Takes out several pieces of paper.)
A: (Becoming angry) Look crazy, I don’t want anything you’re offering; just go away!
Anonymous Bystander: (Becoming serious. Forces papers into A’s face.) Just take them; you’ll see when it comes time, just take the papers! Without them, the end will be oblivious.
A: (Grabbing the papers.) This is what I think of your theory! (Tears apart the papers and tosses the pieces over the side of bridge.)
Anonymous Bystander: (Laughing) You’re screwed… Man, I want to see how this’ll end.
A: See how what will end?
Anonymous Bystander: Good luck! (Walks off stage.)
A: Wait! (A pause) Stupid pedestrians…
(A long pause)
A: Hey you…
B: (Confused) Huh, what? Me?
A: Yea I’m talking to you. Who else would I be talking to...There’s no one else here. You think I’m talking to myself? Why would I say to myself, “hey you?”
B: I don’t know, umm…I can’t talk to you, you’re…well…you’re a stranger.
A: What are you, five years old...and where are we? How did we get here?
B: Um…why are you asking me these things? Can’t you find someone else to talk to…I’m just…just trying to get home. (Walks about trying to look for something familiar)
A: Does it look like I’m interested in talking to you? I’m just trying to figure stuff out. What is that? (Points to the packet)
B: What, what’s what? (Looking around, confused)
A: The packet at your feet, stupid.
B: Oh, sorry, I don’t know, but you have one also.
A: Stop apologizing, I don’t even know you and I can tell you’re a pushover. (Picks up packet and opens it to view its contents) What is all this stuff?
B: I don’t know.
A: No, I wasn’t asking you, it was a rhetor…oh never mind, just shut up.
B: Ok, sorry. (Sadly, picks up his packet while examining it)
A: Hey you, what is in your packet?
B: Who me?
A: Yes you imbecile, didn’t we go over this already?
B: Well…yes…but…but you said not to…to speak.
A: Why are you such a pushover, you know what, forget about it…what is in your packet?
B: Well, I’m not really sure if I should…well you see…well…I don’t even know who you are.
A: What?!...
B: Who you…um…who you are…
A: You’re not serious…are you?
B: Well, um…I think…I think I am…maybe…aren’t I?
A: I’m your brother you ninny…we’re twins…how do you not know me?
B: Oh, we are…well, I guess I can tell you then…
(A long pause)
A: Well…?
B: Well what?
A: What’s in your packet?
B: Are you sure we’re twins?
A: What? Yes I am sure. Well, that’s what it says in my packet.
B: Oh…well…I guess if that is true… (B tears up his packet into little pieces until he can’t tear anymore and then throws up the pieces into the air)
A: (Shocked) Wha…wha…wha…why did you just do that?
B: Um…well…in the packet…there was a letter. And the letter, it said that “If you have a twin, do something spontaneous,” and…you said you were my twin.
A: How much of an idiot are you…do we look like twins…do we even look related…?
B: But…but…you said…
A: So what, I wanted to know what was in your packet, and you were being stupid. I can’t believe you just ripped up the packet. That was your act of spontaneity? Couldn’t you have jumped off a bridge or something?
B: Well…I was thinking about it…but I figured since I had a twin…he would want me to live…but…I don’t think I have a twin anymore…
A: You never had a twin you moron. I don’t even know you.
B: Oh, well…I can’t talk to you…because I’m not allowed to talk to strangers…or liars…
A: Now where did you learn that from, your twin? (Laughs because he thinks he clever)
B: No, actually it said it in my packet. But my twin told me that once.
A: Wait a second…you don’t have a twin.
B: Yes I do, I tore up my packet, so I must have a twin.
A: No, you thought I was your twin, but I’m not…so you don’t have one.
B: How could you be my twin, we don’t even look alike…
A: We could be fraternal.
B: But I thought you said we weren’t twins.
A: Well we’re not, or not from the same parents anyway, but we’re twins from different families…haven’t you heard of them before?
B: Well…um…actually no…but I have heard that there is a lunatic on the loose. (Takes a step back)
A: What is that supposed to mean, you’re the one who tore up the packet and tossed it up in the air.
B: Yeah, but that is because it told me to.
A: If it told you to jump off a bridge, would you have?
B: Yeah, but that was only if I didn’t have a twin…and I have a twin.
A: What…no you don’t…I was just joking; I’m not your twin.
B: I know you’re not my twin, I’m my twin, can’t you tell, I look just like myself.
A: What, you can’t be your own twin!
B: Yes I can, the packet said so.
A: How do you know, you tore it up, and you couldn’t possibly remember it all, you barely looked at it.
B: I didn’t tear it up.
A: What do you mean you didn’t tear it up; it is all over the street. Look! (Points at the pieces of the torn packet on the street)
B: That was already there. (B pulls a packet that looks exactly like his original out of his shirt) See, mine is right here.
A: No, that can’t be the one I saw on the ground before, you had that the whole time.
B: What does your packet say?
A: What?
B: Your packet, what does it say, what is in it?
A: Oh, well…I don’t really know, it looks like a script…all I noticed was it was about twins on a bridge or something.
B: Let me read it!
A: Why, we need to find out how we got here.
B: The past doesn’t matter, only the future, let me read the story!
A: No, what were you saying about a lunatic escaping?
B: It is what my packet said.
A: Really, let me read what is in your packet.
B: No. (B rips up his packet yet again and throws it over the street)
A: Why did you do that?
B: The packet said so.
A: I’m tired of this ridiculous talk of these packets; I’m getting rid of my packet once and for all. (A walks over to side of bridge and holds out packet getting ready to drop it)
B: No! What do you think you are doing? You can’t do that! It will ruin everything.
A: Ruin everything. How? It’s just a useless script that probably wasn’t even that good.
B: But…but I will never know the end if you just…just throw it off the bridge.
A: What does the end matter if you don’t know what happened before it?
B: But I do know what happened before the end, and it is so amazing, which means it needs to have an even better end.
A: Wait…how do you know what happened; my packet has the script in it.
B: No, your packet had the end…my packet had the guts of the play.
A: Wait, so you were reading from the script when you were doing all of those things?
B: Yes, usually when you stick to the script, the play progresses and turns out a lot better than improv.
A: Improv?
B: Improvisation, haven’t you heard of it?
A: No, what’s it like?
B: Well…it’s like…hmm…a lie.
A: Well, isn’t a play a lie?
B: Well…yes…but not to the author.
A: That’s a lie.
B: Well yes…but it’s a lie about a lie…so really it’s true.
A: Oh…so that’s improvisation.
B: No, but you’re an idiot, so it doesn’t really matter.
A: What…I’m not an idiot.
B: Yes you are, it says it in the script. (B pulls yet another exact replica of the folder out of his shirt and opens it and points to the inside and shows it to A) See, it is right there.
A: Oh, I guess you’re right…damn.
B: It’s life.
A: Well not really.
B: Huh…what do you mean?
A: Well, it’s a play, not life.
B: Well life could be a play.
A: Impossible!
B: What do you think we are…our lives are a play.
A: No, this play is our life.
B: Wow, I don’t take it that seriously.
A: Yeah, me either, but it’s in the script.
B: Wow…and I almost believed you…you’re not that bad of an actor.
A: Eh…it’s just that I fit the part really well.
B: What part, of an idiot?
A: Yup.
B: Good point.
A: So anyway, where’s the beginning?
B: Before the dinosaurs.
A: What? No, I mean of the play.
B: Oh, C has it.
A: Oh, so it’s off at sea. Is it like in a bottle or something?
B: No, C has it, not the sea. C as in the letter, well, that is how you spell it anyway, it’s the guy over there. (Points to C, who is sleeping in the bed)
A: (Surprised) what the, how’d the, who the…I didn’t even notice that guy.
B: Well…he’s been there the entire time.
A: Oh…um…why is he called C?
B: Because you’re A and I’m B.
A: Those are our names (questioning)…their horrible…what, did the author write this play in like five minutes?
B: Well actually, it’s not finished yet…or at least not put together.
A: What do you mean, not finished…are we going to be sitting the entire time…Aw man, I hope we don’t run out of things to say anytime soon.
B: Yeah, that would be bad…but actually, C is the author, which is why he has the beginning of the script.
A: Oh…that makes sense…wait…why doesn’t he have the entire script?
B: Because he isn’t finished yet. He has only started; hence, he only has the beginning.
A: Oh, that makes sense…
(A short period of silence where A and B are thinking)
A: I have a brilliant idea!
B: But you’re the dumb one.
A: Well it’s…(realizes B just insulted him) shut up…(continues) the idea is to wake up C and give him the rest of the story, so he can be finished, and so we won’t run out of words to say.
B: (pretending like A is on to something) that’s…that’s…a really bad idea.
A: You’re just saying that because you’re jealous that I thought of it before you did.
B: No, I’m saying that because I think fourth dimensionally.
A: Fourth diwho?
B: Look! If we are near the middle, even the end possibly, of the play now, then we are past the point where the author has created, so really, we don’t exist, and neither do the parts of the play that we are holding, so, if we woke C up, then we would disappear along with the parts of the play we have, because really we are not here.
A: You’re bluffing…twenty bucks says I can wake him up and not disappear.
B: You’re an idiot. That is impossible, plus, if we disappear then there is a possibility that we will never come back, and if we do, it may be a different point in the play.
A: You lie…I don’t believe you, I’m gonna wake him up. (A begins to walk over to the bed where C is sleeping)
B: (Following A) No! You’ll kill us all.
A: (Stopping) is it really that important for me not to wake him?
B: Well, actually, it’s a girl…but yes, you can’t wake her.
A: Wait, it’s a girl? But the author of this is a guy…that doesn’t make any sense.
B: Well, he said that we needed a girl in the story, you know, to get some diversity in the play.
A: How do you know that he said that?
B: I had lunch with him yesterday.
A: What!? He’s never had lunch with me.
B: That’s because…well…I wasn’t supposed to say…
A: What is it?
B: Well…He likes me better.
A: But…but…why?
B: Well…it’s my letter.
A: B…B…only losers like B…
B: (B slaps A) jerk!
A: Sorry, I had that coming to me.
B: Yes, you did.
A: Well, I’m glad we’re in agreement.
B: Me too.
A: So I’ll wake her.
B: Yup, go ahead (smiling, not realizing what he just agreed to)
A: Walks over to C and starts snapping in her face.
B: Wait, no…Staaaa
(Lights shut off, A and B disappear off stage, C wakes up, lights turn on but focus on the bed so not to show the bridge setting)
C: Who’s there? Wow, that was an odd dream…hmm, maybe I can finally finish my play…Oh, and I can add what I dreamed, that’s brilliant, I’m glad that I am so brilliant. (Sits up and gets the packet) Actually, I’m too tired; I’ll just add what I dreamt in the morning.
(C goes back to sleep, lights go off, A and B appear back on the front of the stage, all lights go on)
B: Pah!!!...What the hell?
A: That was amazing! Let’s do it again! (Runs over to C to wake up)
B: No! You Morrrr
(Lights shut off again, A and B disappear off stage again, C wakes up, lights turn on but focus on the bed so not to show the bridge setting)
C: Wow…I’m a too light of a sleeper…ugh…
(C falls back to sleep, lights go off, A and B appear back on the front of the stage, all lights go on again)
B: Ooon...ah…stop that…you see what you’re doing…if you keep doing that you will ruin the play…that is why he likes me better.
A: Oh…well…well…nobody loves me!!! (Breaks down crying)
B: Oh stop crying you big baby.
(A keeps sobbing hysterically)
B: This is why he doesn’t like you, if you would just stand up for yourself.
(C gets out of her bed, silently, but lights do not go off and A and B do not notice)
A: It’s just that…well…in the beginning…you were the baby…crying and all…and now…now…he’s making me cry…
C: It’s ok…you’ll be fine.
B: AH! (Surprised)
A: Really…how do you know?
C: Because I get to decide what happens to you, and because the author made me, the author in the story, a woman, it means that I like guys who show sensitivity.
A: But how can you be here? He said (pointing to B) that you can’t be here at the same time as we are.
C: He doesn’t know anything, his name starts B…
(B cradles himself on the ground rocking back and forth, sucking his thumb)
A: Why is he doing that?
C: Because he doesn’t know anything, and it’s a proven fact, that if you don’t know anything, than you look like that. (Pointing to B)
A: But I thought that I was the dumb one?
C: Not since I said so, and I’m the author.
A: It all makes sense now…Oh…so do you want the end of the story?
C: You mean that you have the end of the story, that would be great…do you know where the middle is also?
A: Yeah, B has it. I’ll get it. (A gets B’s packet)
C: Thank you.
A: Here you go. (A hands both packets to C)
C: So have you read it yet?
A: No, I wanted to start with the beginning…Oh, do you think that I can read what you wrote for the beginning? (A points to the packet on the bed)
C: Go right ahead.
(A picks up the packet on the bed and pulls out a single piece of paper)
A: (curious) um…there is only one piece of paper in here…and well…it looks like it is only a title…
C: (smiling) well yeah, that’s all the farther I got, that is why I want to see the middle and end of it…so I can figure out the beginning.
A: But…but…that’s cheating
C: Yeah I know, but since I was written as a girl, I can do that.
A: Wait a second; the title of the play that you are writing is called The Packet.
C: So what! What’s your point?
A: Well…the play that we’re in is called A New Look at ABC.
C: Oh…well…I guess really I don’t have any control over either of you…
B: (looking dumbfounded) then why was I sucking my thumb?
C: Yeah…I wasn’t quite sure about that either. (C gives B the packets and then walks over and lays down in her bed) Good night (C goes to sleep)
B: This play sucks! (Pulls out the papers in the packets and throws them all over the stage, then starts to walk off stage, but crosses in front of A)
A: (Laughing) you were sucking your thumb!
B: (Slaps A) Shut up! (B walks off stage)
A: Ok
(A is left on stage, the light centers on him)
(A long pause of silence)
A: Wait… Did I know I would run out of words?
(Anonymous Bystander walks out on stage with a stack of blank papers in hand.)
Anonymous Bystander: (Laughing) I knew it’d be great. (Throws blank papers at A, and then walks off stage.)
(A scrambles to pick up papers)
A: (Looking at the papers in confusion) They’re all blank… (A pause, and then A realizes.) Oh…
(Stage dims, lights go off.)
The End